Looking ahead to a good year

I was shocked to see that almost a full year has passed since I posted on this blog . It has been a busy year, and one that seemed to everyone I talked to, to fly by. I cannot believe it is three weeks into the new year. I hope this year will slow down just a bit. I do not want this one to fly by as fast as last year did.

A lot has changed since last year, and a lot has NOT changed since last year. Our  youngest daughter and her family moved out and now her little brother is moving in. Some things I could not pull off for our daughter before she moved in, we can pull off for him. We removed some ancient disgusting carpet from the living room. Our daughter had removed the same carpet from the room her girls, our three grandaughters used and refinished the floors so they were clean , pretty , and sanitary . However, with them out, we decided to do new carpet in that room, the front living room they, and now he will  use, and the main hall that connects all the rooms in the front of the house as well. Now that carpet is installed, and even though we have to paint what will be his bedroom, he is moving in tomorrow. He  just wants out of the apartment he has been in since he moved out to let them move in after our son in law was in a horrific car accident and needed to recover. He really was not ready to move out and is happy to move back in so he can get his savings where he wants them, get a new car and just get where he wants to before he moves out for good.

So, we have been working on the house. Kitchen major reno ongoing, both baths mini renos .Moving my studio  back into the front bedroom I was in, that I moved out of to give our daughter and son in law a bedroom. My hubby and I have been sharing a much smaller and dark room , as both our studios for the last almost year and a half, so I am thrilled to be back home in my big bright, front bedroom again.HE is thrilled to have that one to himself.  I am still getting set up, and so is he ,but at least I am in this lovely space. Our son only needs one bedroom, so he took the one the girls had been in and he will use the big front living room, we have the smaller family room off the kitchen for our living space, and our master suite is off that family room so it gives us separation , other than during the day if I am in my studio. But evenings he and his friends can take advantage of the dining table I have in here as a work space as I am rarely in here after about five or six at night.

As for personally, I am working on getting healthier. My doc gave me three months to try diet and exercise to lower my blood pressure, blood sugar , and mainly my cholesterol. The other two are okay, not dangerous but they were often on the cusp, but my cholesterol was bad.

So, my wonderful cousin and dear friend, gave me a fitbit and is dieting with me. She is a nurse practitioner so she is staying on top of me from Calif. We talk weekly. She is working on her diet too and she keeps me on track. My husband is on the same diet with me and that helps a lot. He also has a lot of weight to lose. His cholesterol is not as bad as mine, but still needs to come down a bit too.

I started my plan on January 2 , and have had a few bad choices, but overall I have done great, so has my hubby. I started my daily walk today. 30 minutes. I have to do that every day , per docs orders, but just took time to get the food right first. Now, food is good, and I am adding the 30 minutes a day walking in the house. I will eventually get back to a gym, but for now, this will work !!! My fitbit got very excited, lol !!!

So, this year, clearing out inventory in my studio . Keeping the stuff I love, but selling all my old stock, and inventory of old stuff I made ,  along with a good amount of my  materials. I want to do art this year, writing this year ,and the  bead work that I love to do , so it is time for all the rest to go away and put some money back in our accounts !! I have a lovely , creative room, and now I have a lot of work ahead as I clear out and add stuff to my Etsy shop.

clear out old inventory and materials from my studio and make some money doing it

publish a book I have been working on with my husband for ten years

get our front porch all gingerbreaded out with paint and looking like new

get in shape and lose a lot of weight

get my numbers down and keep them down so I do not have to go on any meds

get back to reading again. I have a lovely stack of books I picked up last year, but never seem to find the time to read. I want to change that.

So, I am excited about my goals for the year. We have some fun plans in the work for the year, and some great family stuff coming up, weddings and a baby. So, it looks like a fun year ahead, and a lot of work as well which I am excited to do.

Thanks for stopping by,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On going journey

I posted recentlyl about how lost I am and how I am trying to figure out who I am , and what happened to me.

Not too long after posting that post, I got an invitation from a local media personality with whom I had interacted with on her facebook page,  to attend a symposium on empowering women. It was a huge eye opener for sure.

This was very out of my comfort zone. Me. Alone. Large group of women I do not know.  I did it though and for that I am proud of myself. I went in with zero expectations , not knowing what to expect. I knew this person hosting and a couple of other speakers would be trying thier best to inspire and  help us to find power within ourselves.

I learned some interersting things. Only 4 percent of the population are doing what they were born to do. I am not sure how anyone came up with that figure, but if it true, sad.  I think it was kind of ironic that Dove Soap announced in thier most recent ad  that only  4 percent of women around the world think they are beautiful. Both are sad statisics. Strange that they are the same.

some of the advice we were given was

Do your destiny

Lets do this thing

I live by, do something, even if it is wrong,

take action, a plan without action is only a wish

verbalize it, say it outloud to yourself , tell someone else.

Do what you say you are going to do.

Visualize it. Picture joy in the end result.

Don’t be fearless, just fear less

Be courageous, determined and resolute

Never give up

Surround yourself with good people

seek wise councel

Start right where you are.

Do it for yourself.

Do it because you love it

Think outside the box

Take the first step

balance is the key

do it with excellence

We were asked a lot of questions

What do I want for ME

What is the one thing, you have always wanted to do ?

What is holding you back ?

What gets your heart rate going ?

More inspirational quotes,

be in the moment

Do it afraid

go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

think about what things are most important to you.

then more questions

What gives you meaning in life,

What are the principals and actions that guide your decisions

more quotes

You were made for more

We each have a higher purpose

You were made to leave a mark

We are what we think we are. Identify your obstacles

As yourself how much do I want this  ?

Identify with your goal.

A lot of great quotes,  and I truely enjoyed what all three of these ladies had to say.

The problem is, when you have lost yourself, you are not even in a place to ask yourself these kinds of questions.

How in the heck do I do my destiny when I have no clue what it is ? I have no damn clue.   None . At . All .

What thing are we supposed to do, IF we are struggling to find WHO we are ?

Doing something, even if it is wrong. Obviously many of us are doing the wrong thing, that does not help. If you keep doing wrong things in the hope you will do the right eventually, that does not work. Another saying comes to mind, I believe it was Einstien that said it,  definition of Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differant outcome . How many of us do this exact thing ? We think it is us trying to make something happen. We are not supposed to give up. We are supposed to pursue our dreams !! When the dreams do not come true, we might still keep going, just thinking, this time I will make it !! But it never works. Unless it does, and then you got what you wanted and that is really awesome and wonderful, but for most of us, it does not work out that way.

How are you supposed to take action or visualize something that you do not even know ? How can I visualize an outcome when I cannot figure out that outcome ?
I am a huge believer in the law of attraction, but to attract it you have to know what you want so you can think about it and attract it !!

I would love to be courageous. That sounds so powerful. BE COURAGEOUS  !!! BE DETERMINED !! BE RESOLUTE !! Please tell me what that means. I really have no clue at all.

The logical song comes to mind.

It starts out, telling how wonderful and magical life was when he was young, but then he was sent away to become responsible and dependable and at one point in the song he asks to be told what he has learned and as absurb as it seems, can you tell him who he is ? I am not quoiting directly because I am not sure I can legally, but look up the song lyrics, I have heard it recently on the oldies channel and it struck a chord with me.

We start out small kids. Well, babies, and we see the world so magicly. Wonder, joy, amazment, everything is new, wonderful, awesome, and insipring. We start to build dreams, often big , wonderful dreams , and then we become adults and we are told we have to be practical. be moms, ( dads, but I am writing about women here ) , pay the bills, get a job, grow up !! There is no time for nonsense.

So, most of us take it to heart. We get jobs, we put those childhood dreams away. We forget about them  and go to college, if we are lucky, ( I never got to go to college )  work, get married, have kids and do all the right things. And that wonderful, creative, happy, joyful child  in us,  dies a little inside .

I used to love to play games. I spent hours as a kid running in the front yard, kickball, soccer, hopscotch, monopoly, aggravation, the game of  life, and so one. We had our four  kids and when the family  would all  get together for parties, I never got to play. I had to watch the kids. Keep my eyes on four kids and make sure they were all okay. My hubby played croquet , or whatever they were playing. I know he never understood why I would not play. He is a good husband and father, but moms are moms and moms worry. He finally convinced me the kids would be fine, relax and stop worrying and a half hour later, a stranger walked up to the door with our then 18 month old youngest son, letting us know they found him in the middle of the street. Oh dear God. I was beside myself. How he even got out of the house/ yard , we have no clue. After that, it was over. I was not ever going to take my eye off of them again. What every playfulness I had left , was gone. I was a mom, I had to watch the kids, period. That scared me half to dealth. My baby. What could have happened.

Now, obviously within a few years, they were all big enough to not worry about anymore By the time our baby was eight and the oldest was 16 I could have relaxed and not been so nervous, but now it was routine.  This was my job.

Now fast forward to today. Empty nest. None at home.The four kids range from  23 to 32 years old. No more excuses, I obviously do not have to watch them anymore. I do not know how to play any longer. It is buried in me. I know it is in there. But it is buried deep. Add that to the fact I have lost my dreams, and I have lost who I am. It is a hot mess.

I really enjoyed the symposium. They meant well. One lady was leading our table in discussion. I had a turn to talk and she asked me a bunch of questions. I suppose she got frustrated with my answers, she cut me off and went to the next person. The ironic thing is, this woman claims to be passionate about helping stay at home moms not lose them selves. WHAT? So, she takes a stay at home mom who HAS lost themselves and proceed to make her feel pretty bad. I could have been a great resource for her. I am the poster child of what she wants young women  to avoid, yet she made me feel kind of bad. I tried to not let it bother me and continued to participate, but she never gave me a turn to answer a question again.  She is a never married, never had children , around 40ish woman. No offense, but what in the hell does she know about what moms and housewives are going through if she is not willing to listen to even one who is struggling ? I told her get them while they are young, maybe they will not go through what I am going through. that was BEFORE  my incident with her and the questions. This woman also wrote a book about living your greatest life. Hmm, just saying……

I came home from this event kind of in a funky mood. I am very overweight, no  job, let alone career. I could not relate to most of these women in any way and they could not relate to me. A lot of weathy socialite women were there. Business women, career women, business owners.

I need someone to ask real questions. Not give me a bunch of inspiring quotes. I have been collecting quotes for years. They really do not help much.
I know all of those women mean well. I have no doubt in my mind all three of our speakers mean very well. But they ALL have careers and dreams they are living . They DO NOT understand the frustration and sometimes hopelessness women can go through  when they no longer have a focus in thier life. They have worked thier way out of a job, raising kids that are off on thier own and do not need them anymore. It is a hard place to be in. All of thier focus has been making sure their kids are okay, making sure the kids have what they need, not much thought as to what they need. The kids were thier career so to speak, but they get a very early retirement, with no pay and  a life time of experience that does not help them to get a job.

So, step one for me, get a car. I cannot sit at home any longer. I am beginning to be fearful to go places alone and without a car , I cannot !!

So, we did. My hubby wanted me to have a car and an opportunity for a great deal came along last night, just days after this event, and he bought me a beautiful car !!

I went out today. I went to Hobby Lobby to see if they are hiring, but they are not. Next week I will try a new place every day. I then went to Target for a crock pot and a gift and card I needed , and then to Alberstsons for some sale meat ,no really  exciting, but I enjoyed it. It was exciting to me.

As I was wandering around Target, my first time out alone  in a couple of years,  I am dead serious, my first time alone in a store,  driven there  by myself in a couple of years. I remembered a card posted on facebook, and I thought it expressed how I felt in that moment.

I am currently unsupervised !! I know, it freaks me out too !! But the possibilities are endless !!

So, I wish instead of well intentioned quotes, some of the motivational speakers would give us real steps to finding ourselves. THAT would  be movtivating to me !!

I do not want to leave the impression my life sucks. It does not. I am lucky to have a fabulous, loving and supportive husband and four amazing kids and we have three in law kids and seven grandkids. I have friends and I have some hobbies and interests. I laugh, and I live and I love.  I  do however need more. I need somthing of my own to be passionate about. I need a direction. My hubby is not responsible for my happiness, my kids and grandkids and in law kids are not repsonsible for my happiness, and neither are my friends. That is completely up to me.

I need a purpose, a drive !! Something to pull me out of bed in the mornings, excited to get involved and work on that thing !!

So, the journey continues. It is my journey, I have to take the steps. I just have to figure out which direction I need to head towards, once I have that, the rest will be pretty easy !!

Please share your insights, I think we all can learn from each others journeys. We need to share !! This journey is so important. We ALL desereve to be happy and fullfilled and passionate about something in our lives. That child is still in me, I just have to figure out how to rescue her. She deserves to be freed from the prison I put her in, and the fact I did bury that part of me, makes me so sad.

Thanks for stopping by !!

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Getting settled !

We have been in our new place for a couple of weeks now and are well into the process of getting settled. The main things are done, kitchen , our master bedroom and the bathrooms, but the spare room, that is a differant story !! I am in here on the computer, but the room is a disaster otherwise !! It will just take us some time to get it where we want it.

I have made the decision that the jewelry will simply be a fun thing to do when I want to play. I will not put any more effort into it as a business. After 20 years of trying so hard, it is very clear to me finally that that is not my path. I did not want to give up, but I realize now, when you are trying to do something that is not what you are supposed to do, not your path in life, no amount of work is going to make it work. It is time to say, I tried, and I tried a long time,  but it is not what I am supposed to do .

So, now is the fun part. Getting back to the journey and figuring out what is my path and getting on that path and enjoying my life.

I have so many things I plan to accomplish. I want to lose weight and get to a healthy weight and get more fit. I asked my new downstairs neighbors when a good time for me to excercise without bothering them and it turns out they both work all day and the first one gets home about 2:30 which gives me all day to get in some excercise without worrying about bothering them, although they did not seem too concerned about me excercising, and I appreciate it, but even walking in place can be loud downstairs even in a well made apartment !! 

I want to get back to my writing. I have several projects I had started along with this blog. Now I have the time and the quiet to work. This place is so quiet and lovely, with a creekbed behind us and quiet neighorbors  . It is amazing. I do not think we have ever lived anywhere this quiet !!

So, one day at a time as they say. I plan to really figure out where I am going and make a map to get there.  I am hoping this blog will help me to figure it all out !!

I am off to excercise and then to make some lunch. Just a nice quiet and relaxing day. I can get used to this for sure !!

No more excuses !!!

Today I got up and decided no more excuses. I am tired of being heavy and not feeling my best because of it !!

I want to get fit and have energy and between my weight and the benedryl I am taking for my really awful allergies this year, I am just tired all the time.

I would love to move in two months and be on my way to a fitter body. It would be nice to lose some weight before we move. I have to get used to going up and down a staircase as we will be on the second floor !! 

Biggest Loser this year has a theme of no excuses and I think it is a good one. So, that is the  mantra I am going to use from now on. No excuses !!  I want to feel great and look nice and feel comfortable in my own body and being this heavy it is impossible to feel comfortable .

So, I decided last night that when I got up today I was going to get going. I want to watch how much I eat, aim for 1200 calories a day and try to get at least 30 minutes of excercise a day.

I am dreading the doctor today, the scale, they will take my blood pressure and all that stuff and I am not looking forward to it. I have got to get the weight off to prevent health issues, namely diabetes and heart disease, my stomach weight makes me a huge candidate for those and I have the start of rising blood sugar and cholesterol and blood pressure caused by, I am told metabolic syndrome. So far I am avoiding taking all kinds of meds but it is inevitable if I do not get this weight off and get active.

So, today is day one and I am hoping in the next two months before I move I can work hard and see some signifacant changes in my body and how I feel.

I have to learn patience , that is a big one and my ADD I have had since childhood makes me more impulsive about eating and I will have to firmly combat that as well. Wanting something and eating it have to be two differant things. I tend to want, and then have whatever I want. 

I will keep track here how I do and anyone else trying to lose weight, I would love to  hear your stories. I am always inspired by others successes !!

So, I am on my way to a healthier me , one day at a time, no more excuses !! I deserve to be fit and feel good and I am going to work hard to make it happen !!!

Learning to love ourselves

Another blogger wrote today about people who say negitive things about overweight people, many times disquised as advice.

I do not know why people are so critical of overweight people. It seems to be the last allowed prejudice.  Many feel it is okay to tell someone they need to lose weight and tell them they eat too much and do not understand that damage they are doing.

Many overweight people struggle with self esteem. Sometimes caused by the weight and sometimes the self esteem issue causes the weight. Either way, the people that suffer from lack of self esteem have trouble getting incentive to lose weight , the food has for many become t hier comfort and the more uncomfortable with thier body they are, the more they turn to food. It often becomes  a vicous cycle .

What I want people to understand that are not overweight and have never been overweight and feel good about themselves. They are often asking someone to fight hard for someone they do not love very much. If you do not think you deserve to be happy, or deserve to be thin,  you are not going to be willing to do what it takes to work  to get thin. That causes discomfort, and the food which helps you to bury the discomfort is now going to be taken away. This can cause panic and depression in a person who is suffering with this and often is just not sustainable. Think about it this way. If you do not love yourself, and  you do not feel deserving, you are not going to be willing to fight to get the things y ou do not feel you deserve. Who is going to fight for someone they sometimes even hate or despise ?

We need to concentrate on why someone does not love themselves and teach them why they are loveable, just the way they are. Fat or thin makes no differance in our worth as a person and if  more people who tell the people they love or even just work with and know, how wonderful they and what they admire about them and help them build themselves up, they would want to do the hard work that comes with losing weight. They would start to love them selves and care about themselves and want to fix those things that are not right in thier life, without you telling them too.

Lets be clear. I have never myelf met an overweight person who wanted to be that way.Okay  I do know there are some people out there who love being  heavy  and are happy that way and love themselves heavy , and that is not the issue here. I am talking about those people who do not want to be overweight but just cannot seem to overcome the to them unsurmountable work it takes to get to goal. It is not an easy thing to do.

I have often said when you are over a hundred pounds overweight and starting a diet, it is like trying to go up 100 stairs with one hand and one leg tied behind your back.  Scary and seems impossible. But once you are invested emotionally in yourself. You see the beautfiul person that you are, and that fat or thin  you are worthy of being loved and cherished and also , you are worthy and deserving of being slim and healthy too. At that point you can see yourself reaching goal, you can see yourself happy and slim and the work does not seem overwelming anymore. That stair case seems less scary .  Hard yes, momenets it seems impossible, yes, but you are willing to work through those bad moments because you know that is all they are. Bad moments.

So, if we can just teach our thin friends that they are not helping by saying “constructive ” things , that overweight people  know they  need to lose weight , and they  know they  are too heavy and have health risks because of it.  Instead they should show thier friends they care.  Tell tell them  what  you admire about them and how much you like them. What their strengths are and how beaufiful they are.  Show jthem they  matter and that you are glad they  are here , fat or thin. Love them  unconditionally .

Not many people are willing to fight for someone they do not love or care about, so you are just ingraining that feeling of being unworthy every time  you tell a heavy person what they should be doing. It makes them feel like a failure and it is humiliating.

We are all worthy. We are all beautiful. It took me a while to see that, but now I am happy with who I am and I am now willing to work to be healthy because I deserve to be healthy and strong and fit. I deserve to have energy and be able to do all the things I want to do.

So, lets just help each other love ourselves. Nothing is more important for so many reasons.  We are all wonderful, beautfiul and deserving of good things.

Over a month and going strong !!

today is day 31 of no caffiene and drinking water. I had a couple of diet sodas  , caffiene free of course, this week and once again did not like how t hey made me feel so I am comfortable saying I feel I am done with them.

I am doing great with water and today I allowed myself a glass of water with some lemon juice and a couple of stevia packets with my  lunch, I liked it so much I had another one, and used up the lemon I cut up, but then I was fine the rest of the day with ice water. I am thriled with that.

If you had told me I would be able to go a month plus drinking only water, I would have laughed at that statement. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to give up my life long love affair with diet soda, but it appears we have broken up !! I could not be happier about it. Water is healthier, my skin looks better, my bladder feels better , lol, and it is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying diet soda. No more caffiene ups and downs . I know that is much better on my adrenal glands and my body overall.

I have not made much progress on the rest of my plan, but I am slowly eating better and  although not really exciercising I am trying to move a bit more and excercise is something very important to me and I plan to really start doing something. The kids will be at school part of the day and that will allow me some  p rivacy to work out, that will be great !!

So, I am very pleased with this accomplishment and look forward to one day not even remembering the last day I had a diet soda because it will have been so long ago !!!

OH, another benefit of giving up carmel colored drinks, whiter teeth, big differance, and I love that too !! So many positives and no real  negitives !!