Finding my dream …..

I have spent a good part of the last 20 years with beads. All kinds of beadwork. I loved it. I discovered sequins and found I loved to make ornaments and angel ornaments  out of sequins and seed beads and loved collecting both the seed beads and sequins. Here is an example of one of my ornaments.

Beaded ornaments 009

Now I am not sure how I feel and it is a weird feeling.

If I could have had the studio I have today, 20 years ago, the actual room, plus all the amazing and beautiful supplies I have, I would have been over the moon. Even with four kids, I found time and incentive to bead. I had very limited resources back then, for many reasons. Not having a lot left over to play with after bills and food and all the stuff we needed to live. Plus, no internet , that is so crazy to me now, and the craft stores just did not have much variety back then. We had found a store about an hour from home that sold seed beads, so I would save up 30 bucks or so,  and we would take the kids and go look and I would pick some up a few times a year. But sequins, not too many choices but I still enjoyed making pretty things with them, and used clear sequins with an iridescent sparkle over different colored felts to get the colors I wanted.

Now, I have every color of sequin  you could imagine. Hundreds, and I am not kidding. Same with seed beads, such a wonderful variety of them to work with. Colored beading  thread was limited back then to a few colors, and now I have so many of them to work with in every tint of color .

Yet, I find I am done. The dream defies me. I cannot get excited about the beads, or sequins anymore. I still love them, cannot imagine getting rid of them,  and last year I fooled myself into thinking I  wanted to work with them by buying a lot of them. I spent way too much money last year on beads, sequins, charms and other jewelry making stuff. A . lot. of . money. Husband was supportive, nothing done behind his back. I was really trying last year to make money. But now, today. I look at it all and just wish I could go back a few years and have not bought any of it. I think I lost the joy in it, by trying to make money doing what I loved. I should have done what I loved and then if I made money, great, but I did it wrong and broke it somehow. I just do not know how to fix it. Do I fake it until I make it, or just walk away for a while and see what happens ?

I am going to be 57 this year and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I have never had a job outside the home, not in almost 30 years. Have no marketable skills and have no desire to work fast food or retail. Right now, at my current weight, which I am working on, it would be miserable for me to be on my feet that many hours anyway.

I have always wanted to write, but other than here on my different blogs, I am not really writing much either. I feel a bit lost . I think part of it is, for the first time in a very long time, I have not been needed on a regular basis to pick up grandkids from school, or babysit anyone. Just occasionally now, and that means once or so a month. I am not used to this. It is nice, but I have to get adjusted to it I suppose !!

My husband and I just started a few weeks ago  on a vegan diet , diet meaning the way that we eat, not to lose  weight and go back to where we were, this is a permanent  lifestyle change and it has been really fun and exciting, but also at times overwhelming and a bit sad . Sad because eating out has always been fun for us, but most of what we went out for, we cannot have any more. There are not many vegan choices in this area .  This is for health reasons, there is no options. My family history and current test results show I have to change how I eat to stay healthy and avoid having to take medications . So, eating vegan is the only way to absolutely not get heart disease and helps prevent many cancers, so here we are.  Thank goodness for the internet and all the wonderful vegan websites and you tube channels that are helping me with recipes and advice. I do not think it would be as easy as it has been, even though it is still difficult, if that makes sense, without the help I have found, and the many books I have found through all of them. I have a stack of great recipe books.

So, here I am, almost in March of our now, not so new year. I am sitting in my close to  my dream studio ,and not sure what to do.

As I said before, I think the last few years of working so very hard and not getting anywhere with my sales, may have taken the passion for the materials I used to adore out of me. I do not know how to get it back. I am a bit sad about it.

So, I am just trying to figure out what I want to do.

For now, that one day at a time saying seems to make sense.

Living in the moment, works too.

I am going to concentrate on the new eating plan. Celebrate each pound lost, and there are many to go, over a 100. Maybe that is what I need to focus on for now. Such a big change, it might need my entire focus for a while.

I started a blog for that too, maybe that will help. I still have my jewelry blog, not sure what to do with it. I have followers, and I hate to let them down, so not sure what to do when my heart is just not into it right now. This is the first time I have lost complete interest in it all and I have a feeling it is because I put a complete ban on purchasing any beads, sequins, findings, or anything to do with the entire thing and have not bought a thing since mid December last year. I think the buying last year kept the hope alive, but now I know I was just deceiving myself. Every time I bought some beads, seed beads or sequins, I had ideas for what I could do, but non of it  happened. It was almost like , the fact I was buying it, I was being creative. Once I took that away by not shopping for them, it pulled back the curtain and I saw the truth. I was not really creating. I was just buying stuff that was pretty. It was all an illusion.

I guess for now, the thing to do is to concentrate on getting our eating good. Work on exercising , planning good meals and see what things appeal to me over time. The beads will not go bad and I have a lot of grand daughters who can enjoy playing in  here. I can make gifts and stuff for myself. Who knows, in time the passion for the beadwork might come back.

I still have an  order I am working on that excites me, so that is good. I am looking forward to getting back to that project soon !!

Maybe once I start working with her again, I will find my bead passion again. But I am going to keep my eyes open and see what gets me interested. Are there new things that could be fun and I could enjoy doing ?

So, just trying to figure it out. It is just plain weird to not have any interest at all . I am not depressed, or unhappy. Not a bit. On the contrary I feel great and I am very happy. Just not excited about the beads anymore. Maybe this is empty nest for real, even though we have a grown son at home for a short while, I do not have to take care of him, lol !!

I am excited to have time for myself, I need it. But I want to find something to be good at. Not just a jack of all trades, but master of non,  like I am in the beading world. I want to find the thing I can be great at !! I think I tried too many things with the beading and never got truly great at any of it !! Find a dream to pursue !! Learn to be great at something I love to do.

At the very least it is a fresh start with endless possibilities .

If anyone has gone through this, I would love to hear how they got through it !!!

For now, one day at a time !!!

Live in the moment !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

Stephie

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