Where did I go, who do I want to be ?

I am really trying to figure out what direction I want to go . I always loved reading and writing , drawing and all kinds of arts and crafts. As a child I drew for hours and hours ,and I wrote short stories, and lots of poetry as I got older.

However, I find , like many people, the modern world has taken me over. I tend to watch videos and not read. Make YouTube videos instead of blogging, or even writing poetry or writing much of anything.

I have started several books over my life that never got finished.

I am not happy about any of this.

I mainly stopped my writing when our kids came along. I did not have the place to go to be quiet and write with four kids. I regret now , not making the time for my writing and my art. I regret not trying harder to find that quiet place or even time when the kids were sleeping or busy. I look at what I did forty years ago and have so much regret that I left it all in the past.

My problem now is trying to get back to it. Finding a way to quiet my mind and write again. Finding the desire to draw again. I make jewelry, I do YouTube videos, and those are things that keep me busy but do not really feed my soul like writing does. Same with my art, I love making jewelry, but drawing was a passion my entire childhood and early adult hood and now, how do I find my way back ? Can you get that feeling back once you have lost it ?

I find I spend way too much time watching other people live their lives on YouTube, that am not really living mine. I am not really sure how to change it. I do want to, but seem to be powerless to turn the tide so to speak. I have learned how to be entertained and seem trapped by it.

I am not as hooked by Facebook and Instagram and those type of things. I do get on them, but they do not have a big hold on me. I really only keep them to see the pictures our kids post of their families honestly. I mostly share memes that I find inspiring or funny, really not much of substance.

Right now we just started some updating in our family room/kitchen and I am excited to get those things finished. We have been in limbo for many years in those two rooms that I spend a big part of my day in and are outdated, dingy and unfinished. I am hoping that seeing some of these changes will help me to get more inspired to start changing myself and finding out what really inspires me, what I really want to do. I know seeing our home not looking its best has had some negative effects on me. It is hard to be in a space you find ugly and are unhappy with. So, I am going to come here more often and write and try to figure out a way back to that girl I was. I am older, have more life experience, have raised four kids and I am now a grandmother. A lot of things have changed since I walked away from my artistic side. I have more life experiences and hopefully I can find more to inspire me .

I think it will probably come down to that fake it till you make it thing “they” talk about. Just start writing. Pick up my art supplies and just start drawing or using water colors again. Just do it and see how I feel and what comes of it. I am out of practice, rusty.

There is a thing called Nanowrimo for writers that happens a few times a year. I think I may do it in November which is the next one . I need to do something to push myself out of my comfort zone and start stretching those writing muscles again.

So, that is what I am up to. Kind of spinning in circles for the most part. Not quite doing my diet , not really getting either of my channels on track, not really getting anything listed online, and trying to get organized and get the house fixed up which is a huge undertaking and a bit overwelming.

I do not want to live a life half lived, I want to live a creative, fun, colorful and alive life. I want to be the person I always wanted to be. I just have to figure out who that is ,and what version of that me is the one I want to see as my future me !!!

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