Feeling a bit off today, a rambling post !!

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I woke up today not feeling quite myself.  Maybe some malaise of the emotional kind, or even a bit morose. I am not sure which. Just not myself.  The last few weeks have been crazy busy and I knew today would be my day from the time I got up until about five thirty with just a few minutes of my husband running in, changing clothes and going out to play racket ball with our son in law.

I thought I would wake up feeling energetic , full of vim and viger, not having to sit today. I have been watching kids all week, and our youngest grand daughter five days a week for the last month or so.

However, I woke up in this blue type mood which is not really me at all.

My question is , why ………?

I think there are a few things responsible.

Not being settled in our new home, despite moving in mid August. I have boxes and boxes of unpacked stuff in the house, let alone what is in the garage. Many projects to do, so much left undone as we have had a lot of things coming up that we had to help our grown kids with and it has put our stuff on hold. No regrets, they needed the help , so that is not a problem in itself.  We always want to be there for our kids.

I think I feel like we are just staying here. It is not our home. I have a mortgage payment due on Oct 1 to prove it IS our home, but it does not feel like it. I cannot find anything I need. I have no place to put anything. I am beyond frustrated.

we moved back  here to our home town, after being an hour away for a year, to be closer to our kids , whom we missed so much and I wanted  to have a better social life as we knew no one up there, and have so far not really gotten to do much with friends. I am still pretty isoloated, but at least I am  seeing our kids and grandkids on a regular basis, the ones in Texas at least, we have two out of state we miss very much as well as their parents.

I cannot seem to focus on anything lately. Beading, photography , finances, writing, reading, cooking, cleaning, housework, going through boxes, you name it. I am just scattered at the time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I am spending too much time on Candy crush, but I play for free, I do not buy those credits to play !!!

I pay the bills, do what has to be done, but that is about it. I am frustrated with myself and my life right now.

Okay , I do want to be clear. I have a great life. I have a husband I love so much, and our kids are amazing and through them we have wonderful in  law kids and precious grandkids. We have a good life and  I have no compaints in that dept. We have a nice home , that we can really update and make really nice and my husband is blessed with a good job !!

I have a great marriage , married to my best friend. We really like each other as friends, as well as being a romantic couple. I have had the luxury of staying home the past 30 years to raise the kids and of late, help watch our grandkids.

So, what could be the problem then ?

I have no damn idea !!  I am working on losing weight. I have to lose about half my body weight in fat, that is embarrassing to admit. I need to get in better shape fitness wise. I am still pretty strong and doing pretty good despite my weight, but I want to be better than good. I want to be strong and very healthy. But this is not the reason for my feelings. I am working on it, I know I will get there.

I just feel a bit blue today.

I think I need to find people to do stuff with. I have no one I can get out with on a regular basis and have fun.  My dear friend here in Texas, used to be my constant companion  years ago when our kids were in school and we would hang out together. Not any more. she just got her LVN and is looking for a job. Soon she will be working full time and any time we have gotten to spend together , which since I have moved back has not been as much as I thought it would be,  will be gone. she is in a differant stage of l ife than I am. Ten  years  younger. Wants to party, go to bars and hang out with friends and play pool. That is not who I am and so she does not even bother to invite me anymore.  I told her we are growing apart, she is changing, I am still the way I was , but her life has changed. Her kids grew up and she is wanting to play. She swears we are not growing apart, but I have been through this with another dear friend and I know it is coming. We will always stay in touch, get together from time to time. but she has new friends that do like to party and go to play pool and do not  mind smoky bars. I am not against bars and drinking, but bars are not really my thing and I drink very rarely. It is just not something I care for.  At t his point in her life, she wants to drink socially and have fun. I want to hang out at home, , or  go out and eat, sit and talk, go to yard sales, thirft stores or even window shop at Target, but not go to play pool and party. My hubby and I have never been partiers even when we were young. It is just not our thing !!  I miss the times I spent with my friend and I probably am grieving losing the friendship we had. the one we will have moving forward, it is not the same friendship we had shared for a decade. It just isn’t , she just does not want to admit it at this point.

I would love to find other creative people to hang out with. People who love to bead and do crafts .  Maybe even writers, or artists, My age preferably . I have some amazing friends my age but they are all in other states. I love them dearly, and we talk and keep in touch through  phone calls, emails and facebook. But I want people to hang out with. Go to yard sales with, garage sales, be creative with !!

I love doing many of those things with my hubby and when he worked second shift , or his rotating 12 hour shift, we got many weekdays to go out and have fun. Take pictures, go to antique stores, thrift stores, and yard sales. Make stuff for the yard together and for a while we even had an antique booth together. He works day shift now mostly six day a week work weeks,  and gets home when all those venues are closed. I could go by myself, but it is just not the same experience . Holding up some ugly or rediculous thing you find to get the other persons reaction, showing off treasures as you find them. You cannot do that by yourself. I have tried going alone, it is sad.

So, please excuse my poor poor pitiful me day, that is not really how I feel but I know that is how it sounds. It is more a bit of sadness and boredom and frustration. Not knowing what to do to fix the issue. I have tried to make new friends. I have met interesting people and after a fun conversation have  given them my number, and they seem intersted in getting together, but I have never one time gotten a call, or an offer of thier number. I guess most people have plenty of friends. I could think there is something wrong with me, and I have at times . but I really do not think that is it. I am a normal person, not scary or weird, lol, just your average person who  loves to talk and do things with others. I just think by fifty , most people have more friends than they need. Work friends, church friends, school friends they kept for life. They just do not need another friend.

My husband does not work in a place where he can really find people to hang out with from work. Pure and simple, he really would not care to hang out with many of the people he works with and the ones he would, have too much to do and are not really free to get together or work opposite shifts from him.  I do not work, so no work friends for me. No kids in school so no meeting people that way.  We are not church goers so that is out. I love God and pray, but church is not my thing. I do not like having to watch what a say all the time and worrying about a bad word, yes, I do swear at times, and I have tried to stop it so many times, but to no avail.  I am a work in progress !!

So, it is really frustrating to want some friends, to really want a group of women to hang out with, and get together with maybe once a week , like you see in the movies and tv, and not be able to do that. I think I am friendly and give a good impression There is no real reason I can think of that no one calls me except that they already have full lives with plenty of friends and do not need another one.

I even tried the Red Hats, which our daughter in law found hilarious. but never got an answer from the group in my area.  Not sure I could prance around in red and purple anyway, so maybe it is a good thing  they never got back to me ! Okay, stop laughing Melissa, lol, !!!

How do you create the life you want ? I feel like the women in Rebas song, is there life out there ? I do not want to leave, I am just wondering if there is life out there ?  There is so much I have not done, so much I want to try.   I am just so frustrated.

I started this blog in the hopes I would  meet other women struggling to find themselves too. I would love to hear from people who have been down this road and found some answers.

If you are struggling too, maybe we can help each other !!

I am basicly happy. I have a wonderful amazing life with a wonderful amazing man I love like crazy,  who takes very good care of me and loves me the way I am and encourages anything I want to do or try !! I raised four kids with him that are fabulous adults I enjoy spending time with. BUT, now it is time for me to find out what I want. LIke my blog title says. It is time to be me, but who in the heck is me , I just do not know any more, and do not understand how to find out. I am not sure I got to know who I  was before life took me over. Marriage , motherhood, and so on. Life is like a river that just sort of sweeps you away and when you finally are able to get out , and climb up the banks, you have no idea of were you were going or what you wanted to do when you fell  in  !!

I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel just fine again. These days happen from time to time. I am still looking for clues, something to get me on the right path so I can start looking for where I need to be. I am only 53, I have many  decades left to live and do something great with my life, I just have to figure out what that could be ?

Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent. Not sure how many people really read this, but just writing it down makes me feel better and that is the other reason I started this blog. The light below , I took this picture years ago, says go , but I just have to figure out where !!!

Thanks so much,

 

April 2011 Stephenville and misc 400

 

Moving ………..

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Moving is a big event. It does not matter if it is accross town or accross the country !! We have done both and although the move accross country reguires a bit more thought, you still have to pack every single thing you own up into boxes and move it to another location.

This move is no exception. Going through stuff we just unpacked a little over a year ago and now we are packing it up again. I have no regrets about the short stay. We had to try living near my husbands work. We had talked about it for years and cutting that hour drive down to 15 minutes was something we just wanted to experience.

This 14 months in our lovely apartment was fun, more at first. Being alone for the first time in over 30 years was pretty exciting !!!  We got married with our oldest son already  born and we were  not living together, we each lived with our parents,  so we passed him back and forth between us until our wedding day, and so we had never lived alone in our then 31 years of marriage. So, it was fun to spend time just by ourselves. It was a time that would really showcase our marriage . We have always been close and been best friends , not just husband and wife. But now, no distractions , just us. We loved it. It was fun. We are happy living alone BUT soon discovered we did not like living so far away from the kids and grandkids. Not at all. So, we are in the process of moving back down by our kids. Our youngest son, who lives about an hour from the town we are moving back to, will join us in November. He is in school and his room mate is moving and he needs a break from all the responsibility  of trying to go to school, work and pay bills. He has done wonderful, but it is time for him to come home for a while. So, we will have about three months in the new house and then he will join us , and that will be a new adventure. We have not lived with each other since he turned 20 and now he will be moving home four years later at 24. LIving on his own caused him to start college a lot later than he had wanted to, but he is going now and even more focused than ever on his goals. How fun to have us all together for the holidays !! Our oldest son is in Seattle with the army, so he , his wife and kids are far away, and that will be hard. He was gone last year, in Korea, but we at least had his wife and two kids here for the holidays, which never makes up for him being gone, but is a lovely consolation prize. We love our daughter in law like our own daughter and enjoyed the time with her and the kids !! They had come here after three years in upstate NY. We will have our two daughers, their families and our younger son all together in the same town for the holidays which I cannot wait for !! I wish we could all be together but we have nine more years until our son retires and then we can enjoy his family AND him being home every holiday !!

I have gotten a bit off topic, but that is sometimes how blogging goes !!

Anyway, it has been a lot of work but also fun to go through everything and pack it up. The packing is not fun, but seeing what we have and organizing it as we pack has been good.  The only problem is, this is not all our stuff !! We are blessed to already own a house in the town we are moving back to and it is being rented by our oldest daughter and her family. Most of our stuff is still stored on that property. We have a large barn storage building. A workshop building and a large garden shed. They are all pretty full. So, once settled in the house we are buying. A nice , pretty  1964 home. We have to start going through everything we own and figure out what in the world we are going to do with it all !!

So, our journey is on going even after the move. Right now we are in the fun part ,( NOT !!! )  finishing escrow, waiting for our final approval and time  for the closing, which is  scheduled for this Friday. Then we have to find out when the seller will be out, when we can move in and the fun begins !!!

So, I am trying to stay calm when I want to panic a bit !! It seems like a lot to do in the next less then two weeks. We have to hand in the keys to this apartment on Aug 11. Two weeks from yesterday !! So, on top of the move, we have to  clean, patch holes, change stuff we changed to ours, like the shower head, back to theirs and take down the celing fan we put in and put their flat  cover back over the hole. Touch of paint, practically paint the entire kitchen because this complex decided it was a good idea to paint the kitchen with flat paint so when you cook every splatter causes a stain on the wall no matter how hard I scrub it !!  We have to steam clean too as they put in an awful shag carpet that matts down as you walk on it so the only way to make it look good again before we move is going to be shampoo it. One more thing on the list !!

The packing is all but done. The ceiling fan comes down today when my husband comes home from work. We will start removing pictures and patching the walls. Luckily we used those tiny nails with the picture hooks, so the holes are mostly very small.

So, we are excited about this new adventure. Worn out from escrow and the waiting to get the final approval and signing time for Friday. Once we have all that in place, I know the stress will reduce a lot !! We cannot wait to be closer to the kids and the grand kids. This last month has felt like six. We have not even walked through the house in over a month since we did the inspection !! Luckily I have a lot of pictures to look at and that has helped a lot !!

So, back to packing, and cleaning. The bathrooms are next….. Joy !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

On going journey

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I posted recentlyl about how lost I am and how I am trying to figure out who I am , and what happened to me.

Not too long after posting that post, I got an invitation from a local media personality with whom I had interacted with on her facebook page,  to attend a symposium on empowering women. It was a huge eye opener for sure.

This was very out of my comfort zone. Me. Alone. Large group of women I do not know.  I did it though and for that I am proud of myself. I went in with zero expectations , not knowing what to expect. I knew this person hosting and a couple of other speakers would be trying thier best to inspire and  help us to find power within ourselves.

I learned some interersting things. Only 4 percent of the population are doing what they were born to do. I am not sure how anyone came up with that figure, but if it true, sad.  I think it was kind of ironic that Dove Soap announced in thier most recent ad  that only  4 percent of women around the world think they are beautiful. Both are sad statisics. Strange that they are the same.

some of the advice we were given was

Do your destiny

Lets do this thing

I live by, do something, even if it is wrong,

take action, a plan without action is only a wish

verbalize it, say it outloud to yourself , tell someone else.

Do what you say you are going to do.

Visualize it. Picture joy in the end result.

Don’t be fearless, just fear less

Be courageous, determined and resolute

Never give up

Surround yourself with good people

seek wise councel

Start right where you are.

Do it for yourself.

Do it because you love it

Think outside the box

Take the first step

balance is the key

do it with excellence

We were asked a lot of questions

What do I want for ME

What is the one thing, you have always wanted to do ?

What is holding you back ?

What gets your heart rate going ?

More inspirational quotes,

be in the moment

Do it afraid

go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

think about what things are most important to you.

then more questions

What gives you meaning in life,

What are the principals and actions that guide your decisions

more quotes

You were made for more

We each have a higher purpose

You were made to leave a mark

We are what we think we are. Identify your obstacles

As yourself how much do I want this  ?

Identify with your goal.

A lot of great quotes,  and I truely enjoyed what all three of these ladies had to say.

The problem is, when you have lost yourself, you are not even in a place to ask yourself these kinds of questions.

How in the heck do I do my destiny when I have no clue what it is ? I have no damn clue.   None . At . All .

What thing are we supposed to do, IF we are struggling to find WHO we are ?

Doing something, even if it is wrong. Obviously many of us are doing the wrong thing, that does not help. If you keep doing wrong things in the hope you will do the right eventually, that does not work. Another saying comes to mind, I believe it was Einstien that said it,  definition of Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differant outcome . How many of us do this exact thing ? We think it is us trying to make something happen. We are not supposed to give up. We are supposed to pursue our dreams !! When the dreams do not come true, we might still keep going, just thinking, this time I will make it !! But it never works. Unless it does, and then you got what you wanted and that is really awesome and wonderful, but for most of us, it does not work out that way.

How are you supposed to take action or visualize something that you do not even know ? How can I visualize an outcome when I cannot figure out that outcome ?
I am a huge believer in the law of attraction, but to attract it you have to know what you want so you can think about it and attract it !!

I would love to be courageous. That sounds so powerful. BE COURAGEOUS  !!! BE DETERMINED !! BE RESOLUTE !! Please tell me what that means. I really have no clue at all.

The logical song comes to mind.

It starts out, telling how wonderful and magical life was when he was young, but then he was sent away to become responsible and dependable and at one point in the song he asks to be told what he has learned and as absurb as it seems, can you tell him who he is ? I am not quoiting directly because I am not sure I can legally, but look up the song lyrics, I have heard it recently on the oldies channel and it struck a chord with me.

We start out small kids. Well, babies, and we see the world so magicly. Wonder, joy, amazment, everything is new, wonderful, awesome, and insipring. We start to build dreams, often big , wonderful dreams , and then we become adults and we are told we have to be practical. be moms, ( dads, but I am writing about women here ) , pay the bills, get a job, grow up !! There is no time for nonsense.

So, most of us take it to heart. We get jobs, we put those childhood dreams away. We forget about them  and go to college, if we are lucky, ( I never got to go to college )  work, get married, have kids and do all the right things. And that wonderful, creative, happy, joyful child  in us,  dies a little inside .

I used to love to play games. I spent hours as a kid running in the front yard, kickball, soccer, hopscotch, monopoly, aggravation, the game of  life, and so one. We had our four  kids and when the family  would all  get together for parties, I never got to play. I had to watch the kids. Keep my eyes on four kids and make sure they were all okay. My hubby played croquet , or whatever they were playing. I know he never understood why I would not play. He is a good husband and father, but moms are moms and moms worry. He finally convinced me the kids would be fine, relax and stop worrying and a half hour later, a stranger walked up to the door with our then 18 month old youngest son, letting us know they found him in the middle of the street. Oh dear God. I was beside myself. How he even got out of the house/ yard , we have no clue. After that, it was over. I was not ever going to take my eye off of them again. What every playfulness I had left , was gone. I was a mom, I had to watch the kids, period. That scared me half to dealth. My baby. What could have happened.

Now, obviously within a few years, they were all big enough to not worry about anymore By the time our baby was eight and the oldest was 16 I could have relaxed and not been so nervous, but now it was routine.  This was my job.

Now fast forward to today. Empty nest. None at home.The four kids range from  23 to 32 years old. No more excuses, I obviously do not have to watch them anymore. I do not know how to play any longer. It is buried in me. I know it is in there. But it is buried deep. Add that to the fact I have lost my dreams, and I have lost who I am. It is a hot mess.

I really enjoyed the symposium. They meant well. One lady was leading our table in discussion. I had a turn to talk and she asked me a bunch of questions. I suppose she got frustrated with my answers, she cut me off and went to the next person. The ironic thing is, this woman claims to be passionate about helping stay at home moms not lose them selves. WHAT? So, she takes a stay at home mom who HAS lost themselves and proceed to make her feel pretty bad. I could have been a great resource for her. I am the poster child of what she wants young women  to avoid, yet she made me feel kind of bad. I tried to not let it bother me and continued to participate, but she never gave me a turn to answer a question again.  She is a never married, never had children , around 40ish woman. No offense, but what in the hell does she know about what moms and housewives are going through if she is not willing to listen to even one who is struggling ? I told her get them while they are young, maybe they will not go through what I am going through. that was BEFORE  my incident with her and the questions. This woman also wrote a book about living your greatest life. Hmm, just saying……

I came home from this event kind of in a funky mood. I am very overweight, no  job, let alone career. I could not relate to most of these women in any way and they could not relate to me. A lot of weathy socialite women were there. Business women, career women, business owners.

I need someone to ask real questions. Not give me a bunch of inspiring quotes. I have been collecting quotes for years. They really do not help much.
I know all of those women mean well. I have no doubt in my mind all three of our speakers mean very well. But they ALL have careers and dreams they are living . They DO NOT understand the frustration and sometimes hopelessness women can go through  when they no longer have a focus in thier life. They have worked thier way out of a job, raising kids that are off on thier own and do not need them anymore. It is a hard place to be in. All of thier focus has been making sure their kids are okay, making sure the kids have what they need, not much thought as to what they need. The kids were thier career so to speak, but they get a very early retirement, with no pay and  a life time of experience that does not help them to get a job.

So, step one for me, get a car. I cannot sit at home any longer. I am beginning to be fearful to go places alone and without a car , I cannot !!

So, we did. My hubby wanted me to have a car and an opportunity for a great deal came along last night, just days after this event, and he bought me a beautiful car !!

I went out today. I went to Hobby Lobby to see if they are hiring, but they are not. Next week I will try a new place every day. I then went to Target for a crock pot and a gift and card I needed , and then to Alberstsons for some sale meat ,no really  exciting, but I enjoyed it. It was exciting to me.

As I was wandering around Target, my first time out alone  in a couple of years,  I am dead serious, my first time alone in a store,  driven there  by myself in a couple of years. I remembered a card posted on facebook, and I thought it expressed how I felt in that moment.

I am currently unsupervised !! I know, it freaks me out too !! But the possibilities are endless !!

So, I wish instead of well intentioned quotes, some of the motivational speakers would give us real steps to finding ourselves. THAT would  be movtivating to me !!

I do not want to leave the impression my life sucks. It does not. I am lucky to have a fabulous, loving and supportive husband and four amazing kids and we have three in law kids and seven grandkids. I have friends and I have some hobbies and interests. I laugh, and I live and I love.  I  do however need more. I need somthing of my own to be passionate about. I need a direction. My hubby is not responsible for my happiness, my kids and grandkids and in law kids are not repsonsible for my happiness, and neither are my friends. That is completely up to me.

I need a purpose, a drive !! Something to pull me out of bed in the mornings, excited to get involved and work on that thing !!

So, the journey continues. It is my journey, I have to take the steps. I just have to figure out which direction I need to head towards, once I have that, the rest will be pretty easy !!

Please share your insights, I think we all can learn from each others journeys. We need to share !! This journey is so important. We ALL desereve to be happy and fullfilled and passionate about something in our lives. That child is still in me, I just have to figure out how to rescue her. She deserves to be freed from the prison I put her in, and the fact I did bury that part of me, makes me so sad.

Thanks for stopping by !!

418

I lost myself , what have I become ?

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I started this blog because I felt I had lost who I was and wanted to find myself. It was time to be me. I realized today I had gotten away from that journey and it was affecting me.

Today a woman who is struggling with some issues in her life, commented that she needed to get her life back, that she had lost herself in raising her kids and felt she had gotten boring. I assure you this woman is far from boring, but I got her point. I told her this is something many stay at home moms suffer from, in all age groups.  We lose ourselves somehow when we devote ourselves to being great mommies and we wake up one day, at 30, 40 or even 50 like I was and wonder what in the heck happened to us ? It made me start thinking about how I got here, and what caused me to lose who I am ?

We adore our kids, we are told they come first and we put them first. For me, I woke up later in life, and met a fat, on the edge of unhealthy, totally lost version of myself. Who is this woman that looks back at me in the mirror ? That cannot possibly be me. Ah, but it is.

How sad, that the one treasure in our life, our precious kids,they are such a wonderful gift,  are also the one thing that bring us down as the creative , inventive, curious, fun loving women we could be . In our love for them, we lose some of our love for ourselves. Many women learn to hate the woman they have become, which is especially sad. We are all loveable, even in our scattered, lost state, we deserve to love ourselves, and each other. We deserve to be loved by our families. We are lost , perhaps, but not worthless or unloveable. Many times the weight is from metabolic changes caused by childbirth, yet women blame themselves. Yes we are partly to blame, but it happens so slowly while we make sure our kids have what they need.  Weight goes on slowly and one day, like the frog in the frying pan, that when the heat is slowly raised, does not sense it and boils to death, which by the way is a myth I read, but a good way to describe what happens. You just do not see the weight adding up. It really is a shock when you see that video or photo of you, and you say, oh my gosh, who IS that woman , Me ???

We are told, we cannot have it all and do it all well. Why not ? Men have for centuries. They could have a fullfilling career, fame, fortune, or just a great job they love, making good money and then come home and spend the weekends playing with the kids and enjoying having it all. They feel no remorse over housework not done. They do not worry about the laundry. Women on the other hand, tend to take it all on. They work, come home,  do the housework and cook and do laundry while the husband in many cases  has been playing with the kids, or watching tv, but many times when he does offer help, the woman says No, I’ve got it. Guilt is a terrible thing.  I do not think, a lot of the time,  that the men do not want to help, they just do not agonize over it like women do. When they do offer a few times and are told no, many times they stop offering. The women starts to feel she has no help, but she has actually caused it by not letting him help. NOT ALL WOMEN DO THIS, and not all men help either. But I have seen it again and again over time. Or if he helps, she gets mad that he did not do it right and re does it. I am embarrassed to say I have been guilty of that a time or two as I have a wonderful husband who was always willing to help. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped it. I appreciated the help he was giving and took it the way he did it. It was not wrong, just not MY way. Sometimes things can be done HIS way and they are just fine.

Some women are married or partnered with a man who does not feel he should have to help. I like to think this happens less as time goes on, but it still happens. The women is expected to cook, clean, take care of kids, and maybe even work outside the home as well.  That kind of situation makes it much worse and the result is a complete loss of identity sometimes because they just do what is expected of them with no thought of what they want.

No matter how it happens, somehow, many women lose the sense of who they are. What they enjoyed , things they were interested in. The spark goes out  and they feel let down by life. They do not even realize why they are so unhappy. They just feel guilt all the time, no matter what they do and feel a sense of something missing. When you are home everyday, no adult conversations, cleaning up kids messes and not doing anything you love, you lose more of yourself each day.

Many Dads do not feel guilty for working. It is what they have to do for their families. They go to work to get a check to pay the bills. But many women feel such guilt when they work. They feel they have to make it up when they get home, being supermom,  and they burn out fast.

Cooking, cleaning, soccer practice, they work all day, come home, and work until they drop in bed at night. It never seems to end. No down time, no time to be themselves, over time, they just disappear . They may even look the same,  but they are not the same inside.

I wish as a whole, that  society would support moms more. Women can be meanest to other women. Stay at home moms criticize working moms, working moms criticize stay at home moms. Why can’t we just support each other as women and help each other to be the best we can be no matter if we stay home to raise our kids, or go out in the world and pursue a job or career ? We do not need to put other women down to justify our choices. Many choices can be good ones, you have to pick the best one for you !!

It is time for women to realize thier value. To give themselves permission to find themselves. To ask their spouses to support their journey to find themselves. They will benefit from this discovery as well.

We fall in love with our spouse and some people wake up one day and do not like who they are looking at. But I believe we all take some responsibility in our spouses changing in ways maybe we might not like. Did we encourage them to follow thier dreams, or to even have dreams ? Did they ask them how they are feeling, or what they want to do with their lives outside of their parenting roles. Men and women , we need to do this. Lets be clear,  men can go through this as well, but women seem to really have a corner on losing themselves. It is just as tragic when men lose themselves, but it seems more common with women. I could be wrong, but that is my experience !!

So, we have to give ourselves permission to be happy. We have to love ourselves just the way we are. Fat , thin, young old, it does not matter. We are worthy of being  loved and cherished and we are worthy of finding out what makes us happy.

Reba McEntire has a song that says it all, Is there life out there ? I love the lyrics to this song. A woman talks about how she longs to see what is out there in the world, she does not want to leave her family, just wants to find herself.  This song really speaks to me.

I started on this journey to find myself and got lost again and let this blog just sit here , unused. . Life happens and we just sort of let go of the search and let life pull us along.

No more.

I decided that I am going to work on me.

Exercise, eat better, no drastic food changes, but small positive ones.  I am lucky, my husband is on this same wavelength, so we are doing this together.

pay off debt, a goal with my hubby, we want to be debt free to open door for us to things we would like to do.

I am blogging and praying and meditating to find myself.  I am not sure who I am anymore. I am being kind to myself. I have a lot of weight to lose and I refuse to call myself names or put myself down. I would never talk to someone I loved like that, why would I talk to myself that way. Yet I hear women call them selves horrible names all the time. I do refer to myself as fat, but as a descriptive word, not as an insult. Saying I am fluffy is not going to give me incentive to lose weight. Stating the fact I am overweight, or fat, puts the fact out there and helps to push me.

So, I know this was a rambling post but I just feel so strongly that something needs to be done for women. We should be able to raise our kids, and not lose ourselves in the process.

If the woman I mentioned at the start of this happens to read this, then thank you, you got me thinking about my own journey again. I have been feeling a bit lost and now I can start to work on finding myself again. That is the worst part, when you lose yourself and forget the journey you started to find yourself. Life can take back over in a second, we have to be diligent, but we can be happy, we can be fulfilled, we can be interesting and are probably more interesting then we realize,  we just have to get out of our own way !!

We can be moms and can love our kids, and give them a lot, but we have to give to ourselves too.

I have always heard when you are on a plane the instructions are, in an emergency, put the mask on yourself first, make sure you have air, so that you can save your kids. this is the same thing. When we are interested in life. When we enjoy our life, when we are happy, the kids benefit.

We have to put ourselves and our relationships with our spouses first , the kids need us to do that. We have to give ourselves that oxygen first. Then, and only then, we can take care of them . They will be better people if we show them an example of a happy fulfilled mom. What a great gift to give our kids. To show them how to live well and keep themselves intact while they raise a family. It is hard to do, but we can do it. I am praying we can see the next generation coming up not suffer from this.

It is never to late to find ourselves. We need to be a shining example to other women.

So, I start, and will take it , one day at a time, on breath at a time, and I will get there, and the discovery of who I am will be all the more precious for the journey I have been on !!
Thanks for bearing with me, but I feel so passionate about this, I appreciate you stopping by and would love to hear your input. I do not claim to know it all, just know how I feel. I would love to hear how other women deal with this, and the men who love them. So, comment away, I would love to hear from you !!

Go after your dreams

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Dreams are funny things. They are vitally important to our lives. When we lose the ability to dream, we lose hope in our future and what is to come. We just kind of excist, not truely live . That is a sad place to find yourself.

A lot of people have forgotten how to dream. They have to work hard to bring home a check, take care of thier family, pay bills and worrry about all the above, who has time for dreaming ? The are practical and feel they just have to get through each day intact.

I say, however, dreams are vital. If you do not let yourself dream, you have nothing to aspire to. You have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. Hard work in itself, is only rewarding if you love it. If it is your passion, working hard is a gift. But if you are working a job you hate, and working hard every day. There is no joy in that if you do not have dreams to make that work worth while. If you work hard every day, then come home and do the things that you are passionate about. Writing, drawing, sewing, crafting, going to school so you can pursue your dream of working in a field you are passionate about, doctor, lawyer, realtor, teacher. It really does not matter what field it is, if it is your passion, and you love it, you need to go for it. I think so many people put thier dreams aside when they have families to take care of. Maybe kids came before you planned to have them, and put your dreams on hold, but after a while, you gave up on those dreams, figured it was impossible.

I say, dig up those old dreams. See if they are still your passion. If they are not, then find new ones . This world is full of so much beauty and interest. There is really no limit to what we can do, except ourselves. I am very guilty of that. I am 52 and just starting to figure it out. I think for a long time I gave up on dreaming about a future for me. My life was being a wife and mom to four kids, what time did I have to think about what I wanted to be or do ? I wish I had. I could have gone to school one class a semester, I would have had a degree by the time the kids were grown and would have so many more options today.  Regret is a bad thing, so I have let it go. Regret will never bring you happiness !!!

Now, I am working on finding my dreams again. It is a harder in an older body, with a lot of weight on it. Weight gained, I have no doubt, because I did not keep my dreams or invest enough in myself. When you hold in  your feelings and dreams, you try to fill that void with other things, food is  obviously what I used.

I will keep working to find my dream. I love making the jewelry, and beads are something I am very passionate about, but I am still not completely sure it is my life destiny to make jewelry but I am going to enjoy it and keep doing it until the right thing, which may, in fact,  be making jewelry, makes itself clear to me. I also love to write and that is what this blog is for !!

Every day we need to get up and first be thankful for all that we have.  Then we can find something to work on toward our dream. One small step, even if it is prayer or  meditation, that is always a great start. Then reading, searching, and doing what you love to do. You can never go wrong doing what you love and if you do, your dreams will be born of that love .

I have been making jewelry for over twenty years. I get lots of great  reviews of my items, but still to date, very few sales. It is hard sometimes to not doubt what I am doing, but I work through it and keep going. It brings me joy. I feel pride in my work and feel like I have accomplished something each day after I have worked. Those are all good things, so only good can come from that. I will not give up. I will keep praying and working and the right path will be shown to me, whether it be the one I am on, or a new one to try.

Also, it is not selfish to go after your dreams. I think we are better parents, spouses, friends, and children to our parents, no matter our age, when we are happy and fulfilled working towards our dreams. Nothing is sadder than an empty person with no dreams. If you are joyful and optimistic and  following those dreams, no matter how far away they seem, you will be so much happier and so will your family being around you !!

So believe in yourself , commit to finding your dream again. you deserve it. We all deserve to be happy and have something we can look forward to and enjoy working towards. It makes life so much richer and happier.

As the old saying goes, just take it one day at a time !!

Time to be Thankful

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This is the time of year we all are reminded to be thankful for what we have . I noticed a lot of people posted daily this month on facebook the things they are grateful or thankful  for each day . I think it is a wonderful thing to make a point of sharing what we are thankful, or grateful for, but it is too bad we only really do that this time of year. We really should do it every day.

I make a point every day to look at my life and be grateful for even the small things we take for granted. Once you start making it a part of your daily life, you realize how much you have that you really did not pay attention to.

How many times do we take clean running water,  sanitary bathrooms, a stove, microwave and if we have it , a dishwaster for granted.  Most people have a washer and dryer in thier home, but even having one at a laundromat beats washing clothes in a river . We are very blessed as modern Amercians to have so many luxuries that we consider our right. Or we do not consider them at all.

When I was a young newly  married girl, I was working as a waitress, yes, we were still called waitresses back then, not servers. If you were a man, you were a waiter !!  I was complaining about the mess at home and how I had to go  home and do dishes and pick up. This young girl who I really did not know well, said to me. ” You go home and be grateful you have dishes to wash and a house to clean. I have to live with someone else right now because I do not have my own place. I would love to have my own dishes to wash and my own place to clean. ” I was very humbled and that has never left me. When I find myself getting overwelmed with housework, I  stop now and think how blessed I am to have food to cook, and dishes to wash. I have a floor to sweep, mop and vacuum and I have bathrooms to clean and a bed to make and laundry to wash , in my own washer and dryer. I have never forgotten those words. I have days I forget, I will be honest, but most of the time, I stop , think and say Thank you to God for the fact I have these messes which indicate a wonderful life. Having a husband of 31  years to cook for, and do laundry for, I am very blessed . He works hard to give us a good life and when I am tired  and do not feel like cleaning I make a point to think about how it must feel to get up at five am every day to go to work, whether you want to or not, and I stop complaining and start saying thank you .

Of course, since I am far from perfect, lol,  I have times when I do not think of that and complain about the mess I have to clean, but I find more and more, I decide to be grateful for that mess as it means I am very blessed. Complaining is less and less part of my life.

So, as we go about our daily life, we  need to really look at what we have, not just the obvious, our families and friends and a home and a job, those are all huge blessings to be sure. But look at those small things, that are not small to many people. Food, clothes, electricity, clean running water, indoor plumbing,  a home to live in, not to mention that flat screen tv with dvr and the blue rays and dvd players and video games smart phones ,  and all those things most of us can easily  take for granted.  Just having this computer in a spare room, this is a huge luxury. I have an entire room to play in on my computer and with my crafts and beads, what a luxury.

So, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to spend with family and reflect on all we are grateful for. I hope more of us can continue that gratitude through the year , really looking at our blessings every day and thanking God for all we have , it really is a lot, no matter what tough times we are going through. Even if breathing, being alive and having a future ahead of us,  was all we had, we have hope of a better day and a good future.  Most of us have so much more than that. Every day we are alive, we have the chance to create the life we want and I do believe that being grateful for all we  have is the way to getting to the future we want. How can we attract the life we want when we do not appreciate what we have ?

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and really digs deep and finds all the things in thier lives that they can be grateful for, I think most of us have so much more than we even realize to be grateful and thankful for !!

Happy Thanksgiving !!

I have to admit I am a bit bored right now and other ramblings …..

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I am dealing with some boredom issues lately and that is not like me. I have tons of books, but just cannot settle down to read. I was working on my etsy store, but with only three sales in a month with 300 views I am a bit reluctant to spend much more on listing if I am not selling anything. I am just not able to figure out why ? I seem to be blocked no matter what I do. Someone will ask for my card, they want to buy something and then I never hear from them. I even tried to show pictures one day and my iphone refused to pull up my etsy account, it is really weird. So, I am a bit lost now that that huge project is on hold. I have so much to list, hundreds of items and had planned on working on that every week, but now, with that packed away for now, I am at a total loss and I am also bored stupid !

It is the first time since I became a mom at 20, that my life is my own.  I am 52 years old. I do not have to work around kids, or grandkids schedules and that is just weird. I think I am just finding my place right now. My husband is at work and I am  home all day without a car, so that makes it a bit hard sometimes, but I am doing okay , why in the heck did my font change, I kept trying to go back and start typing over, but it changed anyway, weird !!

I am just taking it a day at a time, trying to figure out how to lose weight, I am really sick of being huge and just want to get this weight off but it is really not happening. Just finished an eight week stint on low carb with zero results. I had one cheat meal at day ten because my hubby was starting with me the next day. We followed the diet by the book, and neither of us lost a bit over the next almost seven weeks, so we are going to try something else. It is such a hard diet to be on, so we will find something not quite so impossible to do long term.

We have four of our  grandkids coming over this weekend, my husbands exact words when I told him the second two were coming was, are you crazy ? lol. I told him no, they will entertain each other and they are all old enough it will be fine. I am very exicted about it and I think he is too !! Four kids, no more pool, too cold and it will be a very cold weekend, so it will be interesting !! I know McDonaldsa indoor playground will be a key player in the weekend plans !!

Anyway. Just in a rambling kind of mood. I will seee if I can post a picture of the park, not sure I can post chihully on the blog, but I can post pictures of the actual park.

To change the subject, the Chihuly exhibit has been extended at the Dallas arboretum until the end of the year and we are both very excited about that. we are so in love with that exhibit and the arboretum itself, we are going to buy a season pass and enjoy it as many times as we can before it is gone in nine or ten weeks !! We both love to take pictures and was that an amazing exhibit !!

I just cannot get my computer to download the picures, it took ten minutes to get the one of the tree.

Okay, well, I am off to find something to do, not sure what, but I am just in that kind of mood tonight !!!

These are the things I know

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I have to say, life is pretty good these days. I am enjoying finding out what it is like for my hubby and I to live alone after 30 plus years living with our kids. I miss everyone, being an hour away, but I am happy learning to be by myself and it is a new experience. We have a lovely, very quiet apartment with a gorgeous view of a creek bed and trees. So wonderful and relaxing. Two bedrooms and two bathrooms, what luxury, and I use both bathrooms, just because I can !!!

I am continuing to work on finding me, I finally have the time to be me, but still have not really figured out who I am yet. After a lifetime of raising kids and helping with grandkids, I am still not exactly sure who I am.

These are the things I know about me so far.

this is seperate from me the Mom, grandma, wife, aunt, sister, and so on, this is just me. I am trying to figure out myself so I am trying to understand myself better. I know I love my family and friends, it is me that is a mystery after all these years !!

I am passionate about photography, it is probably the thing I love most and when I miss a good photo opp, it really bothers me. I have a few shots I never took, that years later, I still am mad about, lol !! I think with my camera most of the time when I am out and about, oh, look, that would be a great picture, that kind of thing and my iphone and pink elph cannon point and shoot are always with me. I need a ten step program. My six year old computer has , no lie, over 14, 000 pictures on it. The box for my new computer says it holds 170,000 pictures, or something like that. I think I will be okay for a while.  My cell phone had 1500 until I moved some to the computer and deleted them off the phone, I have had it one year this month. I still have over a thousand on it. No kidding.

I love to create, with beads, paint, stamps, words, a camera, being an artist is who I am and I have to create.

I need to write. I find when I write, I am happier. I love blogging, writing poems, emails and even texts. I am list maker too and I know it is because I love to write.

I love to bake ,and have always baked for our family. It is how I show my love sometimes.

I procrastinate, badly. I can put things off like crazy when I do not want to deal with them, and that is not a good thing.

I love chocolate and I  eat chocolate when I am happy, sad, hormonal, bored, mad,  you get the picture, I love chocolate !! I do not really eat it as much as I would like to though.

I get overwhelmed easily, like right now with a studio full of stuff to list on my etsy store, my ADD kicks in and I get frozen and do not know what to do first, a big issue I am working on. I have only been dealing with it my entire life, but it is time to overcome some of those bad habits, I have to push through when I get overwhelmed !!

I am content right now. Just happy to be where I am, and who I am , even if I am not sure who that is right now. I like being where I am in life and looking forward to finding new dreams and  goals.

I know there is a lot more, but it is late and my brain is tired !!

Here are some pictures I have taken , and when I have taken one, there are usually at least 200 more !! I am usually the official event photographer at the  grand kids parties, I cannot help it, I love to take pictures !!

not sure why, but I love to take pictures of traffic lights, have better ones from upstate NY but they are on my old computer and I cannot  get to them !!

Well, I am pushing it, when I try to add too many pictures to my blog, it starts putting them in the wrong places, so I had best stop while I am ahead !! This was not too show I am a wonderful photographer, I know I am not, I am still  learning !! T hey are  just to show  that I love to take so many kinds of pictures and to share a few favorites of mine . I have  hundreds of the grand kids, but I cannot post them without permission. They are not my kids to share and some parents do not like thier kids pictures online so I work hard to respect that !!

So, another great day and looking forward to a really nice day tomorrow !! Thanks for stopping by !!  I am happy to share my journey with whoever wants to share it with me  !!

Life is good these days !!

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I have to say I have been really enjoying life these days. Miss my hubby a lot as he is working a lot of overtime, but I have been keeping busy and really enjoying this stage of my life.

We recently started a low carb diet due to us both having severe sensitivity to wheat and we both have lost all our symptoms and feel better, no real weight loss yet but I am learning to bake and cook wheat and carb free and it has been a lot of fun. I never knew you could bake low carb and have stuff that tastes great, so that has been fun !!

My etsy site is getting more posts every day, I am pleased to be seeing more items in my store, still a very , very, long way from where I am looking to be, but I can only list so many a day and there is so much to list  and still to photograph , let alone bag and label, it is a a bit overwelmeing but exciting too !! My desk is piled with the stuff I plan to do tomorrow, a bit ambitious, but we will see   !!! I have buckets of stuff to still do, so it will take a few months of lots  of hours per day and week, but I am really excited to do it !!

I want to work on some writing projects but my old computer , where they live, is not  hooked up to the printer so I am a bit stuck and I am old fashioned and will not write unless I can print out the new material for paper back up, so I am sure that will get taken care of this weekend  !!  It seems like I am going all day and I need to get more focused but I will get there and get a nice schedule in place and go from there !!

So, busy life, but happy life, blogging, writing, my photography when possible,  listing on Etsy, playing with the beads and buttons getting them ready to sell,  spending time with my hubby and when we get a chance our kids and grand kids, visiting with friends when possible and by phone when not possible and a pile of good books when I am ready to take a break, let alone a pantry full of new baking ingrediants for our new life style !!  Life is pretty darn good these days and I am just getting started !!  Can’t wait to see what I come up with next, it should be good !!!

Here is that pile for tomorrow , a bit overly ambitious, I have to say, lol !!! I say aim high and see where you land, if you aim too low you might hit the target but not do as much as you would have if you aimed a bit too high and missed  !!!

What a differance !!

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I am so excited, I finally got a new computer , and it is wonderful !! My old one was six and a half years old and was really slow, never had been fast, but had gotten so bad. I had to constantly restart it and I  cannot believe how fast this one is and how pretty the picture is on the monitor . I am so thriled and look forward to posting and putting pictures on here as well !!

So, I am going to go play with the computer, I have a lot to hearn, it is a completely differant but in a great way !!  Will be back to post soon 1!