I am back and determined

I last posted on this blog three years ago. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still overweight, still seeking who and what I want to be, and still frustrated with where I am at this point.

I am still very happily  married to the same man, going on 39 years later this year. We have four kids but now have three more grand kids. We have a good life, full of love and family. We are still in our old house and planning on working on that as soon as the contractor finishes another job. After 18 years things are going to finally get done around here.

I have been in a weird place lately. The stay at home order has not helped that a bit. I am out of sorts with myself right now. I have been struggling for so many years to figure out who I am and who I want to be. But it finally got unbearable. Weeks and months of watching YouTube videos, and not being productive at all , basicly just doing what I have to do and not much else. I am done with that stage, it is time to move on. Start working toward a goal. Like the ferris wheel in the featured picture, I feel I am going around and around but not really going anywhere.

As a kid I loved to draw, as I got older I wrote a lot of poems and some short stories. I have always loved to write. However over the years I wrote and drew less and less and finally got to the point where I was not doing either at all anymore. I look at the art I created as a young adult and kid and it makes me sad to think where I might have been with my art , and writing had I kept up with it. I just could not figure out how to be a wife, mom, homemaker and writer/ artist.

I will be sixty years old in a couple of weeks and enough is enough. I have filled a craft room full of stuff to distract myself, to the point it is way too much. I just am not even enjoying it right now because deep inside me I know it is not my true calling. I am planning on purging by selling many of the items I have and get it down to stuff I really want to work with, and truely love. Nothing wrong  having a craft room, but I cannot even craft as I cannot store it all.

I do believe the jewelry and crafting was a distraction. Kept me from digging too deep into myself. But you can only bury something for so long and it starts to come back up. We have that situation in our backyard. Our house is almost a hundred years old, we have a ton of broken glass and other objects that were buried many decades ago, and are now coming up through the dirt almost like a crop. You can walk around and find them just sitting on top of the ground. That is where I am right now. The emotions and feelings I have been stuffing down are coming up. I need more than stuff to distract me. I need to get deeper. Those feelings are not going to stay buried and it is not healthy or productive to shove them back down and try to bury them again.

I plan to do a vision board, along with this journaling . I was going to do a traditional journal. Just a book. But I have started and stopped so many of them and I think it is good to look back where you were so you can see your progress. By coming here and journaling, I can do exactly that. They will all be here in chronological order.  If anyone finds this journal and it helps them, makes it even better. I look forward in time to comments and hearing what other people are going through.  I do think we can learn from each other as many of us are going through the same thing.

So, I will be posting a lot, sometimes many times a day, sometimes once a day, and I am hoping not much less than that. I really want to start posting every single day. I will be digging down deep into what I want. Not really sure what I will be writing, but it is just for me. Only I have to really get it. I started this for me, if anyone joins me they are welcome, but I will not change what I am doing , this is about my search for me.

 

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