Finding my dream …..

I have spent a good part of the last 20 years with beads. All kinds of beadwork. I loved it.

Now I am not sure how I feel and it is a weird feeling.

If I could have had the studio I have today, 20 years ago, the actual room, plus all the amazing and beautiful supplies I have, I would have been over the moon. Even with four kids, I found time and incentive to bead. I had very limited resources back then, for many reasons. Not having a lot left over to play with after bills and food and all the stuff we needed to live. Plus, no internet , that is so crazy to me now, and the craft stores just did not have much variety back then. We had found a store about an hour from home that sold seed beads, so I would save up 30 bucks or so,  and we would take the kids and go look and I would pick some up a few times a year. But sequins, not too many choices but I still enjoyed making pretty things with them, and used clear sequins with an iridescent sparkle over different colored felts to get the colors I wanted.

Yet, I find I am done. The dream defies me. I cannot get excited about the beads anymore. I still love them, cannot imagine getting rid of them,  and last year I fooled myself into thinking I  wanted to work with them by buying a lot of them. I spent way too much money last year on beads, charms , finding just wish I could go back a few years and have not bought any of it. I think I lost the joy in it, by trying to make money doing what I loved. I should have done what I loved and then if I made money, great, but I did it wrong and broke it somehow. I just do not know how to fix it. Do I fake it until I make it, or just walk away for a while and see what happens ?

I am going to be 57 this year and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I have never had a job outside the home, not in almost 30 years. Have no marketable skills and have no desire to work fast food or retail. Right now, at my current weight, which I am working on, it would be miserable for me to be on my feet that many hours anyway.

I have always wanted to write, but other than here on my different blogs, I am not really writing much either. I feel a bit lost . I think part of it is, for the first time in a very long time, I have not been needed on a regular basis to pick up grandkids from school, or babysit anyone. Just occasionally now, and that means once or so a month. I am not used to this. It is nice, but I have to get adjusted to it I suppose !!

My husband and I just started a few weeks ago  on a vegan diet , diet meaning the way that we eat, not to lose  weight and go back to where we were, this is a permanent  lifestyle change and it has been really fun and exciting, but also at times overwhelming and a bit sad . Sad because eating out has always been fun for us, but most of what we went out for, we cannot have any more. There are not many vegan choices in this area .  This is for health reasons, there is no options. My family history and current test results show I have to change how I eat to stay healthy and avoid having to take medications . So, eating vegan is the only way to absolutely not get heart disease and helps prevent many cancers, so here we are.  Thank goodness for the internet and all the wonderful vegan websites and you tube channels that are helping me with recipes and advice. I do not think it would be as easy as it has been, even though it is still difficult, if that makes sense, without the help I have found, and the many books I have found through all of them. I have a stack of great recipe books.

So, here I am, almost in March of our now, not so new year. I am sitting in my close to  my dream studio ,and not sure what to do.

As I said before, I think the last few years of working so very hard and not getting anywhere with my sales, may have taken the passion for the materials I used to adore out of me. I do not know how to get it back. I am a bit sad about it.

So, I am just trying to figure out what I want to do.

For now, that one day at a time saying seems to make sense.

Living in the moment, works too.

I am going to concentrate on the new eating plan. Celebrate each pound lost, and there are many to go, over a 100. Maybe that is what I need to focus on for now. Such a big change, it might need my entire focus for a while.

I guess for now, the thing to do is to concentrate on getting our eating good. Work on exercising , planning good meals and see what things appeal to me over time. The beads will not go bad and I have a lot of grand daughters who can enjoy playing in  here. I can make gifts and stuff for myself. Who knows, in time the passion for the beadwork might come back.

I still have an  order I am working on that excites me, so that is good. I am looking forward to getting back to that project soon !!

Maybe once I start working with her again, I will find my bead passion again. But I am going to keep my eyes open and see what gets me interested. Are there new things that could be fun and I could enjoy doing ?

So, just trying to figure it out. It is just plain weird to not have any interest at all . I am not depressed, or unhappy. Not a bit. On the contrary I feel great and I am very happy. Just not excited about the beads anymore. Maybe this is empty nest for real, even though we have a grown son at home for a short while, I do not have to take care of him, lol !!

I am excited to have time for myself, I need it. But I want to find something to be good at. Not just a jack of all trades, but master of non,  like I am in the beading world. I want to find the thing I can be great at !! I think I tried too many things with the beading and never got truly great at any of it !! Find a dream to pursue !! Learn to be great at something I love to do.

At the very least it is a fresh start with endless possibilities .

If anyone has gone through this, I would love to hear how they got through it !!!

For now, one day at a time !!!

Live in the moment !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!


Focus on me

I started this blog many years ago so I could figure out who I was, and what I wanted. But just as soon as I started that quest, a lot went on that pretty much put me on the back burner again.  Grown kids moving home with their families for many different reasons and then try to make a business work, that was just not working.

I have discovered that when things are not working I spend money on projects that I do not end up doing. I think in my mind, buying the stuff to do the project was like doing it, and I kept buying stuff for my beading business, even though I was not getting any sales and it was spending money that I was not going to get back. I found I would buy plants for the back yard but they would live out their sad lives in the containers I bought them in and never ended up in the ground.

Why was I doing these things ? Why was I buying projects that I never did ?

I really cannot honestly  answer that question. I am still trying to figure it out. Best I can think is, in my mind, if I bought the project it was an intention to do something. I had a lot of intentions, but none got done. I suppose that really is what I was doing. A big waste of time and money. Intentions are no good when not followed through with action.

I decided to end my jewelry business. I found myself selling less and less each month and year. I kept buying more and more stuff trying to make it work, lots of intentions. The problem was, my desire was starting to wane, I was not passionate about the jewelry any longer, but could not admit it to myself. I had worked too long to just give up, despite nothing getting better. I signed up to sell my stuff in a cabinet downtown, right next to the register, and I made a bit over the holidays, but Jan and Feb, hardly any sales at all. Feb are under 15 bucks for the month.  It was a mistake, I should not have done it, but I just could give up on my dream .

I am done. I am tired. I just do not want to do it any longer. I love doing projects with friends, and family, and custom orders, they are fun and exciting, but just designing things to sell, I do not want to do it any longer. I made so many things for Christmas and Valentines day for the store, and few of them sold. Very disappointing. I wish I had not done it, but I am stuck until the end of May. I have to pay three more months. I have added a lot of knick knacks to the cabinet, and those have not sold either. So, I am just going to wait it out. I am sure the shop owner is frustrated with me, but I have no heart for it any more. She has me in a contract so I am stuck, my fault, not hers, and if I am not changing things up like she wants to keep it fresh, I do not know what to tell her. No matter how often I rearrange, nothing is selling. It is hard to get excited about it any more. I should not have rented the cabinet, and now I am paying the 40 bucks a month penalty. Could be worse I suppose !!!

So, now, I am going to start my personal journey again. Try to figure out who I am, what I want to do , and how I want to do it. Some things in my life are great. My marriage, and family, our home. But me personally, I have never had enough time to myself to really figure out what I want. I will start on the process and then I am back picking up kids from school, or baby sitting again. I go back on the shelf . It is hard for grown  kids to understand, when they need the help, that you are tired  and in your mid  fifties you really do not want to pick up kids at school any more. It is hard for them to not take it personal, but when my husband has week days off and is not happy about it, it puts me in the middle too. So, I have to get my kids to figure out what they are going to do.

I have to get my self back, and get weight off, and figure out what I want to do now that I am all grown up. Now that our kids are all grown up too. I need to find me.

I am going to make it my mission to get it figured out.

I need to eat better and exercise , I am through menapause and putting myself at risk for heart disease and with metabolic syndrome, other diseases as well. I eat from stress , and I eat from frustration and when I get down.

It is time for me to take care of myself and do the right things to be healthy.

So, I am back here starting the search again , and determined to find myself and figure out what it is I want to do and need to do to be happy with myself !!!