What to do with me ?

Lately I have really been struggling with what I want to do. I feel a bit overwelmed at times and want to do everything and end up doing nothing.

I thought in my fifties kids would be beh ind me and I would be concentrating on what I want to do and be but I find I am taking care of kids f ull time again and it is making hard for me to know what it is I really want for me. I guess the s itting distracts me from spending time thinking about what I want.  

I am grateful I have the kids to watch, they are here in Texas and not in Calif. I would have wanted them to move here even knowing how much it would mean in changing my life and how much I would have to give up. but I cannot live in limbo until they are on thier own, it could be as much as another year, or as little as six months, I am not sure, but I am sure of the fact I have to figure this out. I would not change things, I would do it all over again, I just wish I had been more prepared.

I enjoy writing but when I am sitting it is impossible becuase four year olds need you every ten minutes it seems, lol ! This makes concentrating on what you are doing, very difficult. Even on my days off, I find myself sitting more times than not for at least a few hours between the  grand kids. I know once both the Daddies are home that will free up a lot more of my time, but that is a few months away and for now, I am the only one can can help our girls.

I do not really mind, but I do know it makes it very hard to figure out what I want to do.

I love to write, I love to make jewelry, I love to take photos, and I used to really enjoy drawing . i Have a ton of art supplies so I know deep inside I want to draw again.  I have my locker hooking, my crocheting and my felt work and my angels, my fimo clay and denim paper,  so many things to do.

I cannot seem to get our room organized and I think that is a big part of my problem. I never really feel like anything is put away and it makes it very hard to be creative. I do not mind creative mess, but it seems I have papers and things that need homes and there is no room.

I have found menopause has made this even more difficult with weeks that leave me so tired and wiped out with no motivation to do anything and that makes me even more frustrated.

So, I have to figure out how to balance things. Get organized for one. Find time for excercise and time to do all the t hings I love to do and enjoy doing them. I spend much too much time in front of this computer doing nothing of value and watching tv. I have started reading again, which is good, and bad, bad because it is another way to escape from doing something creative and productive in my day. Escape reading is something I have done all my life at times.

So, I guess that is what I need to do, figure out how to get organized first and then go from there. I seem to move the same piles around the room and I am really tired of it. Being a lifetime ADD  it seems that papers are my biggest issue. If they do not have a clear place to live I struggle with them. I probably need to throw more of them away !!

anyway, just needed to vent. I am very frustrated with myself lately. I actually have a lot more self confidence then I ever have before, and even though my weight issues are still with me and pretty bad, my self worth is getting better, I am accepting myself for who I am, and not how I look but this disorganization and inable to focus on what I want to do, frustrates the heck out of me !! I want to be the best I can be, and I suppose just do not know where to start !!  I know the weight and clutter are tied too, so I need to make them both a priority or niether one will ever get solved.

Well, I guess I am going to grab that pile of stuff and be ruthless and see if I can take care of the clutter and go from there.  I want to really start being creative in whatever ways I feel like each day, and I think the clutter is  number one in keeping me from that. Tackling it will be hard, but in honesty, it is only a couple of piles of papers and a pile of stuff, certainly I can get a handle on that !! It does not sound like much but when you have a bedroom that is your bedroom, office, jewelry and craft studio and storage area, add a small fridge and a tv , it is a lot in a tiny room.  it is a big c hallenge for sure to do all this stuff in one tiny room !!

Well, that is all I wanted to do, to think out loud and vent a bit. I will post pictures of our clean room when I get done !! Now it is time to focus !!!


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