Finding my dream …..

I have spent a good part of the last 20 years with beads. All kinds of beadwork. I loved it.

Now I am not sure how I feel and it is a weird feeling.

If I could have had the studio I have today, 20 years ago, the actual room, plus all the amazing and beautiful supplies I have, I would have been over the moon. Even with four kids, I found time and incentive to bead. I had very limited resources back then, for many reasons. Not having a lot left over to play with after bills and food and all the stuff we needed to live. Plus, no internet , that is so crazy to me now, and the craft stores just did not have much variety back then. We had found a store about an hour from home that sold seed beads, so I would save up 30 bucks or so,  and we would take the kids and go look and I would pick some up a few times a year. But sequins, not too many choices but I still enjoyed making pretty things with them, and used clear sequins with an iridescent sparkle over different colored felts to get the colors I wanted.

Yet, I find I am done. The dream defies me. I cannot get excited about the beads anymore. I still love them, cannot imagine getting rid of them,  and last year I fooled myself into thinking I  wanted to work with them by buying a lot of them. I spent way too much money last year on beads, charms , finding just wish I could go back a few years and have not bought any of it. I think I lost the joy in it, by trying to make money doing what I loved. I should have done what I loved and then if I made money, great, but I did it wrong and broke it somehow. I just do not know how to fix it. Do I fake it until I make it, or just walk away for a while and see what happens ?

I am going to be 57 this year and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I have never had a job outside the home, not in almost 30 years. Have no marketable skills and have no desire to work fast food or retail. Right now, at my current weight, which I am working on, it would be miserable for me to be on my feet that many hours anyway.

I have always wanted to write, but other than here on my different blogs, I am not really writing much either. I feel a bit lost . I think part of it is, for the first time in a very long time, I have not been needed on a regular basis to pick up grandkids from school, or babysit anyone. Just occasionally now, and that means once or so a month. I am not used to this. It is nice, but I have to get adjusted to it I suppose !!

My husband and I just started a few weeks ago  on a vegan diet , diet meaning the way that we eat, not to lose  weight and go back to where we were, this is a permanent  lifestyle change and it has been really fun and exciting, but also at times overwhelming and a bit sad . Sad because eating out has always been fun for us, but most of what we went out for, we cannot have any more. There are not many vegan choices in this area .  This is for health reasons, there is no options. My family history and current test results show I have to change how I eat to stay healthy and avoid having to take medications . So, eating vegan is the only way to absolutely not get heart disease and helps prevent many cancers, so here we are.  Thank goodness for the internet and all the wonderful vegan websites and you tube channels that are helping me with recipes and advice. I do not think it would be as easy as it has been, even though it is still difficult, if that makes sense, without the help I have found, and the many books I have found through all of them. I have a stack of great recipe books.

So, here I am, almost in March of our now, not so new year. I am sitting in my close to  my dream studio ,and not sure what to do.

As I said before, I think the last few years of working so very hard and not getting anywhere with my sales, may have taken the passion for the materials I used to adore out of me. I do not know how to get it back. I am a bit sad about it.

So, I am just trying to figure out what I want to do.

For now, that one day at a time saying seems to make sense.

Living in the moment, works too.

I am going to concentrate on the new eating plan. Celebrate each pound lost, and there are many to go, over a 100. Maybe that is what I need to focus on for now. Such a big change, it might need my entire focus for a while.

I guess for now, the thing to do is to concentrate on getting our eating good. Work on exercising , planning good meals and see what things appeal to me over time. The beads will not go bad and I have a lot of grand daughters who can enjoy playing in  here. I can make gifts and stuff for myself. Who knows, in time the passion for the beadwork might come back.

I still have an  order I am working on that excites me, so that is good. I am looking forward to getting back to that project soon !!

Maybe once I start working with her again, I will find my bead passion again. But I am going to keep my eyes open and see what gets me interested. Are there new things that could be fun and I could enjoy doing ?

So, just trying to figure it out. It is just plain weird to not have any interest at all . I am not depressed, or unhappy. Not a bit. On the contrary I feel great and I am very happy. Just not excited about the beads anymore. Maybe this is empty nest for real, even though we have a grown son at home for a short while, I do not have to take care of him, lol !!

I am excited to have time for myself, I need it. But I want to find something to be good at. Not just a jack of all trades, but master of non,  like I am in the beading world. I want to find the thing I can be great at !! I think I tried too many things with the beading and never got truly great at any of it !! Find a dream to pursue !! Learn to be great at something I love to do.

At the very least it is a fresh start with endless possibilities .

If anyone has gone through this, I would love to hear how they got through it !!!

For now, one day at a time !!!

Live in the moment !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

 

Go after your dreams

Dreams are funny things. They are vitally important to our lives. When we lose the ability to dream, we lose hope in our future and what is to come. We just kind of excist, not truely live . That is a sad place to find yourself.

A lot of people have forgotten how to dream. They have to work hard to bring home a check, take care of thier family, pay bills and worrry about all the above, who has time for dreaming ? The are practical and feel they just have to get through each day intact.

I say, however, dreams are vital. If you do not let yourself dream, you have nothing to aspire to. You have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. Hard work in itself, is only rewarding if you love it. If it is your passion, working hard is a gift. But if you are working a job you hate, and working hard every day. There is no joy in that if you do not have dreams to make that work worth while. If you work hard every day, then come home and do the things that you are passionate about. Writing, drawing, sewing, crafting, going to school so you can pursue your dream of working in a field you are passionate about, doctor, lawyer, realtor, teacher. It really does not matter what field it is, if it is your passion, and you love it, you need to go for it. I think so many people put thier dreams aside when they have families to take care of. Maybe kids came before you planned to have them, and put your dreams on hold, but after a while, you gave up on those dreams, figured it was impossible.

I say, dig up those old dreams. See if they are still your passion. If they are not, then find new ones . This world is full of so much beauty and interest. There is really no limit to what we can do, except ourselves. I am very guilty of that. I am 52 and just starting to figure it out. I think for a long time I gave up on dreaming about a future for me. My life was being a wife and mom to four kids, what time did I have to think about what I wanted to be or do ? I wish I had. I could have gone to school one class a semester, I would have had a degree by the time the kids were grown and would have so many more options today.  Regret is a bad thing, so I have let it go. Regret will never bring you happiness !!!

Now, I am working on finding my dreams again. It is a harder in an older body, with a lot of weight on it. Weight gained, I have no doubt, because I did not keep my dreams or invest enough in myself. When you hold in  your feelings and dreams, you try to fill that void with other things, food is  obviously what I used.

I will keep working to find my dream. I love making the jewelry, and beads are something I am very passionate about, but I am still not completely sure it is my life destiny to make jewelry but I am going to enjoy it and keep doing it until the right thing, which may, in fact,  be making jewelry, makes itself clear to me. I also love to write and that is what this blog is for !!

Every day we need to get up and first be thankful for all that we have.  Then we can find something to work on toward our dream. One small step, even if it is prayer or  meditation, that is always a great start. Then reading, searching, and doing what you love to do. You can never go wrong doing what you love and if you do, your dreams will be born of that love .

I have been making jewelry for over twenty years. I get lots of great  reviews of my items, but still to date, very few sales. It is hard sometimes to not doubt what I am doing, but I work through it and keep going. It brings me joy. I feel pride in my work and feel like I have accomplished something each day after I have worked. Those are all good things, so only good can come from that. I will not give up. I will keep praying and working and the right path will be shown to me, whether it be the one I am on, or a new one to try.

Also, it is not selfish to go after your dreams. I think we are better parents, spouses, friends, and children to our parents, no matter our age, when we are happy and fulfilled working towards our dreams. Nothing is sadder than an empty person with no dreams. If you are joyful and optimistic and  following those dreams, no matter how far away they seem, you will be so much happier and so will your family being around you !!

So believe in yourself , commit to finding your dream again. you deserve it. We all deserve to be happy and have something we can look forward to and enjoy working towards. It makes life so much richer and happier.

As the old saying goes, just take it one day at a time !!