Perspective on Life

I am , and always have been, and always will be a work in progress. Sometimes I wish my progress would go a bit faster, but such is personal development and growth.

A YouTube creator I enjoy watching blogged today that she is walking away from her channel and Patreon to be happy. She actually makes money from both of them and realized the money was not worth all the negatives. I think it takes a brave and instinctive person to walk away from sources of income, absolutely certain they are doing the right thing. As much as I will miss her content, I think she is smart to put her focus on what is important to her, and those things take time away from her husband, kids, home and pets, and that is just not acceptable to her any longer.

I have struggled with my channel for a while now. I do not make money on it, and probably will . Oh, maybe if I am willing to put in hours of work a week to get out many videos I could grow it a bit, maybe make a few bucks, but like the above mentioned creator, it is not worth it to me. Not that channel at least. I had a vision of what I wanted to create and what I have is not it. I have lovely subscribers and I will not close up the channel at this point. But, I have made the decision that I will not push myself anymore to do more than I feel I can do. If I do a video a week, a video twice a week, a video a month, than that is what I will do. On the other hand, if I feel like doing three videos one week, I will do that. I will only do what makes me happy and if the day comes I am unhappy with the channel I will walk away . Right now, I do enjoy it on my own terms. That is how I will keep it. 

I have missed blogging. that was my true joy. I know in my heart I am a writer first, than an artist,and after that a crafter/ maker. Words are my favorite way to craft, but once we had kids, it got harder to find the quiet and peace to create with words and that is when I started crocheting, making jewelry and then slowly started working with the seed beads, sequins and felt. I found it relaxing and enjoyable to create in these ways when time for words was just not available. We did not have computers back then, we finally got our first computer when our oldest child was 16.That was 1996. We still had three other kids , 13, 11, and 7 years old along with the 16 year old at home. Life was extremely busy at that time. Blogging was not really heard of at that time. I believe I finally started my blogging , this blog in fact,  around 2008 or so.Well after our kids were grown and we had moved from California to Texas. I have a few different blogs and I have always loved it, but again, time , and family, and just life , got in my way and I went back into jewelry and making stuff. Unfortunately being a bit unhappy at times, love my life, just unhappy with myself and weight, and goals unreached and different things, I found I collected supplies more than I crafted or created. Now I am faced with a mountain of stuff to rehome . I want to sell it all to put the money I spent on it in the bank for our future. I am a bit overwelmed but as a friend reminded me, time is flying by, so I had better get started now so I can reach some goals I want to reach. I cannot afford to sit around and wring my hands and wonder where to start. I just have to jump in and get going . I have an Etsy shop, I have an Ebay shop. Both I have sold on for many years. 

With everything going on in the world, life is a bit weird and uncertain right now. Things we used to do for fun, we really can’t, or are uncomfortable doing, ie, yard sales, thrift shops, antique shops, flea markets, are all either unavailable, or just not something we are comfortable doing any more. No Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and so on either. Just walking leisurely through a grocery store is not an option any longer. We do curbside pick up or get in and get out. I know there are people on both sides, but I am on the side of caution. So, this is life right now. I am finding I am okay with it. Looking forward to normal again, but also aware we may actual enter a new normal and things may never go back to where they were before. 

There is a lot of beauty and wonder being at home. Being appreciative of what you have and enjoying your home and time together. My husband and I have always been each others best friend as well as spouses so we get along really well and other than normal small spats from time to time , usually when one or both of us are tired, we live a pretty happy, peaceful and very good life. BUT, clutter is our biggest issue. We need to purge and clean out and just sell all the stuff that is not bringing any joy or happiness into our lives. All those years of yard sales and so on, we found amazing things, but never learned the art of bringing in, and letting something else go.

So, now I sit in a room , my studio , and look around at so much stuff I have ,some of it in our main hallway. That is crazy. So purge I must and just let go of most of it unless I truely love it and want to use it. I can say about 80 percent of this room can go based on that criteria !!! That is my goal. 

Balance has never been a talent of mine. It is something I need to work on. Right now I have about three loads of laundry to get done, a kitchen that needs about an hour of work to get spotless, need to detail our master bath but I do keep it in pretty good shape overall. We need to purge our bedroom, it is ridiculous how much stuff we have piled in one corner, it has to go. Some just has to be put away, probably most falls under that category, but some needs to go.

Still, I came in here to write. Just reading the blog from the YouTube creator this morning that is walking away from her channel and patreon made me really think about what I love to do. I need to do more of that. So, here I am .

I have no answers to share. I can just share the journey. So, here we go.

Thanks for stopping by !!

Stephie

Looking ahead to a good year

I was shocked to see that almost a full year has passed since I posted on this blog . It has been a busy year, and one that seemed to everyone I talked to, to fly by. I cannot believe it is three weeks into the new year. I hope this year will slow down just a bit. I do not want this one to fly by as fast as last year did.

A lot has changed since last year, and a lot has NOT changed since last year. Our  youngest daughter and her family moved out and now her little brother is moving in. Some things I could not pull off for our daughter before she moved in, we can pull off for him. We removed some ancient disgusting carpet from the living room. Our daughter had removed the same carpet from the room her girls, our three grandaughters used and refinished the floors so they were clean , pretty , and sanitary . However, with them out, we decided to do new carpet in that room, the front living room they, and now he will  use, and the main hall that connects all the rooms in the front of the house as well. Now that carpet is installed, and even though we have to paint what will be his bedroom, he is moving in tomorrow. He  just wants out of the apartment he has been in since he moved out to let them move in after our son in law was in a horrific car accident and needed to recover. He really was not ready to move out and is happy to move back in so he can get his savings where he wants them, get a new car and just get where he wants to before he moves out for good.

So, we have been working on the house. Kitchen major reno ongoing, both baths mini renos .Moving my studio  back into the front bedroom I was in, that I moved out of to give our daughter and son in law a bedroom. My hubby and I have been sharing a much smaller and dark room , as both our studios for the last almost year and a half, so I am thrilled to be back home in my big bright, front bedroom again.HE is thrilled to have that one to himself.  I am still getting set up, and so is he ,but at least I am in this lovely space. Our son only needs one bedroom, so he took the one the girls had been in and he will use the big front living room, we have the smaller family room off the kitchen for our living space, and our master suite is off that family room so it gives us separation , other than during the day if I am in my studio. But evenings he and his friends can take advantage of the dining table I have in here as a work space as I am rarely in here after about five or six at night.

As for personally, I am working on getting healthier. My doc gave me three months to try diet and exercise to lower my blood pressure, blood sugar , and mainly my cholesterol. The other two are okay, not dangerous but they were often on the cusp, but my cholesterol was bad.

So, my wonderful cousin and dear friend, gave me a fitbit and is dieting with me. She is a nurse practitioner so she is staying on top of me from Calif. We talk weekly. She is working on her diet too and she keeps me on track. My husband is on the same diet with me and that helps a lot. He also has a lot of weight to lose. His cholesterol is not as bad as mine, but still needs to come down a bit too.

I started my plan on January 2 , and have had a few bad choices, but overall I have done great, so has my hubby. I started my daily walk today. 30 minutes. I have to do that every day , per docs orders, but just took time to get the food right first. Now, food is good, and I am adding the 30 minutes a day walking in the house. I will eventually get back to a gym, but for now, this will work !!! My fitbit got very excited, lol !!!

So, this year, clearing out inventory in my studio . Keeping the stuff I love, but selling all my old stock, and inventory of old stuff I made ,  along with a good amount of my  materials. I want to do art this year, writing this year ,and the  bead work that I love to do , so it is time for all the rest to go away and put some money back in our accounts !! I have a lovely , creative room, and now I have a lot of work ahead as I clear out and add stuff to my Etsy shop.

clear out old inventory and materials from my studio and make some money doing it

publish a book I have been working on with my husband for ten years

get our front porch all gingerbreaded out with paint and looking like new

get in shape and lose a lot of weight

get my numbers down and keep them down so I do not have to go on any meds

get back to reading again. I have a lovely stack of books I picked up last year, but never seem to find the time to read. I want to change that.

So, I am excited about my goals for the year. We have some fun plans in the work for the year, and some great family stuff coming up, weddings and a baby. So, it looks like a fun year ahead, and a lot of work as well which I am excited to do.

Thanks for stopping by,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting motivated and getting a plan

We have some wonderful new neighbors at our new house and truely feel we won the neighbor lotto as everyone we have  met on our street is just wonderful !! One family next to us is having some pretty exciting opportunities come thier way  and it is so fun to watch thier dreams coming true . My best girl friend Laurie just got her LVN license, and is on the path to being an RN   which is her dream come true, all of our kids  and thier spouses are starting to really  find thier paths and are doing well, which is so wonderfu land I am so excited to see these wonderful people having great things happen !!!

It made me realize that I am not content just watching them reach thier dreams and have wonderful things happen, I want to have wonderful things happen in my life !!

I have a great life. To borrow a line from a fellow Blogger I folllow, The Dancing professer, I have a dreamy life !! I have a truely wonderful husband who supports anything I want to do. He is not at all upset with me when I have a fun day instead of washing laundry , even if he is really short on socks,  and is truely happy that I had a good day and will throw in a load himself , no compaining, although I really try hard to make sure he has what he needs each day . We honestly love each other and enjoy each others company and after almost 32 years of marriage are really happy together in our marriage and are each others best  friends as well as married.  We share four truely amazing kids and three of them are now married and their spouses  are all like our own kids, we love them so much and they have given us eight grandkids, which are such a blessing !!

Blessings all, and I am so grateful every day for each and every one of those precious beings in my life !!

I have also been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. Some here in person, some friends I have had for life that live in other states as either I  or both of us,  have moved from  where we all knew each other. I have wonderful blogger friends and friends on facebook I have never met. Each one is a blessing and a gift in my life. I enjoy reading the blogs and talking on the phone and keeping up with all these wonderful people.

I have done what I was supposed to do. With considerable help from my hubby  we have raised our four kids to be wonderful and interesting adults that I would want to know even if they were not our kids. We are so proud of them all.

Now, it is my time. I do not want to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines cheering everyone on with no one cheering me. I want to have goals and work hard to make my own celebrations !! Life is so amazing and there are so many wonderful people and places and things to do,  and I want David and I to be able to see the world and meet interesting people and have some fun and interesting experiences !!!

So, it is time for me to start making more plans and then start making them happen.   Both for my personal future, what I want to be now that our  kids are grown up, and for us to make plans for us as a couple now that we do not have to make our plans around kids any longer. And also help my husband with his own plans, give him support to think about what he wants to do. He has supported us our entire marriage and never really give much thought to what woudl make him happy career wise, versus just bringing home money for the family. I want him to be happy every day with what he does , not just have to endure a job the next twenty years. HE works hard in his currrent job, makes good money but it is not his passion, although he is very good at what he does.

MY biggest problem is I am so scattered. I love to do too many things and need to focus on one  or at most two.

I love to write, draw, bead, take pictures, do all kinds of crafts, read, talk on the phone, visit with friends, go to yard sales and thrift shops, although those last few really are not career goals, although the yard sales and thrift stores could be part of a goal.

I have been working on a book for years, time to finish it and figure out what i am going to do with it  publishing wise.

I am also working hard to get off about half my body weight and that is very distracting as well. Going slow, but when you have a metabolism problem, which the endrocinologist said I do, It will just take longer but will happen in time.

So, the big questions is what do I want to do the most ??  I really do not know !!!!

We recently moved into a new(old) house and it is taking so much time to get settled in. I am finally going to have a proper work area in the living room and once that is all done and every thing I own is put away, I know I will be a bit more focused .

Did I mention I also have ADHD from childhood ?  I am constantly having to keep myself on track as I can be distracted off anything I am doing so easily.

They say to figure out what you loved to do as a child to find your true calling. I loved to do kid stuff. Run, jump, play kickball, play with my little animal toys,and for a while Barbies, draw, play with clay, paint, , color, sing, talk and spend time with my friends and play make believe games. Pretty average child stuff. Nothing that really steers me toward a dream or goal.  Kind of the same stuff I love today, except for the Barbies and animal toys, make believe ,  and the  running and jumping thing. But that is not the point !!!  I suppose some make believe in our lives would not be a bad thing, day dreaming is so important and that is what we do as kids, but we act it out !!  I had noticed lately I do not day dream as much as I used to and I do not like that !!

That is what made me start this blog, and I had every intention of writing here often and working hard to figure me out , but then life  just got in the way. It become an occasional thing. But seeing all the happy news around me, and watching the people I like and care about having such fun times and seeing so many dreams starting to come true, it really has  hit me that I have to start moving toward some goals.

I sit in my house way too much. I am living through others, way too much. I deserve, as everyone does, to have dreams and goals and celebrations of my own.

We get married, we have a shower, or showers, the wedding, and that fun time of getting used to being married. Then you have the babies and those showers and then pretty much after that, if you do not keep your personal goals alive, everything is for the kids. Their first day of school. Their graduations and big birthdays, one , ten, sixteen, and  you kind of push your stuff to the back. We did not have a big 25 th wedding anniversary party and that is a shame. We should have. I did not have a big 50th birthday, nor did my husband, we should have.

What is life, if not for celebrating ??

So, I am going to work harder, as I navigate life stuff, setting up this house, babysitting grand kids and celebrating everyone’s goals reached and dreams coming true, and get some goals of my own.

I know some things I want to accomplish.

1 lose the weight that as Oprah put it, is mud in my wings. I do believe that. I am not as bubbly and outgoing as I used to be when I felt pretty and had a thin more agile body. Although still outgoing and friendly, I am less  willing to put myself out there than I used to be.

2, finish my book and get it published and out there.

3. Get my jewelry business profitable. I am very , very proud of the quality of my pieces. I know they are good quality and worth what I ask. I just have to figure out how to get my pieces  promoted better. I am working on it, by  sponsoring a very cute and lovely  blog, showing my items on another  wonderful blog. website,  and putting them on Etsy .com.  Those links, if not on this blog to the right, are on my beading blog, which is on the right.

4. Get our debt paid off so that David has some options. Once we are debt free, except for our houses, they will be ongoing for a while, then we have more options open for doing some of the t hings we are passionate about . Real estate, we have dreamed of owning rental property and finally have one house rented and one we live in. Also , we would love to open a store and rent out booths to crafters and antique dealers. That has been a dream for honestly most of our marriage. We have rented booths and tried that way, but that is not the way to do it. Have others pay the rent and you can sell your stuff with no rental, trying to pay the rent on a booth leaves it harder to make that profit !!  We have to be debt free and maybe willing to live above  that business for a while to get it off the ground, so more things to work towards. This would be a purchased building, so the mortgage and business could be one for a while.

A good start.  Much work to do.

I will work hard on becoming focused. Something my ADHD brain has issues with at times !!!

Thanks for stopping in, I will share as I go !!!

 

some pictures I took in our back yard the other day, great new camera !!! Took a lot more, but will just share a few !!

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Feeling a bit off today, a rambling post !!

I woke up today not feeling quite myself.  Maybe some malaise of the emotional kind, or even a bit morose. I am not sure which. Just not myself.  The last few weeks have been crazy busy and I knew today would be my day from the time I got up until about five thirty with just a few minutes of my husband running in, changing clothes and going out to play racket ball with our son in law.

I thought I would wake up feeling energetic , full of vim and viger, not having to sit today. I have been watching kids all week, and our youngest grand daughter five days a week for the last month or so.

However, I woke up in this blue type mood which is not really me at all.

My question is , why ………?

I think there are a few things responsible.

Not being settled in our new home, despite moving in mid August. I have boxes and boxes of unpacked stuff in the house, let alone what is in the garage. Many projects to do, so much left undone as we have had a lot of things coming up that we had to help our grown kids with and it has put our stuff on hold. No regrets, they needed the help , so that is not a problem in itself.  We always want to be there for our kids.

I think I feel like we are just staying here. It is not our home. I have a mortgage payment due on Oct 1 to prove it IS our home, but it does not feel like it. I cannot find anything I need. I have no place to put anything. I am beyond frustrated.

we moved back  here to our home town, after being an hour away for a year, to be closer to our kids , whom we missed so much and I wanted  to have a better social life as we knew no one up there, and have so far not really gotten to do much with friends. I am still pretty isoloated, but at least I am  seeing our kids and grandkids on a regular basis, the ones in Texas at least, we have two out of state we miss very much as well as their parents.

I cannot seem to focus on anything lately. Beading, photography , finances, writing, reading, cooking, cleaning, housework, going through boxes, you name it. I am just scattered at the time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I am spending too much time on Candy crush, but I play for free, I do not buy those credits to play !!!

I pay the bills, do what has to be done, but that is about it. I am frustrated with myself and my life right now.

Okay , I do want to be clear. I have a great life. I have a husband I love so much, and our kids are amazing and through them we have wonderful in  law kids and precious grandkids. We have a good life and  I have no compaints in that dept. We have a nice home , that we can really update and make really nice and my husband is blessed with a good job !!

I have a great marriage , married to my best friend. We really like each other as friends, as well as being a romantic couple. I have had the luxury of staying home the past 30 years to raise the kids and of late, help watch our grandkids.

So, what could be the problem then ?

I have no damn idea !!  I am working on losing weight. I have to lose about half my body weight in fat, that is embarrassing to admit. I need to get in better shape fitness wise. I am still pretty strong and doing pretty good despite my weight, but I want to be better than good. I want to be strong and very healthy. But this is not the reason for my feelings. I am working on it, I know I will get there.

I just feel a bit blue today.

I think I need to find people to do stuff with. I have no one I can get out with on a regular basis and have fun.  My dear friend here in Texas, used to be my constant companion  years ago when our kids were in school and we would hang out together. Not any more. she just got her LVN and is looking for a job. Soon she will be working full time and any time we have gotten to spend together , which since I have moved back has not been as much as I thought it would be,  will be gone. she is in a differant stage of l ife than I am. Ten  years  younger. Wants to party, go to bars and hang out with friends and play pool. That is not who I am and so she does not even bother to invite me anymore.  I told her we are growing apart, she is changing, I am still the way I was , but her life has changed. Her kids grew up and she is wanting to play. She swears we are not growing apart, but I have been through this with another dear friend and I know it is coming. We will always stay in touch, get together from time to time. but she has new friends that do like to party and go to play pool and do not  mind smoky bars. I am not against bars and drinking, but bars are not really my thing and I drink very rarely. It is just not something I care for.  At t his point in her life, she wants to drink socially and have fun. I want to hang out at home, , or  go out and eat, sit and talk, go to yard sales, thirft stores or even window shop at Target, but not go to play pool and party. My hubby and I have never been partiers even when we were young. It is just not our thing !!  I miss the times I spent with my friend and I probably am grieving losing the friendship we had. the one we will have moving forward, it is not the same friendship we had shared for a decade. It just isn’t , she just does not want to admit it at this point.

I would love to find other creative people to hang out with. People who love to bead and do crafts .  Maybe even writers, or artists, My age preferably . I have some amazing friends my age but they are all in other states. I love them dearly, and we talk and keep in touch through  phone calls, emails and facebook. But I want people to hang out with. Go to yard sales with, garage sales, be creative with !!

I love doing many of those things with my hubby and when he worked second shift , or his rotating 12 hour shift, we got many weekdays to go out and have fun. Take pictures, go to antique stores, thrift stores, and yard sales. Make stuff for the yard together and for a while we even had an antique booth together. He works day shift now mostly six day a week work weeks,  and gets home when all those venues are closed. I could go by myself, but it is just not the same experience . Holding up some ugly or rediculous thing you find to get the other persons reaction, showing off treasures as you find them. You cannot do that by yourself. I have tried going alone, it is sad.

So, please excuse my poor poor pitiful me day, that is not really how I feel but I know that is how it sounds. It is more a bit of sadness and boredom and frustration. Not knowing what to do to fix the issue. I have tried to make new friends. I have met interesting people and after a fun conversation have  given them my number, and they seem intersted in getting together, but I have never one time gotten a call, or an offer of thier number. I guess most people have plenty of friends. I could think there is something wrong with me, and I have at times . but I really do not think that is it. I am a normal person, not scary or weird, lol, just your average person who  loves to talk and do things with others. I just think by fifty , most people have more friends than they need. Work friends, church friends, school friends they kept for life. They just do not need another friend.

My husband does not work in a place where he can really find people to hang out with from work. Pure and simple, he really would not care to hang out with many of the people he works with and the ones he would, have too much to do and are not really free to get together or work opposite shifts from him.  I do not work, so no work friends for me. No kids in school so no meeting people that way.  We are not church goers so that is out. I love God and pray, but church is not my thing. I do not like having to watch what a say all the time and worrying about a bad word, yes, I do swear at times, and I have tried to stop it so many times, but to no avail.  I am a work in progress !!

So, it is really frustrating to want some friends, to really want a group of women to hang out with, and get together with maybe once a week , like you see in the movies and tv, and not be able to do that. I think I am friendly and give a good impression There is no real reason I can think of that no one calls me except that they already have full lives with plenty of friends and do not need another one.

I even tried the Red Hats, which our daughter in law found hilarious. but never got an answer from the group in my area.  Not sure I could prance around in red and purple anyway, so maybe it is a good thing  they never got back to me ! Okay, stop laughing Melissa, lol, !!!

How do you create the life you want ? I feel like the women in Rebas song, is there life out there ? I do not want to leave, I am just wondering if there is life out there ?  There is so much I have not done, so much I want to try.   I am just so frustrated.

I started this blog in the hopes I would  meet other women struggling to find themselves too. I would love to hear from people who have been down this road and found some answers.

If you are struggling too, maybe we can help each other !!

I am basicly happy. I have a wonderful amazing life with a wonderful amazing man I love like crazy,  who takes very good care of me and loves me the way I am and encourages anything I want to do or try !! I raised four kids with him that are fabulous adults I enjoy spending time with. BUT, now it is time for me to find out what I want. LIke my blog title says. It is time to be me, but who in the heck is me , I just do not know any more, and do not understand how to find out. I am not sure I got to know who I  was before life took me over. Marriage , motherhood, and so on. Life is like a river that just sort of sweeps you away and when you finally are able to get out , and climb up the banks, you have no idea of were you were going or what you wanted to do when you fell  in  !!

I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel just fine again. These days happen from time to time. I am still looking for clues, something to get me on the right path so I can start looking for where I need to be. I am only 53, I have many  decades left to live and do something great with my life, I just have to figure out what that could be ?

Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent. Not sure how many people really read this, but just writing it down makes me feel better and that is the other reason I started this blog. The light below , I took this picture years ago, says go , but I just have to figure out where !!!

Thanks so much,

 

April 2011 Stephenville and misc 400

 

Go after your dreams

Dreams are funny things. They are vitally important to our lives. When we lose the ability to dream, we lose hope in our future and what is to come. We just kind of excist, not truely live . That is a sad place to find yourself.

A lot of people have forgotten how to dream. They have to work hard to bring home a check, take care of thier family, pay bills and worrry about all the above, who has time for dreaming ? The are practical and feel they just have to get through each day intact.

I say, however, dreams are vital. If you do not let yourself dream, you have nothing to aspire to. You have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. Hard work in itself, is only rewarding if you love it. If it is your passion, working hard is a gift. But if you are working a job you hate, and working hard every day. There is no joy in that if you do not have dreams to make that work worth while. If you work hard every day, then come home and do the things that you are passionate about. Writing, drawing, sewing, crafting, going to school so you can pursue your dream of working in a field you are passionate about, doctor, lawyer, realtor, teacher. It really does not matter what field it is, if it is your passion, and you love it, you need to go for it. I think so many people put thier dreams aside when they have families to take care of. Maybe kids came before you planned to have them, and put your dreams on hold, but after a while, you gave up on those dreams, figured it was impossible.

I say, dig up those old dreams. See if they are still your passion. If they are not, then find new ones . This world is full of so much beauty and interest. There is really no limit to what we can do, except ourselves. I am very guilty of that. I am 52 and just starting to figure it out. I think for a long time I gave up on dreaming about a future for me. My life was being a wife and mom to four kids, what time did I have to think about what I wanted to be or do ? I wish I had. I could have gone to school one class a semester, I would have had a degree by the time the kids were grown and would have so many more options today.  Regret is a bad thing, so I have let it go. Regret will never bring you happiness !!!

Now, I am working on finding my dreams again. It is a harder in an older body, with a lot of weight on it. Weight gained, I have no doubt, because I did not keep my dreams or invest enough in myself. When you hold in  your feelings and dreams, you try to fill that void with other things, food is  obviously what I used.

I will keep working to find my dream. I love making the jewelry, and beads are something I am very passionate about, but I am still not completely sure it is my life destiny to make jewelry but I am going to enjoy it and keep doing it until the right thing, which may, in fact,  be making jewelry, makes itself clear to me. I also love to write and that is what this blog is for !!

Every day we need to get up and first be thankful for all that we have.  Then we can find something to work on toward our dream. One small step, even if it is prayer or  meditation, that is always a great start. Then reading, searching, and doing what you love to do. You can never go wrong doing what you love and if you do, your dreams will be born of that love .

I have been making jewelry for over twenty years. I get lots of great  reviews of my items, but still to date, very few sales. It is hard sometimes to not doubt what I am doing, but I work through it and keep going. It brings me joy. I feel pride in my work and feel like I have accomplished something each day after I have worked. Those are all good things, so only good can come from that. I will not give up. I will keep praying and working and the right path will be shown to me, whether it be the one I am on, or a new one to try.

Also, it is not selfish to go after your dreams. I think we are better parents, spouses, friends, and children to our parents, no matter our age, when we are happy and fulfilled working towards our dreams. Nothing is sadder than an empty person with no dreams. If you are joyful and optimistic and  following those dreams, no matter how far away they seem, you will be so much happier and so will your family being around you !!

So believe in yourself , commit to finding your dream again. you deserve it. We all deserve to be happy and have something we can look forward to and enjoy working towards. It makes life so much richer and happier.

As the old saying goes, just take it one day at a time !!

time to be me, getting started finally

I have not posted in a bit, and I have to admit I have not really been doing much of importance lately. I have been getting settled and getting used to my new life, which is very differant from the life I have led for the last 30 years.

I love the apartment. That in itself shocks me. I was kind of afraid I would not adjust well to apartment life, but having a one car garage with our own private stair case that is part of the apartment/ garage, helps a lot. We never use the front door at all. I could put a large potted plant in front of it, lol !! I love that we have t hree doors. A front door, a back door to the garage and a patio door onto our balcony. I love the view. As I sit here typing I feel like I am in a tree house. I look out over a creek and all I see sitting here are the tops of the trees that are at my level. Wonderful. Quiet, serene even. A nice , lovely, homey ,pretty, and comfortable place to figure out who I want to be.

My life has been defined pretty much from the start. Daughter, sister. Than mother, wife, and aunt. Always friend.  But who am I ? I have spent so many years worrying about others, every mom does, but in all that caring and worry over others I feel I got lost in the shuffle somewhere.

I read once to find yourself as an adult, remember what you loved doing as a kid.

I loved to chase butterflies, and catch the millers on the lantana bushes and  catcth grasshoppers and  play kickball in the front yard, but somehow think that is not what they are talking about !!

I always loved art. I remember one time using my moms beautiful book on birds, that had lovely illustration and spending hours copying some of those birds painstakingly with contruction paper.  I loved to draw and color and sing and make up songs. I was always a creative child.

As a teen, I wrote a lot of poems, some short stories and drew a lot. I loved music and dancing and again, was always creative.

How do we lose that side of us ? I got married, our oldest son was at our wedding so I never got a chance to just be a wife, I was mom and wife. I worked the first year and a half until our second child was born and then I had two to take care of and money from the job would not cover day care, so that is when I became a stay at home mom. Nineteen months later came number three and about four years later number four, and I was a  busy mommy !! I did not have time or money for creativity anymore. I was busy all day and could not seem to find the time to write or draw. It slowly got put away.

As they got older I tried with my jewelry but I could never find a good balance. If I created, the house work did not get done, or the house was clean and I did not create, it was a hard line to learn and I never really did figure it out.

Now, my time is my own. My husband is finally on a five day work week  , m -f, so I have all the time I need and the only messes are ours so they are not much to clean up after.  Perfect, time to create again, but I just do not know how to get started !!

So, that is where I sit today. Trying to figure out not only what to create, but when and how. I am still playing with the beads, I love them even if they have not been a good business, but I want to get back to my basics, writing and drawing. I figured posting this is a start !!

I am going to have to take baby steps. I have added new interests over the years, one of them photography which I love.  All I know is creativity makes life worth living.  I am tired of watching tv and seeing other people live, or reading  tons of b logs about other people doing fun things, I still want to watch those shows and read those blogs, I love them, but I want to start  having some fun experiences too !!

We have been here almost three months, time to get moving. That is the plan. I guess like the old saying goes, I will take it one day at a time and see what I come up with. I will try to do something every day, even if it is small and post it here.

Now, gotta think what I want to do first, lol, do not know where to start, but I guess it is time to just jump in and get wet !! I will have to figure it out as I go !!

So, today, this blog post,  and tomorrow I will do something and get myself creating. It is a start and the one thing I do know, is once you start creating, you get the wheel rolling and it gets easier to create , the more  you create !!

So, on to finding me, that has been my goal all along. Just harder than I thought it would be !!

starting the journey

Tonight I was going through old poetry jounals going back  many years and was shocked at how many of my poems, and written thoughts were about finding myself, being the person I was meant to be and finding my path. Wow. Some I read were from 2000. It made me sad that for so long I have been searching and  yet never took it seriously enough to actually take steps to find out what I want to do, what exactly is my path and who am I beyond a mom and wife and grandma and so on. Who am I ? 

I think it is often hard to answer that question because for most of us that question brings up obvious answers. I am a wife, a mom, a grandma or I work at so and so, but it really does not dig deep enough. Those are importmant things, absolutely. Nothing I have ever done will ever be as important and bringing our kids into the world. I was blessed to be able to be the conduit that brought them here and I am so proud and happy I am their mother. I am grateful for David and being able to share the precious gift of parenthood with him. 

The time  has come though for us to find out what we want to do now. Our kids are on thier own, they are all doing great and are amazing people we are proud of. Now  it is our time, both as a couple and individually to start finding out what we want to do with the other half of our lives ?

As a kid and teen I drew and I wrote constantly. I loved to dance and make up dances and loved to sing. Singing I know is not my path, I cannot carry a tune in a bucket as they say. However I loved so many creative things and just did not know how to  hold on to those as I took on the new roles of wife and mommy.

I threw myself into those roles, I loved being a mom. I loved being a wife and for a long time it was enough. But eventually you do realize you cannot live for others and my adutlt kids do not  need a mommy anymore. It is finally the point where I can just be a friend , confident I did my job well and they do not need my help anymore. I sometimes tend to give it them anyway, but they are quick to let me know when I cross that line !!

So, how do you get back your passions ? How do you find that childlike wonder and joy in the things you love to do ?

i think we can have that as adults and I think we can find it when we think it is lost. But it does take work and dedication and making the choice to not be distracted by life and pulled back off that path.

I want to dance again and draw again and enjoy writing stupid poems and short stories for my own amusement. I remember those days fondly and remember  how happy I was in those hours of creating. No thoughts of expecatations, just drawing and dancing and writing for the pure joy of it.

I have found I love photography and it seems to help me with that impatient side that wants to see imediate results, something drawing and writing does not give you.  But I do miss sitting and drawing things that catch my attention and taking joy in the detail of drawing or writing  something I love.

I somehow have to find my way back. There has to be a way to balance my life as a wife, as an adult. Laundry, cooking, dishes, and so on, and my life as an artist and creator . That is my journey now.

I am excited and have a new found purpose. I am going to learn to be childlike again and just enjoy creating for creatings sake.  I just have to start that journey with one step, I have always heard that and now I get it. One step at a time , that is all it takes to start a wonderful journey !!

The best is yet to be

I was given something to think about today while watching The View. I had never really thought a lot about it , but something said by John Ramsey made me think.  After losing his six year old daughter Jon Boni fifteen years ago, and then his wife seven years ago  , he was asked if he still had the  good years ahead of him.

Wow, what a thing to ask yourself !! Are the good years still ahead of me ? 

When we are young we have so much to look forward to. Getting through grammer school, going to middle school, and then going to high school. Your first date, learning to drive, getting your license, getting a car, getting your first job, graduating high school. Possibly going to college and then graduating. Meeting the right person, gettting engaged, getting married, buying a house, having your babies, moving up in your career ,  all this is ahead of you.

One day you wake up. Your kids are grown. You may even own a house. You may even have grandkids. What is left to look forward to ? Are the best days behind you at that point ? Especially for us stay at home moms who never pursued a career. What in the heck is left to look forward to as a personal goal now ? Haven’t we reached all the miles stones we get in life ?

I had thought some about that. Obviously that is why I started this blog. But never in those terms. Are the best years ahead of me, or behind me ?  I think it really depends on you.

If you think, okay, thats it. I am done, there is nothing left to look forward to in my life. Just exist until I die, then that is probably what will happen and you might not live a very long full life.Or it might seem very long because you are so unfullfilled and bored stupid.

But if you say, okay. The obvious milestones have been met, but I am going to find new ones and find out who I am and what I want now that I have finished my very  important work of raising my kids, that will give you a completely differant perspective and therefore a differant view of life. 

There is no obvious physical differance between people with those two seperate attitudes, both start from the same place,  butonce that question is answered  the spiritual, mental and physical life of those two people are completely differant based on how they answer it.

If you believe with all your heart you can set new milestones and build a new life then you can do that.

Go back to school, start a new career. If you have never worked, get a job you enjoy or start a business of your own.

What do you love to do ? What excites you ? That is where we need to start.

I am so excited now that I heard John Ramsey say that today. Now I know what I need to do.

I need to set goals for myself so I can build a wonderful future for myself.

Now, many people will say, what about my spouse ? Where do they fit in to this ? Well, they do and they don’t. They do in that they are your spouse and the most important person in your life and what you do impacts them. But they cannot be responsible for your happiness and you cannot be responsible for thiers. But, if you are in a great relationship , if you find what makes you really happy, it cannot help but make your relationship happier too.  Maybe it will inspire them to find what they want to do as well.

I am blessed to have a husband who encourages me to try new things and always supports my efforts and I do the same for him.  I cannot wait to have this discussion with him but unfortunately he is in bed sick , and sound asleep !! I think it is a wonderful discussion for everyone to have with thier partners or spouse, or friends or both  .

Now it will not be easy. It will take work. But at least we know WHY we are doing it. I want to have an exciting and fun life and be able to enjoy the many years ahead of me now that our kids are grown and out on thier own. It is our time to explore our relationship  as well, and really build a new one. We are not Mommy and Daddy anymore, but Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa.  We can now , for the first time ever in 30 years, put ourselves first !! How wonderful !!

But while my husband  has a job and skills he has built over these past 3o years, I have been home with our kids and grandkids. So, now I have to step out of my safe little box and find out what I want to do. I have to really figure out what it is I am passionate about, what I can  see myself doing for the next half of my life and what I can build my new goals around.Yes, I did say the next half of my life. I am only 51 and only consider myself  only half way through my life , and it will be a great second half !!

It will not be an overnight thing. I will  have to dig and explore and figure it out. But now I do know I want to have the best years ahead of me, which means they will be pretty damn good. I have had a great life so far. Amazing husband, wonderful kids who have given us wonderful families to love in our in law kids and grand kids. 

The bar has been set pretty high, but I am worth it and life is worth it. I want to be busy and happy and fullfilled each day. I want to get out of bed excited about my day and  looking foward to what I am going to try today.

So, if you want it, the best is yet to be, and you can have the life of your dreams, it is NOT all over for you.  You just have to want it bad enough !!!  If you believe in yourself, you can make the second half even better then the first !! It is all up to you !!!!