Getting motivated and getting a plan

We have some wonderful new neighbors at our new house and truely feel we won the neighbor lotto as everyone we have  met on our street is just wonderful !! One family next to us is having some pretty exciting opportunities come thier way  and it is so fun to watch thier dreams coming true . My best girl friend Laurie just got her LVN license, and is on the path to being an RN   which is her dream come true, all of our kids  and thier spouses are starting to really  find thier paths and are doing well, which is so wonderfu land I am so excited to see these wonderful people having great things happen !!!

It made me realize that I am not content just watching them reach thier dreams and have wonderful things happen, I want to have wonderful things happen in my life !!

I have a great life. To borrow a line from a fellow Blogger I folllow, The Dancing professer, I have a dreamy life !! I have a truely wonderful husband who supports anything I want to do. He is not at all upset with me when I have a fun day instead of washing laundry , even if he is really short on socks,  and is truely happy that I had a good day and will throw in a load himself , no compaining, although I really try hard to make sure he has what he needs each day . We honestly love each other and enjoy each others company and after almost 32 years of marriage are really happy together in our marriage and are each others best  friends as well as married.  We share four truely amazing kids and three of them are now married and their spouses  are all like our own kids, we love them so much and they have given us eight grandkids, which are such a blessing !!

Blessings all, and I am so grateful every day for each and every one of those precious beings in my life !!

I have also been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. Some here in person, some friends I have had for life that live in other states as either I  or both of us,  have moved from  where we all knew each other. I have wonderful blogger friends and friends on facebook I have never met. Each one is a blessing and a gift in my life. I enjoy reading the blogs and talking on the phone and keeping up with all these wonderful people.

I have done what I was supposed to do. With considerable help from my hubby  we have raised our four kids to be wonderful and interesting adults that I would want to know even if they were not our kids. We are so proud of them all.

Now, it is my time. I do not want to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines cheering everyone on with no one cheering me. I want to have goals and work hard to make my own celebrations !! Life is so amazing and there are so many wonderful people and places and things to do,  and I want David and I to be able to see the world and meet interesting people and have some fun and interesting experiences !!!

So, it is time for me to start making more plans and then start making them happen.   Both for my personal future, what I want to be now that our  kids are grown up, and for us to make plans for us as a couple now that we do not have to make our plans around kids any longer. And also help my husband with his own plans, give him support to think about what he wants to do. He has supported us our entire marriage and never really give much thought to what woudl make him happy career wise, versus just bringing home money for the family. I want him to be happy every day with what he does , not just have to endure a job the next twenty years. HE works hard in his currrent job, makes good money but it is not his passion, although he is very good at what he does.

MY biggest problem is I am so scattered. I love to do too many things and need to focus on one  or at most two.

I love to write, draw, bead, take pictures, do all kinds of crafts, read, talk on the phone, visit with friends, go to yard sales and thrift shops, although those last few really are not career goals, although the yard sales and thrift stores could be part of a goal.

I have been working on a book for years, time to finish it and figure out what i am going to do with it  publishing wise.

I am also working hard to get off about half my body weight and that is very distracting as well. Going slow, but when you have a metabolism problem, which the endrocinologist said I do, It will just take longer but will happen in time.

So, the big questions is what do I want to do the most ??  I really do not know !!!!

We recently moved into a new(old) house and it is taking so much time to get settled in. I am finally going to have a proper work area in the living room and once that is all done and every thing I own is put away, I know I will be a bit more focused .

Did I mention I also have ADHD from childhood ?  I am constantly having to keep myself on track as I can be distracted off anything I am doing so easily.

They say to figure out what you loved to do as a child to find your true calling. I loved to do kid stuff. Run, jump, play kickball, play with my little animal toys,and for a while Barbies, draw, play with clay, paint, , color, sing, talk and spend time with my friends and play make believe games. Pretty average child stuff. Nothing that really steers me toward a dream or goal.  Kind of the same stuff I love today, except for the Barbies and animal toys, make believe ,  and the  running and jumping thing. But that is not the point !!!  I suppose some make believe in our lives would not be a bad thing, day dreaming is so important and that is what we do as kids, but we act it out !!  I had noticed lately I do not day dream as much as I used to and I do not like that !!

That is what made me start this blog, and I had every intention of writing here often and working hard to figure me out , but then life  just got in the way. It become an occasional thing. But seeing all the happy news around me, and watching the people I like and care about having such fun times and seeing so many dreams starting to come true, it really has  hit me that I have to start moving toward some goals.

I sit in my house way too much. I am living through others, way too much. I deserve, as everyone does, to have dreams and goals and celebrations of my own.

We get married, we have a shower, or showers, the wedding, and that fun time of getting used to being married. Then you have the babies and those showers and then pretty much after that, if you do not keep your personal goals alive, everything is for the kids. Their first day of school. Their graduations and big birthdays, one , ten, sixteen, and  you kind of push your stuff to the back. We did not have a big 25 th wedding anniversary party and that is a shame. We should have. I did not have a big 50th birthday, nor did my husband, we should have.

What is life, if not for celebrating ??

So, I am going to work harder, as I navigate life stuff, setting up this house, babysitting grand kids and celebrating everyone’s goals reached and dreams coming true, and get some goals of my own.

I know some things I want to accomplish.

1 lose the weight that as Oprah put it, is mud in my wings. I do believe that. I am not as bubbly and outgoing as I used to be when I felt pretty and had a thin more agile body. Although still outgoing and friendly, I am less  willing to put myself out there than I used to be.

2, finish my book and get it published and out there.

3. Get my jewelry business profitable. I am very , very proud of the quality of my pieces. I know they are good quality and worth what I ask. I just have to figure out how to get my pieces  promoted better. I am working on it, by  sponsoring a very cute and lovely  blog, showing my items on another  wonderful blog. website,  and putting them on Etsy .com.  Those links, if not on this blog to the right, are on my beading blog, which is on the right.

4. Get our debt paid off so that David has some options. Once we are debt free, except for our houses, they will be ongoing for a while, then we have more options open for doing some of the t hings we are passionate about . Real estate, we have dreamed of owning rental property and finally have one house rented and one we live in. Also , we would love to open a store and rent out booths to crafters and antique dealers. That has been a dream for honestly most of our marriage. We have rented booths and tried that way, but that is not the way to do it. Have others pay the rent and you can sell your stuff with no rental, trying to pay the rent on a booth leaves it harder to make that profit !!  We have to be debt free and maybe willing to live above  that business for a while to get it off the ground, so more things to work towards. This would be a purchased building, so the mortgage and business could be one for a while.

A good start.  Much work to do.

I will work hard on becoming focused. Something my ADHD brain has issues with at times !!!

Thanks for stopping in, I will share as I go !!!

 

some pictures I took in our back yard the other day, great new camera !!! Took a lot more, but will just share a few !!

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I lost myself , what have I become ?

I started this blog because I felt I had lost who I was and wanted to find myself. It was time to be me. I realized today I had gotten away from that journey and it was affecting me.

Today a woman who is struggling with some issues in her life, commented that she needed to get her life back, that she had lost herself in raising her kids and felt she had gotten boring. I assure you this woman is far from boring, but I got her point. I told her this is something many stay at home moms suffer from, in all age groups.  We lose ourselves somehow when we devote ourselves to being great mommies and we wake up one day, at 30, 40 or even 50 like I was and wonder what in the heck happened to us ? It made me start thinking about how I got here, and what caused me to lose who I am ?

We adore our kids, we are told they come first and we put them first. For me, I woke up later in life, and met a fat, on the edge of unhealthy, totally lost version of myself. Who is this woman that looks back at me in the mirror ? That cannot possibly be me. Ah, but it is.

How sad, that the one treasure in our life, our precious kids,they are such a wonderful gift,  are also the one thing that bring us down as the creative , inventive, curious, fun loving women we could be . In our love for them, we lose some of our love for ourselves. Many women learn to hate the woman they have become, which is especially sad. We are all loveable, even in our scattered, lost state, we deserve to love ourselves, and each other. We deserve to be loved by our families. We are lost , perhaps, but not worthless or unloveable. Many times the weight is from metabolic changes caused by childbirth, yet women blame themselves. Yes we are partly to blame, but it happens so slowly while we make sure our kids have what they need.  Weight goes on slowly and one day, like the frog in the frying pan, that when the heat is slowly raised, does not sense it and boils to death, which by the way is a myth I read, but a good way to describe what happens. You just do not see the weight adding up. It really is a shock when you see that video or photo of you, and you say, oh my gosh, who IS that woman , Me ???

We are told, we cannot have it all and do it all well. Why not ? Men have for centuries. They could have a fullfilling career, fame, fortune, or just a great job they love, making good money and then come home and spend the weekends playing with the kids and enjoying having it all. They feel no remorse over housework not done. They do not worry about the laundry. Women on the other hand, tend to take it all on. They work, come home,  do the housework and cook and do laundry while the husband in many cases  has been playing with the kids, or watching tv, but many times when he does offer help, the woman says No, I’ve got it. Guilt is a terrible thing.  I do not think, a lot of the time,  that the men do not want to help, they just do not agonize over it like women do. When they do offer a few times and are told no, many times they stop offering. The women starts to feel she has no help, but she has actually caused it by not letting him help. NOT ALL WOMEN DO THIS, and not all men help either. But I have seen it again and again over time. Or if he helps, she gets mad that he did not do it right and re does it. I am embarrassed to say I have been guilty of that a time or two as I have a wonderful husband who was always willing to help. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped it. I appreciated the help he was giving and took it the way he did it. It was not wrong, just not MY way. Sometimes things can be done HIS way and they are just fine.

Some women are married or partnered with a man who does not feel he should have to help. I like to think this happens less as time goes on, but it still happens. The women is expected to cook, clean, take care of kids, and maybe even work outside the home as well.  That kind of situation makes it much worse and the result is a complete loss of identity sometimes because they just do what is expected of them with no thought of what they want.

No matter how it happens, somehow, many women lose the sense of who they are. What they enjoyed , things they were interested in. The spark goes out  and they feel let down by life. They do not even realize why they are so unhappy. They just feel guilt all the time, no matter what they do and feel a sense of something missing. When you are home everyday, no adult conversations, cleaning up kids messes and not doing anything you love, you lose more of yourself each day.

Many Dads do not feel guilty for working. It is what they have to do for their families. They go to work to get a check to pay the bills. But many women feel such guilt when they work. They feel they have to make it up when they get home, being supermom,  and they burn out fast.

Cooking, cleaning, soccer practice, they work all day, come home, and work until they drop in bed at night. It never seems to end. No down time, no time to be themselves, over time, they just disappear . They may even look the same,  but they are not the same inside.

I wish as a whole, that  society would support moms more. Women can be meanest to other women. Stay at home moms criticize working moms, working moms criticize stay at home moms. Why can’t we just support each other as women and help each other to be the best we can be no matter if we stay home to raise our kids, or go out in the world and pursue a job or career ? We do not need to put other women down to justify our choices. Many choices can be good ones, you have to pick the best one for you !!

It is time for women to realize thier value. To give themselves permission to find themselves. To ask their spouses to support their journey to find themselves. They will benefit from this discovery as well.

We fall in love with our spouse and some people wake up one day and do not like who they are looking at. But I believe we all take some responsibility in our spouses changing in ways maybe we might not like. Did we encourage them to follow thier dreams, or to even have dreams ? Did they ask them how they are feeling, or what they want to do with their lives outside of their parenting roles. Men and women , we need to do this. Lets be clear,  men can go through this as well, but women seem to really have a corner on losing themselves. It is just as tragic when men lose themselves, but it seems more common with women. I could be wrong, but that is my experience !!

So, we have to give ourselves permission to be happy. We have to love ourselves just the way we are. Fat , thin, young old, it does not matter. We are worthy of being  loved and cherished and we are worthy of finding out what makes us happy.

Reba McEntire has a song that says it all, Is there life out there ? I love the lyrics to this song. A woman talks about how she longs to see what is out there in the world, she does not want to leave her family, just wants to find herself.  This song really speaks to me.

I started on this journey to find myself and got lost again and let this blog just sit here , unused. . Life happens and we just sort of let go of the search and let life pull us along.

No more.

I decided that I am going to work on me.

Exercise, eat better, no drastic food changes, but small positive ones.  I am lucky, my husband is on this same wavelength, so we are doing this together.

pay off debt, a goal with my hubby, we want to be debt free to open door for us to things we would like to do.

I am blogging and praying and meditating to find myself.  I am not sure who I am anymore. I am being kind to myself. I have a lot of weight to lose and I refuse to call myself names or put myself down. I would never talk to someone I loved like that, why would I talk to myself that way. Yet I hear women call them selves horrible names all the time. I do refer to myself as fat, but as a descriptive word, not as an insult. Saying I am fluffy is not going to give me incentive to lose weight. Stating the fact I am overweight, or fat, puts the fact out there and helps to push me.

So, I know this was a rambling post but I just feel so strongly that something needs to be done for women. We should be able to raise our kids, and not lose ourselves in the process.

If the woman I mentioned at the start of this happens to read this, then thank you, you got me thinking about my own journey again. I have been feeling a bit lost and now I can start to work on finding myself again. That is the worst part, when you lose yourself and forget the journey you started to find yourself. Life can take back over in a second, we have to be diligent, but we can be happy, we can be fulfilled, we can be interesting and are probably more interesting then we realize,  we just have to get out of our own way !!

We can be moms and can love our kids, and give them a lot, but we have to give to ourselves too.

I have always heard when you are on a plane the instructions are, in an emergency, put the mask on yourself first, make sure you have air, so that you can save your kids. this is the same thing. When we are interested in life. When we enjoy our life, when we are happy, the kids benefit.

We have to put ourselves and our relationships with our spouses first , the kids need us to do that. We have to give ourselves that oxygen first. Then, and only then, we can take care of them . They will be better people if we show them an example of a happy fulfilled mom. What a great gift to give our kids. To show them how to live well and keep themselves intact while they raise a family. It is hard to do, but we can do it. I am praying we can see the next generation coming up not suffer from this.

It is never to late to find ourselves. We need to be a shining example to other women.

So, I start, and will take it , one day at a time, on breath at a time, and I will get there, and the discovery of who I am will be all the more precious for the journey I have been on !!
Thanks for bearing with me, but I feel so passionate about this, I appreciate you stopping by and would love to hear your input. I do not claim to know it all, just know how I feel. I would love to hear how other women deal with this, and the men who love them. So, comment away, I would love to hear from you !!

I have to admit I am a bit bored right now and other ramblings …..

I am dealing with some boredom issues lately and that is not like me. I have tons of books, but just cannot settle down to read. I was working on my etsy store, but with only three sales in a month with 300 views I am a bit reluctant to spend much more on listing if I am not selling anything. I am just not able to figure out why ? I seem to be blocked no matter what I do. Someone will ask for my card, they want to buy something and then I never hear from them. I even tried to show pictures one day and my iphone refused to pull up my etsy account, it is really weird. So, I am a bit lost now that that huge project is on hold. I have so much to list, hundreds of items and had planned on working on that every week, but now, with that packed away for now, I am at a total loss and I am also bored stupid !

It is the first time since I became a mom at 20, that my life is my own.  I am 52 years old. I do not have to work around kids, or grandkids schedules and that is just weird. I think I am just finding my place right now. My husband is at work and I am  home all day without a car, so that makes it a bit hard sometimes, but I am doing okay , why in the heck did my font change, I kept trying to go back and start typing over, but it changed anyway, weird !!

I am just taking it a day at a time, trying to figure out how to lose weight, I am really sick of being huge and just want to get this weight off but it is really not happening. Just finished an eight week stint on low carb with zero results. I had one cheat meal at day ten because my hubby was starting with me the next day. We followed the diet by the book, and neither of us lost a bit over the next almost seven weeks, so we are going to try something else. It is such a hard diet to be on, so we will find something not quite so impossible to do long term.

We have four of our  grandkids coming over this weekend, my husbands exact words when I told him the second two were coming was, are you crazy ? lol. I told him no, they will entertain each other and they are all old enough it will be fine. I am very exicted about it and I think he is too !! Four kids, no more pool, too cold and it will be a very cold weekend, so it will be interesting !! I know McDonaldsa indoor playground will be a key player in the weekend plans !!

Anyway. Just in a rambling kind of mood. I will seee if I can post a picture of the park, not sure I can post chihully on the blog, but I can post pictures of the actual park.

To change the subject, the Chihuly exhibit has been extended at the Dallas arboretum until the end of the year and we are both very excited about that. we are so in love with that exhibit and the arboretum itself, we are going to buy a season pass and enjoy it as many times as we can before it is gone in nine or ten weeks !! We both love to take pictures and was that an amazing exhibit !!

I just cannot get my computer to download the picures, it took ten minutes to get the one of the tree.

Okay, well, I am off to find something to do, not sure what, but I am just in that kind of mood tonight !!!

time to be me, getting started finally

I have not posted in a bit, and I have to admit I have not really been doing much of importance lately. I have been getting settled and getting used to my new life, which is very differant from the life I have led for the last 30 years.

I love the apartment. That in itself shocks me. I was kind of afraid I would not adjust well to apartment life, but having a one car garage with our own private stair case that is part of the apartment/ garage, helps a lot. We never use the front door at all. I could put a large potted plant in front of it, lol !! I love that we have t hree doors. A front door, a back door to the garage and a patio door onto our balcony. I love the view. As I sit here typing I feel like I am in a tree house. I look out over a creek and all I see sitting here are the tops of the trees that are at my level. Wonderful. Quiet, serene even. A nice , lovely, homey ,pretty, and comfortable place to figure out who I want to be.

My life has been defined pretty much from the start. Daughter, sister. Than mother, wife, and aunt. Always friend.  But who am I ? I have spent so many years worrying about others, every mom does, but in all that caring and worry over others I feel I got lost in the shuffle somewhere.

I read once to find yourself as an adult, remember what you loved doing as a kid.

I loved to chase butterflies, and catch the millers on the lantana bushes and  catcth grasshoppers and  play kickball in the front yard, but somehow think that is not what they are talking about !!

I always loved art. I remember one time using my moms beautiful book on birds, that had lovely illustration and spending hours copying some of those birds painstakingly with contruction paper.  I loved to draw and color and sing and make up songs. I was always a creative child.

As a teen, I wrote a lot of poems, some short stories and drew a lot. I loved music and dancing and again, was always creative.

How do we lose that side of us ? I got married, our oldest son was at our wedding so I never got a chance to just be a wife, I was mom and wife. I worked the first year and a half until our second child was born and then I had two to take care of and money from the job would not cover day care, so that is when I became a stay at home mom. Nineteen months later came number three and about four years later number four, and I was a  busy mommy !! I did not have time or money for creativity anymore. I was busy all day and could not seem to find the time to write or draw. It slowly got put away.

As they got older I tried with my jewelry but I could never find a good balance. If I created, the house work did not get done, or the house was clean and I did not create, it was a hard line to learn and I never really did figure it out.

Now, my time is my own. My husband is finally on a five day work week  , m -f, so I have all the time I need and the only messes are ours so they are not much to clean up after.  Perfect, time to create again, but I just do not know how to get started !!

So, that is where I sit today. Trying to figure out not only what to create, but when and how. I am still playing with the beads, I love them even if they have not been a good business, but I want to get back to my basics, writing and drawing. I figured posting this is a start !!

I am going to have to take baby steps. I have added new interests over the years, one of them photography which I love.  All I know is creativity makes life worth living.  I am tired of watching tv and seeing other people live, or reading  tons of b logs about other people doing fun things, I still want to watch those shows and read those blogs, I love them, but I want to start  having some fun experiences too !!

We have been here almost three months, time to get moving. That is the plan. I guess like the old saying goes, I will take it one day at a time and see what I come up with. I will try to do something every day, even if it is small and post it here.

Now, gotta think what I want to do first, lol, do not know where to start, but I guess it is time to just jump in and get wet !! I will have to figure it out as I go !!

So, today, this blog post,  and tomorrow I will do something and get myself creating. It is a start and the one thing I do know, is once you start creating, you get the wheel rolling and it gets easier to create , the more  you create !!

So, on to finding me, that has been my goal all along. Just harder than I thought it would be !!

Pumpkins and kids

Today was a fun day. Our oldest daughter and I  headed out to purchase the items needed to finish our  ten year old Grand daughters  costume, a medival princess dress made for her mother, our oldest daughter,  seventeen years ago by my mother in law.

While walking through Walmart  Emilys  three year old brother, our youngest grandson, noticed a pumpkin blanket. He is obsessed with all things pumpkin, even being a pumpkin for Halloween this year, so what was a Grandma to do, I got the blanket and matching pillow for him, he was thrilled, ten dollars well spent.

After hitting a shoe store for the rest of our needed items, shoes and stockings for Emily , and where Ayden scored some Cars shoes, and the matching cardboard box , which was every bit as exciting as the shoes, we came home and Mommy  assembled the costume.

I had some time to eat lunch and budget and then it was time to take the kids down town to trick or treat. Our old town has a historic downtown area where for Halloween the stores  hand out candy to all the  area kids that turn out for the event . They got some candy and Grandma got a walk she needed badly and we came home.

After passing a yard sale on the way home, Emily and I got in the car and went back and found some wonderful treasures, things a ten year old girl and fifty year old woman  can just find fascinating when yard sale shopping together. We went on a hunt for a few more pumpkins and then bought a couple dozen burritos and tacos and came home , ate , and then proceeded to gut , design on and cut seven pumpkins into jack o laterns. I am the family photographer, which meant my hands stayed clean, and sadly also meant I am not in a single picture. I think I will start turning the camera on myself just to prove I am there !! It was a crazy fun evening and we are all worn out but have seven pieces of Halloween  art to show for it !!

Now, everyone is in bed, and I am getting ready to deal with seven pumpkins worth of guts, as I want to bake the seeds , one of my favorate traditions of Halloween.

So, that was my day. Just a fun day of pumpkins and kids, both grown and grand, but kids the same. A wonderful , happy , Halloweenish day !!!