I woke up today not feeling quite myself. Maybe some malaise of the emotional kind, or even a bit morose. I am not sure which. Just not myself. The last few weeks have been crazy busy and I knew today would be my day from the time I got up until about five thirty with just a few minutes of my husband running in, changing clothes and going out to play racket ball with our son in law.
I thought I would wake up feeling energetic , full of vim and viger, not having to sit today. I have been watching kids all week, and our youngest grand daughter five days a week for the last month or so.
However, I woke up in this blue type mood which is not really me at all.
My question is , why ………?
I think there are a few things responsible.
Not being settled in our new home, despite moving in mid August. I have boxes and boxes of unpacked stuff in the house, let alone what is in the garage. Many projects to do, so much left undone as we have had a lot of things coming up that we had to help our grown kids with and it has put our stuff on hold. No regrets, they needed the help , so that is not a problem in itself. We always want to be there for our kids.
I think I feel like we are just staying here. It is not our home. I have a mortgage payment due on Oct 1 to prove it IS our home, but it does not feel like it. I cannot find anything I need. I have no place to put anything. I am beyond frustrated.
we moved back here to our home town, after being an hour away for a year, to be closer to our kids , whom we missed so much and I wanted to have a better social life as we knew no one up there, and have so far not really gotten to do much with friends. I am still pretty isoloated, but at least I am seeing our kids and grandkids on a regular basis, the ones in Texas at least, we have two out of state we miss very much as well as their parents.
I cannot seem to focus on anything lately. Beading, photography , finances, writing, reading, cooking, cleaning, housework, going through boxes, you name it. I am just scattered at the time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I am spending too much time on Candy crush, but I play for free, I do not buy those credits to play !!!
I pay the bills, do what has to be done, but that is about it. I am frustrated with myself and my life right now.
Okay , I do want to be clear. I have a great life. I have a husband I love so much, and our kids are amazing and through them we have wonderful in law kids and precious grandkids. We have a good life and I have no compaints in that dept. We have a nice home , that we can really update and make really nice and my husband is blessed with a good job !!
I have a great marriage , married to my best friend. We really like each other as friends, as well as being a romantic couple. I have had the luxury of staying home the past 30 years to raise the kids and of late, help watch our grandkids.
So, what could be the problem then ?
I have no damn idea !! I am working on losing weight. I have to lose about half my body weight in fat, that is embarrassing to admit. I need to get in better shape fitness wise. I am still pretty strong and doing pretty good despite my weight, but I want to be better than good. I want to be strong and very healthy. But this is not the reason for my feelings. I am working on it, I know I will get there.
I just feel a bit blue today.
I think I need to find people to do stuff with. I have no one I can get out with on a regular basis and have fun. My dear friend here in Texas, used to be my constant companion years ago when our kids were in school and we would hang out together. Not any more. she just got her LVN and is looking for a job. Soon she will be working full time and any time we have gotten to spend together , which since I have moved back has not been as much as I thought it would be, will be gone. she is in a differant stage of l ife than I am. Ten years younger. Wants to party, go to bars and hang out with friends and play pool. That is not who I am and so she does not even bother to invite me anymore. I told her we are growing apart, she is changing, I am still the way I was , but her life has changed. Her kids grew up and she is wanting to play. She swears we are not growing apart, but I have been through this with another dear friend and I know it is coming. We will always stay in touch, get together from time to time. but she has new friends that do like to party and go to play pool and do not mind smoky bars. I am not against bars and drinking, but bars are not really my thing and I drink very rarely. It is just not something I care for. At t his point in her life, she wants to drink socially and have fun. I want to hang out at home, , or go out and eat, sit and talk, go to yard sales, thirft stores or even window shop at Target, but not go to play pool and party. My hubby and I have never been partiers even when we were young. It is just not our thing !! I miss the times I spent with my friend and I probably am grieving losing the friendship we had. the one we will have moving forward, it is not the same friendship we had shared for a decade. It just isn’t , she just does not want to admit it at this point.
I would love to find other creative people to hang out with. People who love to bead and do crafts . Maybe even writers, or artists, My age preferably . I have some amazing friends my age but they are all in other states. I love them dearly, and we talk and keep in touch through phone calls, emails and facebook. But I want people to hang out with. Go to yard sales with, garage sales, be creative with !!
I love doing many of those things with my hubby and when he worked second shift , or his rotating 12 hour shift, we got many weekdays to go out and have fun. Take pictures, go to antique stores, thrift stores, and yard sales. Make stuff for the yard together and for a while we even had an antique booth together. He works day shift now mostly six day a week work weeks, and gets home when all those venues are closed. I could go by myself, but it is just not the same experience . Holding up some ugly or rediculous thing you find to get the other persons reaction, showing off treasures as you find them. You cannot do that by yourself. I have tried going alone, it is sad.
So, please excuse my poor poor pitiful me day, that is not really how I feel but I know that is how it sounds. It is more a bit of sadness and boredom and frustration. Not knowing what to do to fix the issue. I have tried to make new friends. I have met interesting people and after a fun conversation have given them my number, and they seem intersted in getting together, but I have never one time gotten a call, or an offer of thier number. I guess most people have plenty of friends. I could think there is something wrong with me, and I have at times . but I really do not think that is it. I am a normal person, not scary or weird, lol, just your average person who loves to talk and do things with others. I just think by fifty , most people have more friends than they need. Work friends, church friends, school friends they kept for life. They just do not need another friend.
My husband does not work in a place where he can really find people to hang out with from work. Pure and simple, he really would not care to hang out with many of the people he works with and the ones he would, have too much to do and are not really free to get together or work opposite shifts from him. I do not work, so no work friends for me. No kids in school so no meeting people that way. We are not church goers so that is out. I love God and pray, but church is not my thing. I do not like having to watch what a say all the time and worrying about a bad word, yes, I do swear at times, and I have tried to stop it so many times, but to no avail. I am a work in progress !!
So, it is really frustrating to want some friends, to really want a group of women to hang out with, and get together with maybe once a week , like you see in the movies and tv, and not be able to do that. I think I am friendly and give a good impression There is no real reason I can think of that no one calls me except that they already have full lives with plenty of friends and do not need another one.
I even tried the Red Hats, which our daughter in law found hilarious. but never got an answer from the group in my area. Not sure I could prance around in red and purple anyway, so maybe it is a good thing they never got back to me ! Okay, stop laughing Melissa, lol, !!!
How do you create the life you want ? I feel like the women in Rebas song, is there life out there ? I do not want to leave, I am just wondering if there is life out there ? There is so much I have not done, so much I want to try. I am just so frustrated.
I started this blog in the hopes I would meet other women struggling to find themselves too. I would love to hear from people who have been down this road and found some answers.
If you are struggling too, maybe we can help each other !!
I am basicly happy. I have a wonderful amazing life with a wonderful amazing man I love like crazy, who takes very good care of me and loves me the way I am and encourages anything I want to do or try !! I raised four kids with him that are fabulous adults I enjoy spending time with. BUT, now it is time for me to find out what I want. LIke my blog title says. It is time to be me, but who in the heck is me , I just do not know any more, and do not understand how to find out. I am not sure I got to know who I was before life took me over. Marriage , motherhood, and so on. Life is like a river that just sort of sweeps you away and when you finally are able to get out , and climb up the banks, you have no idea of were you were going or what you wanted to do when you fell in !!
I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel just fine again. These days happen from time to time. I am still looking for clues, something to get me on the right path so I can start looking for where I need to be. I am only 53, I have many decades left to live and do something great with my life, I just have to figure out what that could be ?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent. Not sure how many people really read this, but just writing it down makes me feel better and that is the other reason I started this blog. The light below , I took this picture years ago, says go , but I just have to figure out where !!!
Thanks so much,