Is a balanced life just a myth ?

A balanced life.

It sounds wonderful. So adult, so professional. Very zen and productive. But is it real ? Can we really do all the things we want to do and balance them at the same time.

When  I hear the term balanced life, I think of balls being juggled in the air . Round and round they go, always perfectly in time with each other. One wrong toss and all the balls go down at once. They scatter everywhere !!!

Balance. A balanced life. What is that really? Schedules, charts, organization skills. I get overwelmed just thinking about it all. What is a balanced life really look like and can it truely be done ?

The answer is, I do not know. I personally do not know a single human that has a balanced life. Everyone I know complains of not having enough time to get stuff done. Or they play too much one day and do not get work done , or they keep up with the house, or have a job either at home or outside the  home and that takes all their focus and they get nothing creative done.

I know I am not balanced at all. Housework, time with  hubby, time with kids and grand kids, time working on my YouTube channel, time listing the million items I need to sell that take up way too much space in my studio, gardening, cooking, budget, sourcing new items to sell. What about reading, baking, crafting for fun, finishing the crocheted blanket I started literally 15 years ago for my husband. House maintenance and repair. The stuff I can do. No. I have a stack of books to read I have bought slowly over the last few years on Amazon. That blanket sits unfinished. Projects started in my studio that remain unfinished. How many times did I restart that load of towels in the washer before they went to the dryer ? When our son asked if the washer was free. Now, that is not every load, but it happens more than I want to admit  !!!

Life kind of hit us a bit hard the last year. Lots of stuff we had to deal with, my husbands back surgery , leaving six months after his surgury to spend months out of state taking care of his mom until she passed , and then coming back home and he had to finish his PT and get back to work. Now he is  having some more issues , things that should not be happening for years after surgery happening less than a year after, and now he needs tests and we are not sure what else right as we all  had our lives turned upside down with this Covid 19 situation going on world wide. We , like everyone else, saw our lives , and what we loved to do, completely  turn upside down and  go away. It has been a sad and scary time. He has continued to work, so we were very lucky about that. But it was scary too !!

We wasted many weeks really getting not a lot done around the house. Some, because of his back, some because of a lot of rain this spring and some because we were just a bit down due to what all is going on.

We finally woke up and started moving again. We are having to do so much more work on our yard and property than we would have had to  had we kept it up.

My take on that is, just move. Even if you do not have any answers on how to balance your life, just do something. Work on everything important to you, at least a little bit on a regular basis. I cannot promise you that you will ever be organized and balanced. I can tell you though from experience that if you do nothing, things will fall even more behind and even fall apart making it even harder to get back on your feet and balanced. Some things you might never get back to .

What  I plan to do is this. Every day pick what I have to get done that day for sure and something I really want to get done that day.

work on that afghan,

plant some seeds,

weed that flower bed,

make a video

take some pictures,

bake something,

put that laundry in the dryer the fist time,

pick something that needs to get done and do it.

Pick something you really want to get done and do that.

Then, fit in whatever else you can during the day.

I have heard so many options to getting organized.

One young woman who I really respect and seems to actually keep pretty organized says she blocks out her entire day 15 mintues at a time. That is what works for her, and apparently many other people, and  I honestly commend them, but for me …..

No. No. NO, NO !!!

Not an option for me. That would be depressing and sad to have my every minute decided. I would never , ever stick to it. I would be very unhappy with that the first 15 minutes.

My husband early in our marriage wanted to do a planned weekly menu. The taco tuesday, Fish on Friday, Casserole thursday type thing, I told him no, that would be depressing to me to now what I would be eating based on the day of the week. So, 15 minute blocks, oh heck no.

Those things work for some people and if they work for you, I think that is really awesome. It is just not for me.

So, I will keep at it. Work at getting up earlier. I do really think that helps a lot. I will get up each day and work hard to do better than I did the day before. I think that is a goal we can all really work for.

Positive thinking helps.

Vision boards help.

Prayer  helps.

Faith absolutely helps.

Getting up and doing something works.

Just get up and do something. Anything toward your goals.

You have to take it one day at a time.

ONE.    DAY.    AT.    A.   TIME.

Write a list today of EVERYTHING you want to get done  . If you could have a perfect day. What would you accomplish ?

Write it all down in any order, just get it down.

Pick the one that is most important, write a one next to it.

Pick the next most important and put a two next to it,

you get the picture. Put it all on the list. Every single thing you have put off , and put off.

Now, figure , realistically, what can you really get done in that day. Be honest, no cheating, on trying to do more than you should.

What ever is left is the start of tomorrows list. Do that every single day, and it will help. Is it the cure  , is it the answer ? No, but it will help a lot.

I am a big fan of writing things down. Once they are on paper you can actually see them and they become real.

You cannot do,what you do not acknowledge. That is why it all has to go on the list. Even if it takes weeks to get to it, if is on the list and if you keep seeing it, you will eventually get it done to get it off that list.

Am I perfect at this, nope. But I am working hard to get better at it. I have an ongoing list. I am marking it off as I get things done and then starting the next day with a new list leading with what I did not finish the day before.

I am definitely a work in progress. But, the best art takes time and patience and is worth both working towards, and waiting for !!! If you want to be a masterpiece, it will take time and patience. But you can do it.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this subject !!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

Stephie

 

 

I am back and determined

I last posted on this blog three years ago. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still overweight, still seeking who and what I want to be, and still frustrated with where I am at this point.

I am still very happily  married to the same man, going on 39 years later this year. We have four kids but now have three more grand kids. We have a good life, full of love and family. We are still in our old house and planning on working on that as soon as the contractor finishes another job. After 18 years things are going to finally get done around here.

I have been in a weird place lately. The stay at home order has not helped that a bit. I am out of sorts with myself right now. I have been struggling for so many years to figure out who I am and who I want to be. But it finally got unbearable. Weeks and months of watching YouTube videos, and not being productive at all , basicly just doing what I have to do and not much else. I am done with that stage, it is time to move on. Start working toward a goal. Like the ferris wheel in the featured picture, I feel I am going around and around but not really going anywhere.

As a kid I loved to draw, as I got older I wrote a lot of poems and some short stories. I have always loved to write. However over the years I wrote and drew less and less and finally got to the point where I was not doing either at all anymore. I look at the art I created as a young adult and kid and it makes me sad to think where I might have been with my art , and writing had I kept up with it. I just could not figure out how to be a wife, mom, homemaker and writer/ artist.

I will be sixty years old in a couple of weeks and enough is enough. I have filled a craft room full of stuff to distract myself, to the point it is way too much. I just am not even enjoying it right now because deep inside me I know it is not my true calling. I am planning on purging by selling many of the items I have and get it down to stuff I really want to work with, and truely love. Nothing wrong  having a craft room, but I cannot even craft as I cannot store it all.

I do believe the jewelry and crafting was a distraction. Kept me from digging too deep into myself. But you can only bury something for so long and it starts to come back up. We have that situation in our backyard. Our house is almost a hundred years old, we have a ton of broken glass and other objects that were buried many decades ago, and are now coming up through the dirt almost like a crop. You can walk around and find them just sitting on top of the ground. That is where I am right now. The emotions and feelings I have been stuffing down are coming up. I need more than stuff to distract me. I need to get deeper. Those feelings are not going to stay buried and it is not healthy or productive to shove them back down and try to bury them again.

I plan to do a vision board, along with this journaling . I was going to do a traditional journal. Just a book. But I have started and stopped so many of them and I think it is good to look back where you were so you can see your progress. By coming here and journaling, I can do exactly that. They will all be here in chronological order.  If anyone finds this journal and it helps them, makes it even better. I look forward in time to comments and hearing what other people are going through.  I do think we can learn from each other as many of us are going through the same thing.

So, I will be posting a lot, sometimes many times a day, sometimes once a day, and I am hoping not much less than that. I really want to start posting every single day. I will be digging down deep into what I want. Not really sure what I will be writing, but it is just for me. Only I have to really get it. I started this for me, if anyone joins me they are welcome, but I will not change what I am doing , this is about my search for me.

 

Finding my dream …..

I have spent a good part of the last 20 years with beads. All kinds of beadwork. I loved it.

Now I am not sure how I feel and it is a weird feeling.

If I could have had the studio I have today, 20 years ago, the actual room, plus all the amazing and beautiful supplies I have, I would have been over the moon. Even with four kids, I found time and incentive to bead. I had very limited resources back then, for many reasons. Not having a lot left over to play with after bills and food and all the stuff we needed to live. Plus, no internet , that is so crazy to me now, and the craft stores just did not have much variety back then. We had found a store about an hour from home that sold seed beads, so I would save up 30 bucks or so,  and we would take the kids and go look and I would pick some up a few times a year. But sequins, not too many choices but I still enjoyed making pretty things with them, and used clear sequins with an iridescent sparkle over different colored felts to get the colors I wanted.

Yet, I find I am done. The dream defies me. I cannot get excited about the beads anymore. I still love them, cannot imagine getting rid of them,  and last year I fooled myself into thinking I  wanted to work with them by buying a lot of them. I spent way too much money last year on beads, charms , finding just wish I could go back a few years and have not bought any of it. I think I lost the joy in it, by trying to make money doing what I loved. I should have done what I loved and then if I made money, great, but I did it wrong and broke it somehow. I just do not know how to fix it. Do I fake it until I make it, or just walk away for a while and see what happens ?

I am going to be 57 this year and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I have never had a job outside the home, not in almost 30 years. Have no marketable skills and have no desire to work fast food or retail. Right now, at my current weight, which I am working on, it would be miserable for me to be on my feet that many hours anyway.

I have always wanted to write, but other than here on my different blogs, I am not really writing much either. I feel a bit lost . I think part of it is, for the first time in a very long time, I have not been needed on a regular basis to pick up grandkids from school, or babysit anyone. Just occasionally now, and that means once or so a month. I am not used to this. It is nice, but I have to get adjusted to it I suppose !!

My husband and I just started a few weeks ago  on a vegan diet , diet meaning the way that we eat, not to lose  weight and go back to where we were, this is a permanent  lifestyle change and it has been really fun and exciting, but also at times overwhelming and a bit sad . Sad because eating out has always been fun for us, but most of what we went out for, we cannot have any more. There are not many vegan choices in this area .  This is for health reasons, there is no options. My family history and current test results show I have to change how I eat to stay healthy and avoid having to take medications . So, eating vegan is the only way to absolutely not get heart disease and helps prevent many cancers, so here we are.  Thank goodness for the internet and all the wonderful vegan websites and you tube channels that are helping me with recipes and advice. I do not think it would be as easy as it has been, even though it is still difficult, if that makes sense, without the help I have found, and the many books I have found through all of them. I have a stack of great recipe books.

So, here I am, almost in March of our now, not so new year. I am sitting in my close to  my dream studio ,and not sure what to do.

As I said before, I think the last few years of working so very hard and not getting anywhere with my sales, may have taken the passion for the materials I used to adore out of me. I do not know how to get it back. I am a bit sad about it.

So, I am just trying to figure out what I want to do.

For now, that one day at a time saying seems to make sense.

Living in the moment, works too.

I am going to concentrate on the new eating plan. Celebrate each pound lost, and there are many to go, over a 100. Maybe that is what I need to focus on for now. Such a big change, it might need my entire focus for a while.

I guess for now, the thing to do is to concentrate on getting our eating good. Work on exercising , planning good meals and see what things appeal to me over time. The beads will not go bad and I have a lot of grand daughters who can enjoy playing in  here. I can make gifts and stuff for myself. Who knows, in time the passion for the beadwork might come back.

I still have an  order I am working on that excites me, so that is good. I am looking forward to getting back to that project soon !!

Maybe once I start working with her again, I will find my bead passion again. But I am going to keep my eyes open and see what gets me interested. Are there new things that could be fun and I could enjoy doing ?

So, just trying to figure it out. It is just plain weird to not have any interest at all . I am not depressed, or unhappy. Not a bit. On the contrary I feel great and I am very happy. Just not excited about the beads anymore. Maybe this is empty nest for real, even though we have a grown son at home for a short while, I do not have to take care of him, lol !!

I am excited to have time for myself, I need it. But I want to find something to be good at. Not just a jack of all trades, but master of non,  like I am in the beading world. I want to find the thing I can be great at !! I think I tried too many things with the beading and never got truly great at any of it !! Find a dream to pursue !! Learn to be great at something I love to do.

At the very least it is a fresh start with endless possibilities .

If anyone has gone through this, I would love to hear how they got through it !!!

For now, one day at a time !!!

Live in the moment !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

 

A Moms decision

I just read a very interesting and thought-provoking article written by a woman who decided to give up her career to be a stay at home mom when her second child was born.  She loved being with her kids but after almost 20 years of marriage her husband left and now she is struggling. Job in her field, as a writer have dried up and she now cautions women to not give up their careers to raise their kids because all those years later, they could end up like her with no husband, no job, and no current marketable skills.

Many people weighed in and some were very unkind and some had no personal experience to give them the insight to comment on this writers story.

It made me think a lot. I was a stay at home mom. I wanted more than anything to raise our kids and be the one who was there for the first step, or first word and be able to hug and kiss them every day and enjoy being home.

My husband and I had made the decision really without making it. When our second child was born, I simply would not have made enough money to pay child care for two kids, let alone bring home any money over that, as I worked simple minimum wage jobs. I had no real skills, I had our first son at 20 and had not attended college. So, for us, it was a very easy decision. Two more kids followed for a total of four so working outside the home really was not possible for me at that point in time.

I would do what I could to save money, cooked from scratch, sale shopped, couponed when I could, and earned bits of money here and  baby sitting, or doing a craft show. No internet back then, so it was all done the old-fashioned way. From time to time, when a  car broke down, or we needed a bit extra, he would pull a second job. I tried to work a couple of times in the evening, but after all day with the kids and then work at night, I got stressed out and sick and frankly he found it easier on both of us, for him to work a part-time job, I run the house full time and that is what we did.  After a few years when he got into his current field, overtime become more available and he never worked a second job again. I have continued to baby sit and do crafts and yard sales and stuff over the years but now have the internet to help.

My take on this subject has changed over time. I used to think moms should stay home if they can, always recognizing that many could not, even if they wanted to, but if you could, it was more important than extra money.  That being home with your kids is the best thing you can do. Having some of the extras a second income could provide was secondary to making sure you were home with the kids.

Do I still feel that way, yes, to a point. IF, you can stay home, and it is not a financial burden AND you want to stay home, then yes, you should do that if you can. BUT, you need to think real hard about the future when you do. If I could go back and talk to that younger self, I would point out that one day those kids will grow up and put you out of a job. What then ?  What will you do when your kids are grown and what can you do now to prepare for that ?  I would encourage the younger me to go to college, even a class a semester or even one a year, anything so in twenty years I could have had my degree. I would have talked myself into pursuing those part-time evening jobs, even if it was easier for him to work at night, because it would have given me some trail of work experience to use to get a job when the kids were grown. If I had done it longer I would have gotten used to it and it would have benefited me, but since my husband really preferred going to the second job then trying to step in and do the night-time parenting full-time, which he was good at by the way, he just felt it was more seamless if I did that full-time and he did the part-time jobs when needed.

I sit here now, at 53, intelligent and capable, but pretty much  unhireable , except for fast food and retail dept store type jobs. No work skills, no work experience, no degree. Nothing to show for the first half of my life except for the pretty important fact I have four wonderful kids, and now they are married and we have our grandkids. Those are the most important things to have. I know this . I have a great marriage, great kids, great family, that is such a blessing and I am grateful every single day for all of them. I have thanked my husband over and over for the gift of being able to raise our kids. BUT, it is okay to make the choice to have a career and still have a family, I have changed so much in my feelings about that.

BUT, right now , in this moment.

I am bored. I am lonely. I want a purpose to my life. I enjoy time with my husband, and kids, and grandkids, but I have a lot of hours a day to myself. I talk on the phone, blog, make jewelry, take pictures ,do housework and watch a bit of tv,  but not  much during the day , I watch most of my tv in the evenings. I have a full life, no doubt, but it is just not quite enough. I need a personal purpose. Goals of my own. I have no idea what I even want to do anymore. I love doing so many things, photography, writing, jewelry and crafts, yard sales and thrift store shopping, reading and baking, but I am not excellent at any of them. That saying, jack of all trades, master of none, comes to mind. That is me. I am a good amateur photographer, I am a good baker, I can write a bit, even some poetry and I can draw  well . I make some nice pieces of jewelry, but I am not exceptional at any of it.  I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I have never become an expert at anything. I am good at many things, but I want something I can excel at !!

The problem is, I cannot figure out which one is the one I want to be a master of. Do I want to master writing, art, photography, jewelry, baking, what ? I do not know. I am sitting in a place in my life right now where being creative at all is difficult for me, but at the same time necessary for me,  and I am not sure why ? I have enough beads to make thousands of things, yet, no work lately. I have all kinds of wonderful art supplies, never draw anymore. I do take pictures, but nothing really out of the ordinary. Like most photographers I get that one really good one out of thousands, but I have not progressed past a point and shoot camera. I have other interests too, but do nothing about them.

I am 53, and clueless on what to do with my life.

I firmly believe I have half  my life left. I tell everyone I will live to 110, and I plan to work hard to get to that and so does my husband !!! He is amazing and supports me whatever my dream is, and I do the same for him. He is a very talented amateur photographer and stain glass artist , both hobbies.  He is my best friend and when he is home from work, we are together most of the time, unless he is doing something around the house that I am not helping him with, we spend most of the time he is off work doing stuff together. Errands, tv, shopping, taking drives.

He is a happy soul, he should write a book about it. He hardly ever stresses over stuff. Whistles his way through life and is good at that too, and is pretty good-natured most of the time. He is not perfect thank goodness and has  his moments, which I am glad for , he is just a happier than most kind of person, but not in the annoying way, in a genuine and honest way,  but he is playful and fun and jokes and makes me laugh and I am very grateful for him. He lives in the moment like we all should and does not worry about much. He knows I pay the bills and he works and makes the money and leaves all that to me.His choice, he hates taking care of the bills. We do make our financial decisions together and we are a good team. Again, I do have so much to be grateful for and I am and literally thank God for him each and every single day.

BUT, I say BUT again, I need something for me too.  I have to decide what that will be. Should I just focus on keeping the house clean, cooking great meals and have hobbys, or should I work hard to find a passion for myself ? For so long my decisions were based around our four kids and honestly I am still  around ( grand ) kids  a lot. Should I make caring for the grandkids while our kids work my career ? I am so torn with what to do.

I do  know this. I have to be creative. Being an artist is a big part of who I am . I am just having one heck of a time figuring out how to find my path.  I threw my entire self into raising the kids, and no regrets, they are our biggest joy and I would do it all over again,but now I have to find me, that is why I started this blog.

I think a big part of me wants to help other women not have to go through this. Find a way to have their kids, stay home if they really want to and raise them, and still keep themselves. I do not think women need to give up who they are to be a mom but many of us willingly do that very thing.  We fall in love with those little beings and they become our life . We put everything into them and then one day they are on their own. My husband was so wonderful when he told me,  Well, you did your job so well, you worked your way out of a job !! ” What a wonderful compliment  from the father of my kids.

So, reading that article today really made me think again about what I want and need to do. I have been kind of floating along lately, we have moved and had a lot going on and it allowed me to not really think about it all much.

This new year, I am going to focus on me again. What to I want and need to be happy personally. How involved in the grandkids do I want to be ? Do I want to baby sit for the kids instead of getting a job, and can I even get a job ? What am I passionate about, and can I have a career in that ? Real estate and personal finance are two things I am also very interested in, maybe even passionate about, but without a degree, or some college, not an option. So, do I want to go to school ?

I kind of stopped my progress for a while and just let it go. But I cannot do that any longer. I have to do whatever work I have to do, to find me again. It does not matter any more what choices I made and any mistakes I made that hurt me. Our kids are grown, I did a pretty decent job, and if I am going to be fair to myself, an excellent job, even though I was a good mom, we are so hard on ourselves, another issue moms have to  learn to deal with, be proud of themselves and the job you do and not pick your self apart!!  I am proud of  all of our kids and love them so much.  They love me too  and I am proud of the fact I got to stay home and raise them. If I lost myself doing it, I cannot go back and change  it, but I know I have to move forward and find out who I am now. I am not the same girl who started being a stay at home mom at 22 years old. I am 31 years older now and I really have no idea who I am anymore, not really.  I am still a wife, a mom and now a grandma too . I am still an artist and writer, but just need to find my focus and figure out what is my purpose and my passion , what I can do each day that I will love doing and look forward to each day !! I know not everyone can love their lives and their jobs but we can all try to find something we love to do, there is nothing wrong with wanting a purpose driven life. I am blessed to have a husband that works hard and supports us so I can make those choices. I would love to contribute to our household and take a bit of the burden off of him, but that is me, not him. He has his hobbies he loves too, but lately he has not had as much time to spend on his stuff either.

So, anyone reading this, who has not made this choice yet, if and when you get to that fork in the road, if you do choose to stay home with your kids for a while, or their entire childhood, just know that there will be a life after your kids are grown so be sure you balance your time off with your kids with some investment in your own future  .The computer makes it so much easier and I am sure, if I had the luxury of a computer when our kids were young, that would have been a tool that would have helped a lot. Online college, writing, so many options for everyone now, not just stay at home moms, and so much information !!

Sorry for this rambling post. It was just for me to get my thoughts written down. If anyone reads it, I am thrilled !! I would love so much to hear others opinions on this subject and how they handled making this decision  and if they were able to keep themselves intact while they raised their kids and if so, how, and if not, what they are doing to start their next chapter in life . I am also really interesting in hearing stories of moms who chose to work and keep their career while raising their kids !! Are they happy with that decision and how did they work through any feelings of regret if they had them. Moms tend to feel guilty no matter which choice they make and that is one thing I wish we could do for future moms. Give them that choice with no guilt. If you love your kids, and give them what they need, whether you stay home or work, they will be happy and well-adjusted. No more guilt !! You can work and be a great mom. It is just a bit more work for the mom, but extremely  possible. Something I am ashamed to say I never believed back in the day. Pretty arrogant and I am sorry for that. I do not feel that way any longer.

Thanks for stopping by, I always appreciate it !!

 

Getting motivated and getting a plan

We have some wonderful new neighbors at our new house and truely feel we won the neighbor lotto as everyone we have  met on our street is just wonderful !! One family next to us is having some pretty exciting opportunities come thier way  and it is so fun to watch thier dreams coming true . My best girl friend Laurie just got her LVN license, and is on the path to being an RN   which is her dream come true, all of our kids  and thier spouses are starting to really  find thier paths and are doing well, which is so wonderfu land I am so excited to see these wonderful people having great things happen !!!

It made me realize that I am not content just watching them reach thier dreams and have wonderful things happen, I want to have wonderful things happen in my life !!

I have a great life. To borrow a line from a fellow Blogger I folllow, The Dancing professer, I have a dreamy life !! I have a truely wonderful husband who supports anything I want to do. He is not at all upset with me when I have a fun day instead of washing laundry , even if he is really short on socks,  and is truely happy that I had a good day and will throw in a load himself , no compaining, although I really try hard to make sure he has what he needs each day . We honestly love each other and enjoy each others company and after almost 32 years of marriage are really happy together in our marriage and are each others best  friends as well as married.  We share four truely amazing kids and three of them are now married and their spouses  are all like our own kids, we love them so much and they have given us eight grandkids, which are such a blessing !!

Blessings all, and I am so grateful every day for each and every one of those precious beings in my life !!

I have also been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. Some here in person, some friends I have had for life that live in other states as either I  or both of us,  have moved from  where we all knew each other. I have wonderful blogger friends and friends on facebook I have never met. Each one is a blessing and a gift in my life. I enjoy reading the blogs and talking on the phone and keeping up with all these wonderful people.

I have done what I was supposed to do. With considerable help from my hubby  we have raised our four kids to be wonderful and interesting adults that I would want to know even if they were not our kids. We are so proud of them all.

Now, it is my time. I do not want to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines cheering everyone on with no one cheering me. I want to have goals and work hard to make my own celebrations !! Life is so amazing and there are so many wonderful people and places and things to do,  and I want David and I to be able to see the world and meet interesting people and have some fun and interesting experiences !!!

So, it is time for me to start making more plans and then start making them happen.   Both for my personal future, what I want to be now that our  kids are grown up, and for us to make plans for us as a couple now that we do not have to make our plans around kids any longer. And also help my husband with his own plans, give him support to think about what he wants to do. He has supported us our entire marriage and never really give much thought to what woudl make him happy career wise, versus just bringing home money for the family. I want him to be happy every day with what he does , not just have to endure a job the next twenty years. HE works hard in his currrent job, makes good money but it is not his passion, although he is very good at what he does.

MY biggest problem is I am so scattered. I love to do too many things and need to focus on one  or at most two.

I love to write, draw, bead, take pictures, do all kinds of crafts, read, talk on the phone, visit with friends, go to yard sales and thrift shops, although those last few really are not career goals, although the yard sales and thrift stores could be part of a goal.

I have been working on a book for years, time to finish it and figure out what i am going to do with it  publishing wise.

I am also working hard to get off about half my body weight and that is very distracting as well. Going slow, but when you have a metabolism problem, which the endrocinologist said I do, It will just take longer but will happen in time.

So, the big questions is what do I want to do the most ??  I really do not know !!!!

We recently moved into a new(old) house and it is taking so much time to get settled in. I am finally going to have a proper work area in the living room and once that is all done and every thing I own is put away, I know I will be a bit more focused .

Did I mention I also have ADHD from childhood ?  I am constantly having to keep myself on track as I can be distracted off anything I am doing so easily.

They say to figure out what you loved to do as a child to find your true calling. I loved to do kid stuff. Run, jump, play kickball, play with my little animal toys,and for a while Barbies, draw, play with clay, paint, , color, sing, talk and spend time with my friends and play make believe games. Pretty average child stuff. Nothing that really steers me toward a dream or goal.  Kind of the same stuff I love today, except for the Barbies and animal toys, make believe ,  and the  running and jumping thing. But that is not the point !!!  I suppose some make believe in our lives would not be a bad thing, day dreaming is so important and that is what we do as kids, but we act it out !!  I had noticed lately I do not day dream as much as I used to and I do not like that !!

That is what made me start this blog, and I had every intention of writing here often and working hard to figure me out , but then life  just got in the way. It become an occasional thing. But seeing all the happy news around me, and watching the people I like and care about having such fun times and seeing so many dreams starting to come true, it really has  hit me that I have to start moving toward some goals.

I sit in my house way too much. I am living through others, way too much. I deserve, as everyone does, to have dreams and goals and celebrations of my own.

We get married, we have a shower, or showers, the wedding, and that fun time of getting used to being married. Then you have the babies and those showers and then pretty much after that, if you do not keep your personal goals alive, everything is for the kids. Their first day of school. Their graduations and big birthdays, one , ten, sixteen, and  you kind of push your stuff to the back. We did not have a big 25 th wedding anniversary party and that is a shame. We should have. I did not have a big 50th birthday, nor did my husband, we should have.

What is life, if not for celebrating ??

So, I am going to work harder, as I navigate life stuff, setting up this house, babysitting grand kids and celebrating everyone’s goals reached and dreams coming true, and get some goals of my own.

I know some things I want to accomplish.

1 lose the weight that as Oprah put it, is mud in my wings. I do believe that. I am not as bubbly and outgoing as I used to be when I felt pretty and had a thin more agile body. Although still outgoing and friendly, I am less  willing to put myself out there than I used to be.

2, finish my book and get it published and out there.

3. Get my jewelry business profitable. I am very , very proud of the quality of my pieces. I know they are good quality and worth what I ask. I just have to figure out how to get my pieces  promoted better. I am working on it, by  sponsoring a very cute and lovely  blog, showing my items on another  wonderful blog. website,  and putting them on Etsy .com.  Those links, if not on this blog to the right, are on my beading blog, which is on the right.

4. Get our debt paid off so that David has some options. Once we are debt free, except for our houses, they will be ongoing for a while, then we have more options open for doing some of the t hings we are passionate about . Real estate, we have dreamed of owning rental property and finally have one house rented and one we live in. Also , we would love to open a store and rent out booths to crafters and antique dealers. That has been a dream for honestly most of our marriage. We have rented booths and tried that way, but that is not the way to do it. Have others pay the rent and you can sell your stuff with no rental, trying to pay the rent on a booth leaves it harder to make that profit !!  We have to be debt free and maybe willing to live above  that business for a while to get it off the ground, so more things to work towards. This would be a purchased building, so the mortgage and business could be one for a while.

A good start.  Much work to do.

I will work hard on becoming focused. Something my ADHD brain has issues with at times !!!

Thanks for stopping in, I will share as I go !!!

 

some pictures I took in our back yard the other day, great new camera !!! Took a lot more, but will just share a few !!

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Feeling a bit off today, a rambling post !!

I woke up today not feeling quite myself.  Maybe some malaise of the emotional kind, or even a bit morose. I am not sure which. Just not myself.  The last few weeks have been crazy busy and I knew today would be my day from the time I got up until about five thirty with just a few minutes of my husband running in, changing clothes and going out to play racket ball with our son in law.

I thought I would wake up feeling energetic , full of vim and viger, not having to sit today. I have been watching kids all week, and our youngest grand daughter five days a week for the last month or so.

However, I woke up in this blue type mood which is not really me at all.

My question is , why ………?

I think there are a few things responsible.

Not being settled in our new home, despite moving in mid August. I have boxes and boxes of unpacked stuff in the house, let alone what is in the garage. Many projects to do, so much left undone as we have had a lot of things coming up that we had to help our grown kids with and it has put our stuff on hold. No regrets, they needed the help , so that is not a problem in itself.  We always want to be there for our kids.

I think I feel like we are just staying here. It is not our home. I have a mortgage payment due on Oct 1 to prove it IS our home, but it does not feel like it. I cannot find anything I need. I have no place to put anything. I am beyond frustrated.

we moved back  here to our home town, after being an hour away for a year, to be closer to our kids , whom we missed so much and I wanted  to have a better social life as we knew no one up there, and have so far not really gotten to do much with friends. I am still pretty isoloated, but at least I am  seeing our kids and grandkids on a regular basis, the ones in Texas at least, we have two out of state we miss very much as well as their parents.

I cannot seem to focus on anything lately. Beading, photography , finances, writing, reading, cooking, cleaning, housework, going through boxes, you name it. I am just scattered at the time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I am spending too much time on Candy crush, but I play for free, I do not buy those credits to play !!!

I pay the bills, do what has to be done, but that is about it. I am frustrated with myself and my life right now.

Okay , I do want to be clear. I have a great life. I have a husband I love so much, and our kids are amazing and through them we have wonderful in  law kids and precious grandkids. We have a good life and  I have no compaints in that dept. We have a nice home , that we can really update and make really nice and my husband is blessed with a good job !!

I have a great marriage , married to my best friend. We really like each other as friends, as well as being a romantic couple. I have had the luxury of staying home the past 30 years to raise the kids and of late, help watch our grandkids.

So, what could be the problem then ?

I have no damn idea !!  I am working on losing weight. I have to lose about half my body weight in fat, that is embarrassing to admit. I need to get in better shape fitness wise. I am still pretty strong and doing pretty good despite my weight, but I want to be better than good. I want to be strong and very healthy. But this is not the reason for my feelings. I am working on it, I know I will get there.

I just feel a bit blue today.

I think I need to find people to do stuff with. I have no one I can get out with on a regular basis and have fun.  My dear friend here in Texas, used to be my constant companion  years ago when our kids were in school and we would hang out together. Not any more. she just got her LVN and is looking for a job. Soon she will be working full time and any time we have gotten to spend together , which since I have moved back has not been as much as I thought it would be,  will be gone. she is in a differant stage of l ife than I am. Ten  years  younger. Wants to party, go to bars and hang out with friends and play pool. That is not who I am and so she does not even bother to invite me anymore.  I told her we are growing apart, she is changing, I am still the way I was , but her life has changed. Her kids grew up and she is wanting to play. She swears we are not growing apart, but I have been through this with another dear friend and I know it is coming. We will always stay in touch, get together from time to time. but she has new friends that do like to party and go to play pool and do not  mind smoky bars. I am not against bars and drinking, but bars are not really my thing and I drink very rarely. It is just not something I care for.  At t his point in her life, she wants to drink socially and have fun. I want to hang out at home, , or  go out and eat, sit and talk, go to yard sales, thirft stores or even window shop at Target, but not go to play pool and party. My hubby and I have never been partiers even when we were young. It is just not our thing !!  I miss the times I spent with my friend and I probably am grieving losing the friendship we had. the one we will have moving forward, it is not the same friendship we had shared for a decade. It just isn’t , she just does not want to admit it at this point.

I would love to find other creative people to hang out with. People who love to bead and do crafts .  Maybe even writers, or artists, My age preferably . I have some amazing friends my age but they are all in other states. I love them dearly, and we talk and keep in touch through  phone calls, emails and facebook. But I want people to hang out with. Go to yard sales with, garage sales, be creative with !!

I love doing many of those things with my hubby and when he worked second shift , or his rotating 12 hour shift, we got many weekdays to go out and have fun. Take pictures, go to antique stores, thrift stores, and yard sales. Make stuff for the yard together and for a while we even had an antique booth together. He works day shift now mostly six day a week work weeks,  and gets home when all those venues are closed. I could go by myself, but it is just not the same experience . Holding up some ugly or rediculous thing you find to get the other persons reaction, showing off treasures as you find them. You cannot do that by yourself. I have tried going alone, it is sad.

So, please excuse my poor poor pitiful me day, that is not really how I feel but I know that is how it sounds. It is more a bit of sadness and boredom and frustration. Not knowing what to do to fix the issue. I have tried to make new friends. I have met interesting people and after a fun conversation have  given them my number, and they seem intersted in getting together, but I have never one time gotten a call, or an offer of thier number. I guess most people have plenty of friends. I could think there is something wrong with me, and I have at times . but I really do not think that is it. I am a normal person, not scary or weird, lol, just your average person who  loves to talk and do things with others. I just think by fifty , most people have more friends than they need. Work friends, church friends, school friends they kept for life. They just do not need another friend.

My husband does not work in a place where he can really find people to hang out with from work. Pure and simple, he really would not care to hang out with many of the people he works with and the ones he would, have too much to do and are not really free to get together or work opposite shifts from him.  I do not work, so no work friends for me. No kids in school so no meeting people that way.  We are not church goers so that is out. I love God and pray, but church is not my thing. I do not like having to watch what a say all the time and worrying about a bad word, yes, I do swear at times, and I have tried to stop it so many times, but to no avail.  I am a work in progress !!

So, it is really frustrating to want some friends, to really want a group of women to hang out with, and get together with maybe once a week , like you see in the movies and tv, and not be able to do that. I think I am friendly and give a good impression There is no real reason I can think of that no one calls me except that they already have full lives with plenty of friends and do not need another one.

I even tried the Red Hats, which our daughter in law found hilarious. but never got an answer from the group in my area.  Not sure I could prance around in red and purple anyway, so maybe it is a good thing  they never got back to me ! Okay, stop laughing Melissa, lol, !!!

How do you create the life you want ? I feel like the women in Rebas song, is there life out there ? I do not want to leave, I am just wondering if there is life out there ?  There is so much I have not done, so much I want to try.   I am just so frustrated.

I started this blog in the hopes I would  meet other women struggling to find themselves too. I would love to hear from people who have been down this road and found some answers.

If you are struggling too, maybe we can help each other !!

I am basicly happy. I have a wonderful amazing life with a wonderful amazing man I love like crazy,  who takes very good care of me and loves me the way I am and encourages anything I want to do or try !! I raised four kids with him that are fabulous adults I enjoy spending time with. BUT, now it is time for me to find out what I want. LIke my blog title says. It is time to be me, but who in the heck is me , I just do not know any more, and do not understand how to find out. I am not sure I got to know who I  was before life took me over. Marriage , motherhood, and so on. Life is like a river that just sort of sweeps you away and when you finally are able to get out , and climb up the banks, you have no idea of were you were going or what you wanted to do when you fell  in  !!

I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel just fine again. These days happen from time to time. I am still looking for clues, something to get me on the right path so I can start looking for where I need to be. I am only 53, I have many  decades left to live and do something great with my life, I just have to figure out what that could be ?

Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent. Not sure how many people really read this, but just writing it down makes me feel better and that is the other reason I started this blog. The light below , I took this picture years ago, says go , but I just have to figure out where !!!

Thanks so much,

 

April 2011 Stephenville and misc 400

 

On going journey

I posted recentlyl about how lost I am and how I am trying to figure out who I am , and what happened to me.

Not too long after posting that post, I got an invitation from a local media personality with whom I had interacted with on her facebook page,  to attend a symposium on empowering women. It was a huge eye opener for sure.

This was very out of my comfort zone. Me. Alone. Large group of women I do not know.  I did it though and for that I am proud of myself. I went in with zero expectations , not knowing what to expect. I knew this person hosting and a couple of other speakers would be trying thier best to inspire and  help us to find power within ourselves.

I learned some interersting things. Only 4 percent of the population are doing what they were born to do. I am not sure how anyone came up with that figure, but if it true, sad.  I think it was kind of ironic that Dove Soap announced in thier most recent ad  that only  4 percent of women around the world think they are beautiful. Both are sad statisics. Strange that they are the same.

some of the advice we were given was

Do your destiny

Lets do this thing

I live by, do something, even if it is wrong,

take action, a plan without action is only a wish

verbalize it, say it outloud to yourself , tell someone else.

Do what you say you are going to do.

Visualize it. Picture joy in the end result.

Don’t be fearless, just fear less

Be courageous, determined and resolute

Never give up

Surround yourself with good people

seek wise councel

Start right where you are.

Do it for yourself.

Do it because you love it

Think outside the box

Take the first step

balance is the key

do it with excellence

We were asked a lot of questions

What do I want for ME

What is the one thing, you have always wanted to do ?

What is holding you back ?

What gets your heart rate going ?

More inspirational quotes,

be in the moment

Do it afraid

go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

think about what things are most important to you.

then more questions

What gives you meaning in life,

What are the principals and actions that guide your decisions

more quotes

You were made for more

We each have a higher purpose

You were made to leave a mark

We are what we think we are. Identify your obstacles

As yourself how much do I want this  ?

Identify with your goal.

A lot of great quotes,  and I truely enjoyed what all three of these ladies had to say.

The problem is, when you have lost yourself, you are not even in a place to ask yourself these kinds of questions.

How in the heck do I do my destiny when I have no clue what it is ? I have no damn clue.   None . At . All .

What thing are we supposed to do, IF we are struggling to find WHO we are ?

Doing something, even if it is wrong. Obviously many of us are doing the wrong thing, that does not help. If you keep doing wrong things in the hope you will do the right eventually, that does not work. Another saying comes to mind, I believe it was Einstien that said it,  definition of Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differant outcome . How many of us do this exact thing ? We think it is us trying to make something happen. We are not supposed to give up. We are supposed to pursue our dreams !! When the dreams do not come true, we might still keep going, just thinking, this time I will make it !! But it never works. Unless it does, and then you got what you wanted and that is really awesome and wonderful, but for most of us, it does not work out that way.

How are you supposed to take action or visualize something that you do not even know ? How can I visualize an outcome when I cannot figure out that outcome ?
I am a huge believer in the law of attraction, but to attract it you have to know what you want so you can think about it and attract it !!

I would love to be courageous. That sounds so powerful. BE COURAGEOUS  !!! BE DETERMINED !! BE RESOLUTE !! Please tell me what that means. I really have no clue at all.

The logical song comes to mind.

It starts out, telling how wonderful and magical life was when he was young, but then he was sent away to become responsible and dependable and at one point in the song he asks to be told what he has learned and as absurb as it seems, can you tell him who he is ? I am not quoiting directly because I am not sure I can legally, but look up the song lyrics, I have heard it recently on the oldies channel and it struck a chord with me.

We start out small kids. Well, babies, and we see the world so magicly. Wonder, joy, amazment, everything is new, wonderful, awesome, and insipring. We start to build dreams, often big , wonderful dreams , and then we become adults and we are told we have to be practical. be moms, ( dads, but I am writing about women here ) , pay the bills, get a job, grow up !! There is no time for nonsense.

So, most of us take it to heart. We get jobs, we put those childhood dreams away. We forget about them  and go to college, if we are lucky, ( I never got to go to college )  work, get married, have kids and do all the right things. And that wonderful, creative, happy, joyful child  in us,  dies a little inside .

I used to love to play games. I spent hours as a kid running in the front yard, kickball, soccer, hopscotch, monopoly, aggravation, the game of  life, and so one. We had our four  kids and when the family  would all  get together for parties, I never got to play. I had to watch the kids. Keep my eyes on four kids and make sure they were all okay. My hubby played croquet , or whatever they were playing. I know he never understood why I would not play. He is a good husband and father, but moms are moms and moms worry. He finally convinced me the kids would be fine, relax and stop worrying and a half hour later, a stranger walked up to the door with our then 18 month old youngest son, letting us know they found him in the middle of the street. Oh dear God. I was beside myself. How he even got out of the house/ yard , we have no clue. After that, it was over. I was not ever going to take my eye off of them again. What every playfulness I had left , was gone. I was a mom, I had to watch the kids, period. That scared me half to dealth. My baby. What could have happened.

Now, obviously within a few years, they were all big enough to not worry about anymore By the time our baby was eight and the oldest was 16 I could have relaxed and not been so nervous, but now it was routine.  This was my job.

Now fast forward to today. Empty nest. None at home.The four kids range from  23 to 32 years old. No more excuses, I obviously do not have to watch them anymore. I do not know how to play any longer. It is buried in me. I know it is in there. But it is buried deep. Add that to the fact I have lost my dreams, and I have lost who I am. It is a hot mess.

I really enjoyed the symposium. They meant well. One lady was leading our table in discussion. I had a turn to talk and she asked me a bunch of questions. I suppose she got frustrated with my answers, she cut me off and went to the next person. The ironic thing is, this woman claims to be passionate about helping stay at home moms not lose them selves. WHAT? So, she takes a stay at home mom who HAS lost themselves and proceed to make her feel pretty bad. I could have been a great resource for her. I am the poster child of what she wants young women  to avoid, yet she made me feel kind of bad. I tried to not let it bother me and continued to participate, but she never gave me a turn to answer a question again.  She is a never married, never had children , around 40ish woman. No offense, but what in the hell does she know about what moms and housewives are going through if she is not willing to listen to even one who is struggling ? I told her get them while they are young, maybe they will not go through what I am going through. that was BEFORE  my incident with her and the questions. This woman also wrote a book about living your greatest life. Hmm, just saying……

I came home from this event kind of in a funky mood. I am very overweight, no  job, let alone career. I could not relate to most of these women in any way and they could not relate to me. A lot of weathy socialite women were there. Business women, career women, business owners.

I need someone to ask real questions. Not give me a bunch of inspiring quotes. I have been collecting quotes for years. They really do not help much.
I know all of those women mean well. I have no doubt in my mind all three of our speakers mean very well. But they ALL have careers and dreams they are living . They DO NOT understand the frustration and sometimes hopelessness women can go through  when they no longer have a focus in thier life. They have worked thier way out of a job, raising kids that are off on thier own and do not need them anymore. It is a hard place to be in. All of thier focus has been making sure their kids are okay, making sure the kids have what they need, not much thought as to what they need. The kids were thier career so to speak, but they get a very early retirement, with no pay and  a life time of experience that does not help them to get a job.

So, step one for me, get a car. I cannot sit at home any longer. I am beginning to be fearful to go places alone and without a car , I cannot !!

So, we did. My hubby wanted me to have a car and an opportunity for a great deal came along last night, just days after this event, and he bought me a beautiful car !!

I went out today. I went to Hobby Lobby to see if they are hiring, but they are not. Next week I will try a new place every day. I then went to Target for a crock pot and a gift and card I needed , and then to Alberstsons for some sale meat ,no really  exciting, but I enjoyed it. It was exciting to me.

As I was wandering around Target, my first time out alone  in a couple of years,  I am dead serious, my first time alone in a store,  driven there  by myself in a couple of years. I remembered a card posted on facebook, and I thought it expressed how I felt in that moment.

I am currently unsupervised !! I know, it freaks me out too !! But the possibilities are endless !!

So, I wish instead of well intentioned quotes, some of the motivational speakers would give us real steps to finding ourselves. THAT would  be movtivating to me !!

I do not want to leave the impression my life sucks. It does not. I am lucky to have a fabulous, loving and supportive husband and four amazing kids and we have three in law kids and seven grandkids. I have friends and I have some hobbies and interests. I laugh, and I live and I love.  I  do however need more. I need somthing of my own to be passionate about. I need a direction. My hubby is not responsible for my happiness, my kids and grandkids and in law kids are not repsonsible for my happiness, and neither are my friends. That is completely up to me.

I need a purpose, a drive !! Something to pull me out of bed in the mornings, excited to get involved and work on that thing !!

So, the journey continues. It is my journey, I have to take the steps. I just have to figure out which direction I need to head towards, once I have that, the rest will be pretty easy !!

Please share your insights, I think we all can learn from each others journeys. We need to share !! This journey is so important. We ALL desereve to be happy and fullfilled and passionate about something in our lives. That child is still in me, I just have to figure out how to rescue her. She deserves to be freed from the prison I put her in, and the fact I did bury that part of me, makes me so sad.

Thanks for stopping by !!

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