Getting motivated and getting a plan

We have some wonderful new neighbors at our new house and truely feel we won the neighbor lotto as everyone we have  met on our street is just wonderful !! One family next to us is having some pretty exciting opportunities come thier way  and it is so fun to watch thier dreams coming true . My best girl friend Laurie just got her LVN license, and is on the path to being an RN   which is her dream come true, all of our kids  and thier spouses are starting to really  find thier paths and are doing well, which is so wonderfu land I am so excited to see these wonderful people having great things happen !!!

It made me realize that I am not content just watching them reach thier dreams and have wonderful things happen, I want to have wonderful things happen in my life !!

I have a great life. To borrow a line from a fellow Blogger I folllow, The Dancing professer, I have a dreamy life !! I have a truely wonderful husband who supports anything I want to do. He is not at all upset with me when I have a fun day instead of washing laundry , even if he is really short on socks,  and is truely happy that I had a good day and will throw in a load himself , no compaining, although I really try hard to make sure he has what he needs each day . We honestly love each other and enjoy each others company and after almost 32 years of marriage are really happy together in our marriage and are each others best  friends as well as married.  We share four truely amazing kids and three of them are now married and their spouses  are all like our own kids, we love them so much and they have given us eight grandkids, which are such a blessing !!

Blessings all, and I am so grateful every day for each and every one of those precious beings in my life !!

I have also been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. Some here in person, some friends I have had for life that live in other states as either I  or both of us,  have moved from  where we all knew each other. I have wonderful blogger friends and friends on facebook I have never met. Each one is a blessing and a gift in my life. I enjoy reading the blogs and talking on the phone and keeping up with all these wonderful people.

I have done what I was supposed to do. With considerable help from my hubby  we have raised our four kids to be wonderful and interesting adults that I would want to know even if they were not our kids. We are so proud of them all.

Now, it is my time. I do not want to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines cheering everyone on with no one cheering me. I want to have goals and work hard to make my own celebrations !! Life is so amazing and there are so many wonderful people and places and things to do,  and I want David and I to be able to see the world and meet interesting people and have some fun and interesting experiences !!!

So, it is time for me to start making more plans and then start making them happen.   Both for my personal future, what I want to be now that our  kids are grown up, and for us to make plans for us as a couple now that we do not have to make our plans around kids any longer. And also help my husband with his own plans, give him support to think about what he wants to do. He has supported us our entire marriage and never really give much thought to what woudl make him happy career wise, versus just bringing home money for the family. I want him to be happy every day with what he does , not just have to endure a job the next twenty years. HE works hard in his currrent job, makes good money but it is not his passion, although he is very good at what he does.

MY biggest problem is I am so scattered. I love to do too many things and need to focus on one  or at most two.

I love to write, draw, bead, take pictures, do all kinds of crafts, read, talk on the phone, visit with friends, go to yard sales and thrift shops, although those last few really are not career goals, although the yard sales and thrift stores could be part of a goal.

I have been working on a book for years, time to finish it and figure out what i am going to do with it  publishing wise.

I am also working hard to get off about half my body weight and that is very distracting as well. Going slow, but when you have a metabolism problem, which the endrocinologist said I do, It will just take longer but will happen in time.

So, the big questions is what do I want to do the most ??  I really do not know !!!!

We recently moved into a new(old) house and it is taking so much time to get settled in. I am finally going to have a proper work area in the living room and once that is all done and every thing I own is put away, I know I will be a bit more focused .

Did I mention I also have ADHD from childhood ?  I am constantly having to keep myself on track as I can be distracted off anything I am doing so easily.

They say to figure out what you loved to do as a child to find your true calling. I loved to do kid stuff. Run, jump, play kickball, play with my little animal toys,and for a while Barbies, draw, play with clay, paint, , color, sing, talk and spend time with my friends and play make believe games. Pretty average child stuff. Nothing that really steers me toward a dream or goal.  Kind of the same stuff I love today, except for the Barbies and animal toys, make believe ,  and the  running and jumping thing. But that is not the point !!!  I suppose some make believe in our lives would not be a bad thing, day dreaming is so important and that is what we do as kids, but we act it out !!  I had noticed lately I do not day dream as much as I used to and I do not like that !!

That is what made me start this blog, and I had every intention of writing here often and working hard to figure me out , but then life  just got in the way. It become an occasional thing. But seeing all the happy news around me, and watching the people I like and care about having such fun times and seeing so many dreams starting to come true, it really has  hit me that I have to start moving toward some goals.

I sit in my house way too much. I am living through others, way too much. I deserve, as everyone does, to have dreams and goals and celebrations of my own.

We get married, we have a shower, or showers, the wedding, and that fun time of getting used to being married. Then you have the babies and those showers and then pretty much after that, if you do not keep your personal goals alive, everything is for the kids. Their first day of school. Their graduations and big birthdays, one , ten, sixteen, and  you kind of push your stuff to the back. We did not have a big 25 th wedding anniversary party and that is a shame. We should have. I did not have a big 50th birthday, nor did my husband, we should have.

What is life, if not for celebrating ??

So, I am going to work harder, as I navigate life stuff, setting up this house, babysitting grand kids and celebrating everyone’s goals reached and dreams coming true, and get some goals of my own.

I know some things I want to accomplish.

1 lose the weight that as Oprah put it, is mud in my wings. I do believe that. I am not as bubbly and outgoing as I used to be when I felt pretty and had a thin more agile body. Although still outgoing and friendly, I am less  willing to put myself out there than I used to be.

2, finish my book and get it published and out there.

3. Get my jewelry business profitable. I am very , very proud of the quality of my pieces. I know they are good quality and worth what I ask. I just have to figure out how to get my pieces  promoted better. I am working on it, by  sponsoring a very cute and lovely  blog, showing my items on another  wonderful blog. website,  and putting them on Etsy .com.  Those links, if not on this blog to the right, are on my beading blog, which is on the right.

4. Get our debt paid off so that David has some options. Once we are debt free, except for our houses, they will be ongoing for a while, then we have more options open for doing some of the t hings we are passionate about . Real estate, we have dreamed of owning rental property and finally have one house rented and one we live in. Also , we would love to open a store and rent out booths to crafters and antique dealers. That has been a dream for honestly most of our marriage. We have rented booths and tried that way, but that is not the way to do it. Have others pay the rent and you can sell your stuff with no rental, trying to pay the rent on a booth leaves it harder to make that profit !!  We have to be debt free and maybe willing to live above  that business for a while to get it off the ground, so more things to work towards. This would be a purchased building, so the mortgage and business could be one for a while.

A good start.  Much work to do.

I will work hard on becoming focused. Something my ADHD brain has issues with at times !!!

Thanks for stopping in, I will share as I go !!!

 

some pictures I took in our back yard the other day, great new camera !!! Took a lot more, but will just share a few !!

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On going journey

I posted recentlyl about how lost I am and how I am trying to figure out who I am , and what happened to me.

Not too long after posting that post, I got an invitation from a local media personality with whom I had interacted with on her facebook page,  to attend a symposium on empowering women. It was a huge eye opener for sure.

This was very out of my comfort zone. Me. Alone. Large group of women I do not know.  I did it though and for that I am proud of myself. I went in with zero expectations , not knowing what to expect. I knew this person hosting and a couple of other speakers would be trying thier best to inspire and  help us to find power within ourselves.

I learned some interersting things. Only 4 percent of the population are doing what they were born to do. I am not sure how anyone came up with that figure, but if it true, sad.  I think it was kind of ironic that Dove Soap announced in thier most recent ad  that only  4 percent of women around the world think they are beautiful. Both are sad statisics. Strange that they are the same.

some of the advice we were given was

Do your destiny

Lets do this thing

I live by, do something, even if it is wrong,

take action, a plan without action is only a wish

verbalize it, say it outloud to yourself , tell someone else.

Do what you say you are going to do.

Visualize it. Picture joy in the end result.

Don’t be fearless, just fear less

Be courageous, determined and resolute

Never give up

Surround yourself with good people

seek wise councel

Start right where you are.

Do it for yourself.

Do it because you love it

Think outside the box

Take the first step

balance is the key

do it with excellence

We were asked a lot of questions

What do I want for ME

What is the one thing, you have always wanted to do ?

What is holding you back ?

What gets your heart rate going ?

More inspirational quotes,

be in the moment

Do it afraid

go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

think about what things are most important to you.

then more questions

What gives you meaning in life,

What are the principals and actions that guide your decisions

more quotes

You were made for more

We each have a higher purpose

You were made to leave a mark

We are what we think we are. Identify your obstacles

As yourself how much do I want this  ?

Identify with your goal.

A lot of great quotes,  and I truely enjoyed what all three of these ladies had to say.

The problem is, when you have lost yourself, you are not even in a place to ask yourself these kinds of questions.

How in the heck do I do my destiny when I have no clue what it is ? I have no damn clue.   None . At . All .

What thing are we supposed to do, IF we are struggling to find WHO we are ?

Doing something, even if it is wrong. Obviously many of us are doing the wrong thing, that does not help. If you keep doing wrong things in the hope you will do the right eventually, that does not work. Another saying comes to mind, I believe it was Einstien that said it,  definition of Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differant outcome . How many of us do this exact thing ? We think it is us trying to make something happen. We are not supposed to give up. We are supposed to pursue our dreams !! When the dreams do not come true, we might still keep going, just thinking, this time I will make it !! But it never works. Unless it does, and then you got what you wanted and that is really awesome and wonderful, but for most of us, it does not work out that way.

How are you supposed to take action or visualize something that you do not even know ? How can I visualize an outcome when I cannot figure out that outcome ?
I am a huge believer in the law of attraction, but to attract it you have to know what you want so you can think about it and attract it !!

I would love to be courageous. That sounds so powerful. BE COURAGEOUS  !!! BE DETERMINED !! BE RESOLUTE !! Please tell me what that means. I really have no clue at all.

The logical song comes to mind.

It starts out, telling how wonderful and magical life was when he was young, but then he was sent away to become responsible and dependable and at one point in the song he asks to be told what he has learned and as absurb as it seems, can you tell him who he is ? I am not quoiting directly because I am not sure I can legally, but look up the song lyrics, I have heard it recently on the oldies channel and it struck a chord with me.

We start out small kids. Well, babies, and we see the world so magicly. Wonder, joy, amazment, everything is new, wonderful, awesome, and insipring. We start to build dreams, often big , wonderful dreams , and then we become adults and we are told we have to be practical. be moms, ( dads, but I am writing about women here ) , pay the bills, get a job, grow up !! There is no time for nonsense.

So, most of us take it to heart. We get jobs, we put those childhood dreams away. We forget about them  and go to college, if we are lucky, ( I never got to go to college )  work, get married, have kids and do all the right things. And that wonderful, creative, happy, joyful child  in us,  dies a little inside .

I used to love to play games. I spent hours as a kid running in the front yard, kickball, soccer, hopscotch, monopoly, aggravation, the game of  life, and so one. We had our four  kids and when the family  would all  get together for parties, I never got to play. I had to watch the kids. Keep my eyes on four kids and make sure they were all okay. My hubby played croquet , or whatever they were playing. I know he never understood why I would not play. He is a good husband and father, but moms are moms and moms worry. He finally convinced me the kids would be fine, relax and stop worrying and a half hour later, a stranger walked up to the door with our then 18 month old youngest son, letting us know they found him in the middle of the street. Oh dear God. I was beside myself. How he even got out of the house/ yard , we have no clue. After that, it was over. I was not ever going to take my eye off of them again. What every playfulness I had left , was gone. I was a mom, I had to watch the kids, period. That scared me half to dealth. My baby. What could have happened.

Now, obviously within a few years, they were all big enough to not worry about anymore By the time our baby was eight and the oldest was 16 I could have relaxed and not been so nervous, but now it was routine.  This was my job.

Now fast forward to today. Empty nest. None at home.The four kids range from  23 to 32 years old. No more excuses, I obviously do not have to watch them anymore. I do not know how to play any longer. It is buried in me. I know it is in there. But it is buried deep. Add that to the fact I have lost my dreams, and I have lost who I am. It is a hot mess.

I really enjoyed the symposium. They meant well. One lady was leading our table in discussion. I had a turn to talk and she asked me a bunch of questions. I suppose she got frustrated with my answers, she cut me off and went to the next person. The ironic thing is, this woman claims to be passionate about helping stay at home moms not lose them selves. WHAT? So, she takes a stay at home mom who HAS lost themselves and proceed to make her feel pretty bad. I could have been a great resource for her. I am the poster child of what she wants young women  to avoid, yet she made me feel kind of bad. I tried to not let it bother me and continued to participate, but she never gave me a turn to answer a question again.  She is a never married, never had children , around 40ish woman. No offense, but what in the hell does she know about what moms and housewives are going through if she is not willing to listen to even one who is struggling ? I told her get them while they are young, maybe they will not go through what I am going through. that was BEFORE  my incident with her and the questions. This woman also wrote a book about living your greatest life. Hmm, just saying……

I came home from this event kind of in a funky mood. I am very overweight, no  job, let alone career. I could not relate to most of these women in any way and they could not relate to me. A lot of weathy socialite women were there. Business women, career women, business owners.

I need someone to ask real questions. Not give me a bunch of inspiring quotes. I have been collecting quotes for years. They really do not help much.
I know all of those women mean well. I have no doubt in my mind all three of our speakers mean very well. But they ALL have careers and dreams they are living . They DO NOT understand the frustration and sometimes hopelessness women can go through  when they no longer have a focus in thier life. They have worked thier way out of a job, raising kids that are off on thier own and do not need them anymore. It is a hard place to be in. All of thier focus has been making sure their kids are okay, making sure the kids have what they need, not much thought as to what they need. The kids were thier career so to speak, but they get a very early retirement, with no pay and  a life time of experience that does not help them to get a job.

So, step one for me, get a car. I cannot sit at home any longer. I am beginning to be fearful to go places alone and without a car , I cannot !!

So, we did. My hubby wanted me to have a car and an opportunity for a great deal came along last night, just days after this event, and he bought me a beautiful car !!

I went out today. I went to Hobby Lobby to see if they are hiring, but they are not. Next week I will try a new place every day. I then went to Target for a crock pot and a gift and card I needed , and then to Alberstsons for some sale meat ,no really  exciting, but I enjoyed it. It was exciting to me.

As I was wandering around Target, my first time out alone  in a couple of years,  I am dead serious, my first time alone in a store,  driven there  by myself in a couple of years. I remembered a card posted on facebook, and I thought it expressed how I felt in that moment.

I am currently unsupervised !! I know, it freaks me out too !! But the possibilities are endless !!

So, I wish instead of well intentioned quotes, some of the motivational speakers would give us real steps to finding ourselves. THAT would  be movtivating to me !!

I do not want to leave the impression my life sucks. It does not. I am lucky to have a fabulous, loving and supportive husband and four amazing kids and we have three in law kids and seven grandkids. I have friends and I have some hobbies and interests. I laugh, and I live and I love.  I  do however need more. I need somthing of my own to be passionate about. I need a direction. My hubby is not responsible for my happiness, my kids and grandkids and in law kids are not repsonsible for my happiness, and neither are my friends. That is completely up to me.

I need a purpose, a drive !! Something to pull me out of bed in the mornings, excited to get involved and work on that thing !!

So, the journey continues. It is my journey, I have to take the steps. I just have to figure out which direction I need to head towards, once I have that, the rest will be pretty easy !!

Please share your insights, I think we all can learn from each others journeys. We need to share !! This journey is so important. We ALL desereve to be happy and fullfilled and passionate about something in our lives. That child is still in me, I just have to figure out how to rescue her. She deserves to be freed from the prison I put her in, and the fact I did bury that part of me, makes me so sad.

Thanks for stopping by !!

418

I lost myself , what have I become ?

I started this blog because I felt I had lost who I was and wanted to find myself. It was time to be me. I realized today I had gotten away from that journey and it was affecting me.

Today a woman who is struggling with some issues in her life, commented that she needed to get her life back, that she had lost herself in raising her kids and felt she had gotten boring. I assure you this woman is far from boring, but I got her point. I told her this is something many stay at home moms suffer from, in all age groups.  We lose ourselves somehow when we devote ourselves to being great mommies and we wake up one day, at 30, 40 or even 50 like I was and wonder what in the heck happened to us ? It made me start thinking about how I got here, and what caused me to lose who I am ?

We adore our kids, we are told they come first and we put them first. For me, I woke up later in life, and met a fat, on the edge of unhealthy, totally lost version of myself. Who is this woman that looks back at me in the mirror ? That cannot possibly be me. Ah, but it is.

How sad, that the one treasure in our life, our precious kids,they are such a wonderful gift,  are also the one thing that bring us down as the creative , inventive, curious, fun loving women we could be . In our love for them, we lose some of our love for ourselves. Many women learn to hate the woman they have become, which is especially sad. We are all loveable, even in our scattered, lost state, we deserve to love ourselves, and each other. We deserve to be loved by our families. We are lost , perhaps, but not worthless or unloveable. Many times the weight is from metabolic changes caused by childbirth, yet women blame themselves. Yes we are partly to blame, but it happens so slowly while we make sure our kids have what they need.  Weight goes on slowly and one day, like the frog in the frying pan, that when the heat is slowly raised, does not sense it and boils to death, which by the way is a myth I read, but a good way to describe what happens. You just do not see the weight adding up. It really is a shock when you see that video or photo of you, and you say, oh my gosh, who IS that woman , Me ???

We are told, we cannot have it all and do it all well. Why not ? Men have for centuries. They could have a fullfilling career, fame, fortune, or just a great job they love, making good money and then come home and spend the weekends playing with the kids and enjoying having it all. They feel no remorse over housework not done. They do not worry about the laundry. Women on the other hand, tend to take it all on. They work, come home,  do the housework and cook and do laundry while the husband in many cases  has been playing with the kids, or watching tv, but many times when he does offer help, the woman says No, I’ve got it. Guilt is a terrible thing.  I do not think, a lot of the time,  that the men do not want to help, they just do not agonize over it like women do. When they do offer a few times and are told no, many times they stop offering. The women starts to feel she has no help, but she has actually caused it by not letting him help. NOT ALL WOMEN DO THIS, and not all men help either. But I have seen it again and again over time. Or if he helps, she gets mad that he did not do it right and re does it. I am embarrassed to say I have been guilty of that a time or two as I have a wonderful husband who was always willing to help. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped it. I appreciated the help he was giving and took it the way he did it. It was not wrong, just not MY way. Sometimes things can be done HIS way and they are just fine.

Some women are married or partnered with a man who does not feel he should have to help. I like to think this happens less as time goes on, but it still happens. The women is expected to cook, clean, take care of kids, and maybe even work outside the home as well.  That kind of situation makes it much worse and the result is a complete loss of identity sometimes because they just do what is expected of them with no thought of what they want.

No matter how it happens, somehow, many women lose the sense of who they are. What they enjoyed , things they were interested in. The spark goes out  and they feel let down by life. They do not even realize why they are so unhappy. They just feel guilt all the time, no matter what they do and feel a sense of something missing. When you are home everyday, no adult conversations, cleaning up kids messes and not doing anything you love, you lose more of yourself each day.

Many Dads do not feel guilty for working. It is what they have to do for their families. They go to work to get a check to pay the bills. But many women feel such guilt when they work. They feel they have to make it up when they get home, being supermom,  and they burn out fast.

Cooking, cleaning, soccer practice, they work all day, come home, and work until they drop in bed at night. It never seems to end. No down time, no time to be themselves, over time, they just disappear . They may even look the same,  but they are not the same inside.

I wish as a whole, that  society would support moms more. Women can be meanest to other women. Stay at home moms criticize working moms, working moms criticize stay at home moms. Why can’t we just support each other as women and help each other to be the best we can be no matter if we stay home to raise our kids, or go out in the world and pursue a job or career ? We do not need to put other women down to justify our choices. Many choices can be good ones, you have to pick the best one for you !!

It is time for women to realize thier value. To give themselves permission to find themselves. To ask their spouses to support their journey to find themselves. They will benefit from this discovery as well.

We fall in love with our spouse and some people wake up one day and do not like who they are looking at. But I believe we all take some responsibility in our spouses changing in ways maybe we might not like. Did we encourage them to follow thier dreams, or to even have dreams ? Did they ask them how they are feeling, or what they want to do with their lives outside of their parenting roles. Men and women , we need to do this. Lets be clear,  men can go through this as well, but women seem to really have a corner on losing themselves. It is just as tragic when men lose themselves, but it seems more common with women. I could be wrong, but that is my experience !!

So, we have to give ourselves permission to be happy. We have to love ourselves just the way we are. Fat , thin, young old, it does not matter. We are worthy of being  loved and cherished and we are worthy of finding out what makes us happy.

Reba McEntire has a song that says it all, Is there life out there ? I love the lyrics to this song. A woman talks about how she longs to see what is out there in the world, she does not want to leave her family, just wants to find herself.  This song really speaks to me.

I started on this journey to find myself and got lost again and let this blog just sit here , unused. . Life happens and we just sort of let go of the search and let life pull us along.

No more.

I decided that I am going to work on me.

Exercise, eat better, no drastic food changes, but small positive ones.  I am lucky, my husband is on this same wavelength, so we are doing this together.

pay off debt, a goal with my hubby, we want to be debt free to open door for us to things we would like to do.

I am blogging and praying and meditating to find myself.  I am not sure who I am anymore. I am being kind to myself. I have a lot of weight to lose and I refuse to call myself names or put myself down. I would never talk to someone I loved like that, why would I talk to myself that way. Yet I hear women call them selves horrible names all the time. I do refer to myself as fat, but as a descriptive word, not as an insult. Saying I am fluffy is not going to give me incentive to lose weight. Stating the fact I am overweight, or fat, puts the fact out there and helps to push me.

So, I know this was a rambling post but I just feel so strongly that something needs to be done for women. We should be able to raise our kids, and not lose ourselves in the process.

If the woman I mentioned at the start of this happens to read this, then thank you, you got me thinking about my own journey again. I have been feeling a bit lost and now I can start to work on finding myself again. That is the worst part, when you lose yourself and forget the journey you started to find yourself. Life can take back over in a second, we have to be diligent, but we can be happy, we can be fulfilled, we can be interesting and are probably more interesting then we realize,  we just have to get out of our own way !!

We can be moms and can love our kids, and give them a lot, but we have to give to ourselves too.

I have always heard when you are on a plane the instructions are, in an emergency, put the mask on yourself first, make sure you have air, so that you can save your kids. this is the same thing. When we are interested in life. When we enjoy our life, when we are happy, the kids benefit.

We have to put ourselves and our relationships with our spouses first , the kids need us to do that. We have to give ourselves that oxygen first. Then, and only then, we can take care of them . They will be better people if we show them an example of a happy fulfilled mom. What a great gift to give our kids. To show them how to live well and keep themselves intact while they raise a family. It is hard to do, but we can do it. I am praying we can see the next generation coming up not suffer from this.

It is never to late to find ourselves. We need to be a shining example to other women.

So, I start, and will take it , one day at a time, on breath at a time, and I will get there, and the discovery of who I am will be all the more precious for the journey I have been on !!
Thanks for bearing with me, but I feel so passionate about this, I appreciate you stopping by and would love to hear your input. I do not claim to know it all, just know how I feel. I would love to hear how other women deal with this, and the men who love them. So, comment away, I would love to hear from you !!

These are the things I know

I have to say, life is pretty good these days. I am enjoying finding out what it is like for my hubby and I to live alone after 30 plus years living with our kids. I miss everyone, being an hour away, but I am happy learning to be by myself and it is a new experience. We have a lovely, very quiet apartment with a gorgeous view of a creek bed and trees. So wonderful and relaxing. Two bedrooms and two bathrooms, what luxury, and I use both bathrooms, just because I can !!!

I am continuing to work on finding me, I finally have the time to be me, but still have not really figured out who I am yet. After a lifetime of raising kids and helping with grandkids, I am still not exactly sure who I am.

These are the things I know about me so far.

this is seperate from me the Mom, grandma, wife, aunt, sister, and so on, this is just me. I am trying to figure out myself so I am trying to understand myself better. I know I love my family and friends, it is me that is a mystery after all these years !!

I am passionate about photography, it is probably the thing I love most and when I miss a good photo opp, it really bothers me. I have a few shots I never took, that years later, I still am mad about, lol !! I think with my camera most of the time when I am out and about, oh, look, that would be a great picture, that kind of thing and my iphone and pink elph cannon point and shoot are always with me. I need a ten step program. My six year old computer has , no lie, over 14, 000 pictures on it. The box for my new computer says it holds 170,000 pictures, or something like that. I think I will be okay for a while.  My cell phone had 1500 until I moved some to the computer and deleted them off the phone, I have had it one year this month. I still have over a thousand on it. No kidding.

I love to create, with beads, paint, stamps, words, a camera, being an artist is who I am and I have to create.

I need to write. I find when I write, I am happier. I love blogging, writing poems, emails and even texts. I am list maker too and I know it is because I love to write.

I love to bake ,and have always baked for our family. It is how I show my love sometimes.

I procrastinate, badly. I can put things off like crazy when I do not want to deal with them, and that is not a good thing.

I love chocolate and I  eat chocolate when I am happy, sad, hormonal, bored, mad,  you get the picture, I love chocolate !! I do not really eat it as much as I would like to though.

I get overwhelmed easily, like right now with a studio full of stuff to list on my etsy store, my ADD kicks in and I get frozen and do not know what to do first, a big issue I am working on. I have only been dealing with it my entire life, but it is time to overcome some of those bad habits, I have to push through when I get overwhelmed !!

I am content right now. Just happy to be where I am, and who I am , even if I am not sure who that is right now. I like being where I am in life and looking forward to finding new dreams and  goals.

I know there is a lot more, but it is late and my brain is tired !!

Here are some pictures I have taken , and when I have taken one, there are usually at least 200 more !! I am usually the official event photographer at the  grand kids parties, I cannot help it, I love to take pictures !!

not sure why, but I love to take pictures of traffic lights, have better ones from upstate NY but they are on my old computer and I cannot  get to them !!

Well, I am pushing it, when I try to add too many pictures to my blog, it starts putting them in the wrong places, so I had best stop while I am ahead !! This was not too show I am a wonderful photographer, I know I am not, I am still  learning !! T hey are  just to show  that I love to take so many kinds of pictures and to share a few favorites of mine . I have  hundreds of the grand kids, but I cannot post them without permission. They are not my kids to share and some parents do not like thier kids pictures online so I work hard to respect that !!

So, another great day and looking forward to a really nice day tomorrow !! Thanks for stopping by !!  I am happy to share my journey with whoever wants to share it with me  !!

Changing habits

Changing habits is a hard thing to do. Even when you want the change pretty badly. I have been wanting to lose weight and get our finances in better shape, as far as saving money goes, we pay our bills , so that is fine, but we do not seem to get much of whats left over into the bank and that is frustrating me . Getting out of  the bad habits that keep us where we are , seem to be a huge uphill climb.

I have often said, when contemplating the 125 pounds I have to lose, that it seems like I am  looking up 125  stairs, and having to jump up them with one foot and one hand tied behind  my  back, a very scary and seemingly impossible thing to do. That , however is just my perception, the reality is not quite so bad, I just have to overcome my own bad habits and even some self defeating thoughts .

I do not hate myself and tell myself all kinds of bad things because I am fat. No, I really have come to an accepting place w ith myself and I can actually treat myself as I would a loved one who was heavy and needed help, with love, not contempt.  We will never accomplish any goals if we have self contempt. I do realize I am the same person, fat or thin, so if I do not love myself fat, I will not love myself thin.  I have a husband and children and grandchildren and friends that think I am valuable and lovable, so why would I think I am not , just because I am fat ?

Now, that said. I do not accept the fat as just the way it will be. I am not comfortable with it, and do not like seeing the parts of me that are so heavy, like my stomach. I refuse however, to see it as discustinng and less then, it is just something I need to take care of, and learn lessons from.   There are reasons I got this heavy and frankly, it really does not matter to me why, I think too many people waste too much time trying to figure out why they got fat instead of figuring out how to get unfat. I need to eat better , and excercise. The endrocrinologist told me I have metobolic syndrome and it will make it harder to lose weight but that I can do it.I am very determined as we make our move to our new place to really look at it as a huge opportunity to make some of the big changes I want so much. With less daily obligations I will have the time to concentrate on what is important to me. I want to prepare healthy meals and eat at home most of the time, really cutting down our eating out to a time or two a month , a very bad habit we have right now.

My husband needs to lose weight too, not as much as me, but a significant amount so we are in this together and  have the same feelings about it. We know with the stress of the move and all we have to do to finish up fixing this house up for our kids to rent and  getting the yard sale stuff put together and have the yard sale before we move, and the actual move, we are probably not going to make as many good decisions as we should ,but , we will try to at least do better and then once we move, we will not have any more excuses  , we will really get moving.

Next week when he is home earlier every day on his new shift, we will start walking , so that will be a positve thing. A small start but one that will help with our stress and start our process of getting back into shape and feeling good again, we both do not have the energy we should.

Then, once we move, with all the wonderful activities we have available at the new apartment, we can swim in the lap pool, walk or bike the five mail cement trail, or use the 24 hour gym, and we plan to use them all  on a every day basis, we are so excited !!

So, I think when we have some bad habits, we have to want to change them bad enough and then just start doing the things that we want. Maybe  small steps, not everyone can  move and start all over, but we can start with one thing, like we are with the walking before we move, and making some better food choices, even if it is a whole wheat bun with the hamburger we grill, or  adding some veggies , some small thing to start.

It can be done, but we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. We would never beat up a friend who was struggling the way we can ourselves at times. How many times I have said , I am so stupid, when I do something, well, eh, stupid, lol, but now I do not say that, I will say, oops, or that was dumb, but NOT, I AM  dumb.

We have to love ourselves to get where we want to be. We are all loveable, even with our faults, no one is perfect, so we need to be more forgiving and loving  to ourselves and then we will find it easier to be loving and forgiving to others.  

As the old saying goes, one day at a time, really, that is all we can do, but we can do anything if we really want it and are willing to go for it, just that one day, one step at a time.

I would love to hear how others have changed their bad habits and made positve changes in their lives  !!

I am still doing a lot of thinking about the future and what I want to do with myself now that my job is over. I have raised my kids and now they are all on thier own. I need to find a new focus.

For the last two and a half years our daughter and her family have lived with us . They joined us in Texas from Calif when our son in law lost his job in the housing industry. It took them a while with this economy but they both finally have jobs they can build a future on and we are moving out of our own house  mid June to let them rent it from us and we are getting a wonderful apartment to start the next chapter in. It is very exciting.

Now I need to figure out what I want to do next.  I have been working on jewelry for the better part of 20 plus years and although I feel I make lovely items and they seem well recieved, my sales are really only to my wonderful family and friends.  I appreciate them all so much, but it has become crystal clear that I have not found a way to create an income from my work and it is getting to be increasingly frustrating.

I am not sure I can continue to beat my head against the wall any longer. I see others selling thier jewelry hand over fist and making an actual living, but for some reason, I just am not enjoying that kind of success. After 20 years, I think I need to make it a hobby and leave it at that.  Enough is enough and my passion for beads and jewelry is obviously  not enough to overcome my lack of ability to find a successful venue to sell my pieces.  I  think if I had a creative partner to get together with and share the expenses I could branch out to some craft fairs and give that a try, but no matter how hard I have tried, no luck.  I have met people time and again who seem to have that same desire to find a craft partnere, give them my card, and never hear a thing back from them.

I just think maybe I am being shown over and over, this is not what I am supposed to be doing.

I love to write. I used to love to draw. Once we had our four kids, I lost the time for those pursuits and that is when the jewelry came into my life. Jewelry you can create with kids running and screaming around you. No big huge concentration is needed. At least not for me, maybe some people need quiet, but I do not . I always have the tv on , or I am on a phone call when I create my jewelry .

I am thinking once we are in the apartment I will start working on my writing and drawing skills again. When I look at what I drew in my teens and young twenties it is discouraging to see how much I have lost.  Drawing is something I have to concentrate on. I need to focus and think.  I will have that quiet time to draw once we move.

I think at some point you have to figure the universe is telling you something. Maybe jewelry  is just not what I am supposed to be doing. Not my life work, not my calling. I am okay with it. I have kind of been feeling this way for a while.  Jewelry is not the thing I came here to this life to do. I have always been an artist, jewelry just has been my most recent medium to work with.

I am looking forward to this great adventure we are starting in June. I am so excited. I am trying to figure out what to do. Do I set up a studio or do I pack up the beads and put the boxes in the guest room closet or storage closet and forget them for a while ? I just do not know.

Sometimes when you have been trying something for a long time, it is not so fun anymore. I am still just as able to create, and I do enjoy making pieces, especially custom orders but for the most part, when you c reate to sell the fun goes out and the frustration comes in !!

The only thing I do know for absolutely sure is that I want my future to be even more fun and creative and exciting than my past has been !! I have shared my life with my wonderful husband for over 30 years and our kids  have been such a blessing. It has been fun and never boring, and I want to have a fun and interesting next half of my life too !!

I am going to be 52 in June. That is still very  young. I used to think I would be old at 50, but if my eyes are closed, I feel much younger. When I cannot see the weight I put on , it does not affect me, only when I am looking do I see the weight that has been a bit of an albatrose around my neck.

Oprah once said her fat was like mud in her wings and I can relate to that. I think I need to work on getting rid of the extra weight  and see where that takes me.

I am learning that finding yourself. working on being who you came here to be, is not easy work.  It is really hard. It is not exciting all the time, but can be very boring and tedious to find what you are supposed to do.

I wish the answer was there for me to read, but it is not !! It is a deep hard excavation that we have to do. Removing those rocks and dirt a bit of a time and using that little brush to gently move things out of our way so we can see underneath the facade we have created !! I know something great is there, I know it will be fun and creative and fullfilling. I also know I have some more digging to get to it.  

So, for now I am packing and  figuring out what to take, lend the kids, or sell. Lots of hard work. we want to lighten the load and start fresh without so much stuff !!

Life is meant to be lived to the fullest and that is what I want to do.   I want to enjoy the journey too, not just what the journey shows me. The journey could be quite long, it could be quite short, but the journey will teach me about myself and that is very important !!

The best is yet to be

I was given something to think about today while watching The View. I had never really thought a lot about it , but something said by John Ramsey made me think.  After losing his six year old daughter Jon Boni fifteen years ago, and then his wife seven years ago  , he was asked if he still had the  good years ahead of him.

Wow, what a thing to ask yourself !! Are the good years still ahead of me ? 

When we are young we have so much to look forward to. Getting through grammer school, going to middle school, and then going to high school. Your first date, learning to drive, getting your license, getting a car, getting your first job, graduating high school. Possibly going to college and then graduating. Meeting the right person, gettting engaged, getting married, buying a house, having your babies, moving up in your career ,  all this is ahead of you.

One day you wake up. Your kids are grown. You may even own a house. You may even have grandkids. What is left to look forward to ? Are the best days behind you at that point ? Especially for us stay at home moms who never pursued a career. What in the heck is left to look forward to as a personal goal now ? Haven’t we reached all the miles stones we get in life ?

I had thought some about that. Obviously that is why I started this blog. But never in those terms. Are the best years ahead of me, or behind me ?  I think it really depends on you.

If you think, okay, thats it. I am done, there is nothing left to look forward to in my life. Just exist until I die, then that is probably what will happen and you might not live a very long full life.Or it might seem very long because you are so unfullfilled and bored stupid.

But if you say, okay. The obvious milestones have been met, but I am going to find new ones and find out who I am and what I want now that I have finished my very  important work of raising my kids, that will give you a completely differant perspective and therefore a differant view of life. 

There is no obvious physical differance between people with those two seperate attitudes, both start from the same place,  butonce that question is answered  the spiritual, mental and physical life of those two people are completely differant based on how they answer it.

If you believe with all your heart you can set new milestones and build a new life then you can do that.

Go back to school, start a new career. If you have never worked, get a job you enjoy or start a business of your own.

What do you love to do ? What excites you ? That is where we need to start.

I am so excited now that I heard John Ramsey say that today. Now I know what I need to do.

I need to set goals for myself so I can build a wonderful future for myself.

Now, many people will say, what about my spouse ? Where do they fit in to this ? Well, they do and they don’t. They do in that they are your spouse and the most important person in your life and what you do impacts them. But they cannot be responsible for your happiness and you cannot be responsible for thiers. But, if you are in a great relationship , if you find what makes you really happy, it cannot help but make your relationship happier too.  Maybe it will inspire them to find what they want to do as well.

I am blessed to have a husband who encourages me to try new things and always supports my efforts and I do the same for him.  I cannot wait to have this discussion with him but unfortunately he is in bed sick , and sound asleep !! I think it is a wonderful discussion for everyone to have with thier partners or spouse, or friends or both  .

Now it will not be easy. It will take work. But at least we know WHY we are doing it. I want to have an exciting and fun life and be able to enjoy the many years ahead of me now that our kids are grown and out on thier own. It is our time to explore our relationship  as well, and really build a new one. We are not Mommy and Daddy anymore, but Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa.  We can now , for the first time ever in 30 years, put ourselves first !! How wonderful !!

But while my husband  has a job and skills he has built over these past 3o years, I have been home with our kids and grandkids. So, now I have to step out of my safe little box and find out what I want to do. I have to really figure out what it is I am passionate about, what I can  see myself doing for the next half of my life and what I can build my new goals around.Yes, I did say the next half of my life. I am only 51 and only consider myself  only half way through my life , and it will be a great second half !!

It will not be an overnight thing. I will  have to dig and explore and figure it out. But now I do know I want to have the best years ahead of me, which means they will be pretty damn good. I have had a great life so far. Amazing husband, wonderful kids who have given us wonderful families to love in our in law kids and grand kids. 

The bar has been set pretty high, but I am worth it and life is worth it. I want to be busy and happy and fullfilled each day. I want to get out of bed excited about my day and  looking foward to what I am going to try today.

So, if you want it, the best is yet to be, and you can have the life of your dreams, it is NOT all over for you.  You just have to want it bad enough !!!  If you believe in yourself, you can make the second half even better then the first !! It is all up to you !!!!

What to do with me ?

Lately I have really been struggling with what I want to do. I feel a bit overwelmed at times and want to do everything and end up doing nothing.

I thought in my fifties kids would be beh ind me and I would be concentrating on what I want to do and be but I find I am taking care of kids f ull time again and it is making hard for me to know what it is I really want for me. I guess the s itting distracts me from spending time thinking about what I want.  

I am grateful I have the kids to watch, they are here in Texas and not in Calif. I would have wanted them to move here even knowing how much it would mean in changing my life and how much I would have to give up. but I cannot live in limbo until they are on thier own, it could be as much as another year, or as little as six months, I am not sure, but I am sure of the fact I have to figure this out. I would not change things, I would do it all over again, I just wish I had been more prepared.

I enjoy writing but when I am sitting it is impossible becuase four year olds need you every ten minutes it seems, lol ! This makes concentrating on what you are doing, very difficult. Even on my days off, I find myself sitting more times than not for at least a few hours between the  grand kids. I know once both the Daddies are home that will free up a lot more of my time, but that is a few months away and for now, I am the only one can can help our girls.

I do not really mind, but I do know it makes it very hard to figure out what I want to do.

I love to write, I love to make jewelry, I love to take photos, and I used to really enjoy drawing . i Have a ton of art supplies so I know deep inside I want to draw again.  I have my locker hooking, my crocheting and my felt work and my angels, my fimo clay and denim paper,  so many things to do.

I cannot seem to get our room organized and I think that is a big part of my problem. I never really feel like anything is put away and it makes it very hard to be creative. I do not mind creative mess, but it seems I have papers and things that need homes and there is no room.

I have found menopause has made this even more difficult with weeks that leave me so tired and wiped out with no motivation to do anything and that makes me even more frustrated.

So, I have to figure out how to balance things. Get organized for one. Find time for excercise and time to do all the t hings I love to do and enjoy doing them. I spend much too much time in front of this computer doing nothing of value and watching tv. I have started reading again, which is good, and bad, bad because it is another way to escape from doing something creative and productive in my day. Escape reading is something I have done all my life at times.

So, I guess that is what I need to do, figure out how to get organized first and then go from there. I seem to move the same piles around the room and I am really tired of it. Being a lifetime ADD  it seems that papers are my biggest issue. If they do not have a clear place to live I struggle with them. I probably need to throw more of them away !!

anyway, just needed to vent. I am very frustrated with myself lately. I actually have a lot more self confidence then I ever have before, and even though my weight issues are still with me and pretty bad, my self worth is getting better, I am accepting myself for who I am, and not how I look but this disorganization and inable to focus on what I want to do, frustrates the heck out of me !! I want to be the best I can be, and I suppose just do not know where to start !!  I know the weight and clutter are tied too, so I need to make them both a priority or niether one will ever get solved.

Well, I guess I am going to grab that pile of stuff and be ruthless and see if I can take care of the clutter and go from there.  I want to really start being creative in whatever ways I feel like each day, and I think the clutter is  number one in keeping me from that. Tackling it will be hard, but in honesty, it is only a couple of piles of papers and a pile of stuff, certainly I can get a handle on that !! It does not sound like much but when you have a bedroom that is your bedroom, office, jewelry and craft studio and storage area, add a small fridge and a tv , it is a lot in a tiny room.  it is a big c hallenge for sure to do all this stuff in one tiny room !!

Well, that is all I wanted to do, to think out loud and vent a bit. I will post pictures of our clean room when I get done !! Now it is time to focus !!!