Is a balanced life just a myth ?

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A balanced life.

It sounds wonderful. So adult, so professional. Very zen and productive. But is it real ? Can we really do all the things we want to do and balance them at the same time.

When  I hear the term balanced life, I think of balls being juggled in the air . Round and round they go, always perfectly in time with each other. One wrong toss and all the balls go down at once. They scatter everywhere !!!

Balance. A balanced life. What is that really? Schedules, charts, organization skills. I get overwelmed just thinking about it all. What is a balanced life really look like and can it truely be done ?

The answer is, I do not know. I personally do not know a single human that has a balanced life. Everyone I know complains of not having enough time to get stuff done. Or they play too much one day and do not get work done , or they keep up with the house, or have a job either at home or outside the  home and that takes all their focus and they get nothing creative done.

I know I am not balanced at all. Housework, time with  hubby, time with kids and grand kids, time working on my YouTube channel, time listing the million items I need to sell that take up way too much space in my studio, gardening, cooking, budget, sourcing new items to sell. What about reading, baking, crafting for fun, finishing the crocheted blanket I started literally 15 years ago for my husband. House maintenance and repair. The stuff I can do. No. I have a stack of books to read I have bought slowly over the last few years on Amazon. That blanket sits unfinished. Projects started in my studio that remain unfinished. How many times did I restart that load of towels in the washer before they went to the dryer ? When our son asked if the washer was free. Now, that is not every load, but it happens more than I want to admit  !!!

Life kind of hit us a bit hard the last year. Lots of stuff we had to deal with, my husbands back surgery , leaving six months after his surgury to spend months out of state taking care of his mom until she passed , and then coming back home and he had to finish his PT and get back to work. Now he is  having some more issues , things that should not be happening for years after surgery happening less than a year after, and now he needs tests and we are not sure what else right as we all  had our lives turned upside down with this Covid 19 situation going on world wide. We , like everyone else, saw our lives , and what we loved to do, completely  turn upside down and  go away. It has been a sad and scary time. He has continued to work, so we were very lucky about that. But it was scary too !!

We wasted many weeks really getting not a lot done around the house. Some, because of his back, some because of a lot of rain this spring and some because we were just a bit down due to what all is going on.

We finally woke up and started moving again. We are having to do so much more work on our yard and property than we would have had to  had we kept it up.

My take on that is, just move. Even if you do not have any answers on how to balance your life, just do something. Work on everything important to you, at least a little bit on a regular basis. I cannot promise you that you will ever be organized and balanced. I can tell you though from experience that if you do nothing, things will fall even more behind and even fall apart making it even harder to get back on your feet and balanced. Some things you might never get back to .

What  I plan to do is this. Every day pick what I have to get done that day for sure and something I really want to get done that day.

work on that afghan,

plant some seeds,

weed that flower bed,

make a video

take some pictures,

bake something,

put that laundry in the dryer the fist time,

pick something that needs to get done and do it.

Pick something you really want to get done and do that.

Then, fit in whatever else you can during the day.

I have heard so many options to getting organized.

One young woman who I really respect and seems to actually keep pretty organized says she blocks out her entire day 15 mintues at a time. That is what works for her, and apparently many other people, and  I honestly commend them, but for me …..

No. No. NO, NO !!!

Not an option for me. That would be depressing and sad to have my every minute decided. I would never , ever stick to it. I would be very unhappy with that the first 15 minutes.

My husband early in our marriage wanted to do a planned weekly menu. The taco tuesday, Fish on Friday, Casserole thursday type thing, I told him no, that would be depressing to me to now what I would be eating based on the day of the week. So, 15 minute blocks, oh heck no.

Those things work for some people and if they work for you, I think that is really awesome. It is just not for me.

So, I will keep at it. Work at getting up earlier. I do really think that helps a lot. I will get up each day and work hard to do better than I did the day before. I think that is a goal we can all really work for.

Positive thinking helps.

Vision boards help.

Prayer  helps.

Faith absolutely helps.

Getting up and doing something works.

Just get up and do something. Anything toward your goals.

You have to take it one day at a time.

ONE.    DAY.    AT.    A.   TIME.

Write a list today of EVERYTHING you want to get done  . If you could have a perfect day. What would you accomplish ?

Write it all down in any order, just get it down.

Pick the one that is most important, write a one next to it.

Pick the next most important and put a two next to it,

you get the picture. Put it all on the list. Every single thing you have put off , and put off.

Now, figure , realistically, what can you really get done in that day. Be honest, no cheating, on trying to do more than you should.

What ever is left is the start of tomorrows list. Do that every single day, and it will help. Is it the cure  , is it the answer ? No, but it will help a lot.

I am a big fan of writing things down. Once they are on paper you can actually see them and they become real.

You cannot do,what you do not acknowledge. That is why it all has to go on the list. Even if it takes weeks to get to it, if is on the list and if you keep seeing it, you will eventually get it done to get it off that list.

Am I perfect at this, nope. But I am working hard to get better at it. I have an ongoing list. I am marking it off as I get things done and then starting the next day with a new list leading with what I did not finish the day before.

I am definitely a work in progress. But, the best art takes time and patience and is worth both working towards, and waiting for !!! If you want to be a masterpiece, it will take time and patience. But you can do it.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this subject !!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

Stephie

 

 

The key to figuring it out !!!

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I have been going through a lot of stress with my YouTube channel lately. I have not been happy with how it was going and just was ready to give up . I was having issues with lighting , and staying in frame, and just finding time to make my long videos.

After spending time talking to our youngest son and pouring my heart out to him, I really let it all go. It is funny how that works. Once you let it all go, you free up space that those thoughts were taking up in your head. I found I could think again and actually come up with a solution to  my problems. Just letting it all out, talking it out, that was the key. I had been holding it all in for a while.

I was making way too long of videos. Way. Too . Long. My average watch time is less than three minutes and yet my videos were up to an hour, and at least a half hour. In other words, way too long.

But how do I do what I do in less time ? I use my blog. My crafty blog. I do a post there with pictures of either what I am listing , or step by step for the tutorials and then do a short video ten minutes or less doing a quick run through.  I can link them to each other and problem solved. People can watch a short video, and can see what is going on, and no more rambling videos. Well, I can still ramble a bit if I am not careful , but I am watching it  !!

I feel like a huge weight is off of me. I can still have fun with my channel. I am writing again, which I needed. And when I am ready in the next day or two, I can  start doing tutorials that people can actually see. Not out of frame, not bad lighting. That will be so beyond awesome.

I am very excited about it !!!

I plan to do some gardening in the next few days, I will make sure to share it here, I am really late getting started, but I will do what I can !!

I hope everyone is having a good week !!

Thanks for stopping by !!

Stephie

 

The journey is longer than I thought

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Wow, I just spent the better part of the day going through this blog, deleting drafts and posts that were just links . I am shocked that the journey I am on, has been ongoing for a very long time. I started writing in this blog in 2012. Funny how we think something we are going through is new, but it is a situation we have been dealing with for many years.

Distractions work. They honestly do. I was baby sitting our youngest grand daughter for two years. It kept me busy four to five days a week. It is funny how that simple change in my life took me away from my self searching so that when the baby sitting went away, I thought this was something new.

I started this blog to find myself but learned when  started I could still dream, and dream big. What happened to stop those dreams ? What in my life caused me to shut down such an important part of me ?

In the blog history I talked about moving up closer to my husbands work , our daughter renting our house when we left so we purchased another home when we moved home, so we would not have to rent. Since then, in March of 2014 we switched houses and have been back in our home six years now. That daughter went through a divorce , found love again and is remarried and they just had a second baby. She is still in our other house, which makes us happy. She now has kids from 19 to newborn. 2 from the new marriage , three from the first. She is the one that I mentioned above that I baby sat for . She left her job to have the new baby and I was permanently retired from baby sitting . Due to the covid situation we have not really gotten to spend much time with them and certainly not the new baby which is very hard. But safety for a young family is more important and we do get to see them on occasion.

But the thing that amazed me reading all those up to eight year old blog posts, is I am on the same damn journey I started the blog and the only thing that has changed drasticly in our life, thought I am not sure I said much about it, is other than a car payment we are out of debt. I use my Best Buy card and pay it off over a few months, but no other debt in our lives. That is a huge change and a good one.

Eight years of trying to lose weight. Over and over trying low carb , does not work for us, vegan a few times and now back on a plant based diet, will not use vegan because it is a very charged word. We are not perfect and I will never offend anyone. So, plant based is a safe term.

Our almost one hundred year old house is finally getting some much needed updates very soon, so at least those issues, not sure I wrote about them, but they have  been a big problem for me for almost two decades. I know this is something that will help me a lot, seeing things in order, having a beautiful space again .

My eternal search for myself. Who am I ? What do I want ? Why am I doing the same stupid things over and over, isn’t that supposed to be crazy behavior ? But yet, here I am doing it.

Buying more stuff for my craft room. More than I need and frankly even want. Time to sell , sell, sell. Many ways to do that now. I need to pare down to the stuff I really love and enjoy and let the rest go. I know I will be much happier.

It is all a distraction. I think I just had an aha moment.

Until the stay at home, we were always going. When my husband was off work we would going to flea markets, estate sales, yard sales, thrift store, antique shops. I was keeping busy and distracted. Bringing in more stuff then I needed which is a way many people distract themselves. We cannot do that right now, the shops are slowly opening but many things are still closed down. Now I do not have that distraction and my feelings are starting to come up. That could be why I was able to stuff those feelings down for so long. I was out having fun. Not feeling those feelings. But now there is no buffer. No fun going out and shopping. No treasure hunts, so I am faced with myself and my feelings in a big way. My husband is on a new schedule so that  has changed our lives, he used to be off every other weekend, then every weekend, now only Sunday and Monday. Which means no more yard sales or estate sales at all even when they start up again . I will not go by myself. That is no fun at all. I like the fun of finding treasures together, laughing at absurd things you find.

So, basically I cannot bury my feelings in going out and having fun. No more eating out, Chinese buffet, its all gone for now. My life is all laid open and raw now, I have to feel the feelings, they are not longer safely buried.  Now I need to take each of those thoughts and feelings out and deal with them. Insecurities , fears, sadness, confusion, uncertainty , and maybe some sadness  they are there, all exposed in the light of this new world I find myself in where nothing is the same. We are all going through some form of that right now, and for someone like me who used being busy and being out to avoid dealing with deeper issues, there is no where to hide anymore.

I wonder how I can at once be happy in the life I have. The choices I have made that are good, marriage , kids, our home, but be so miserable with myself. I want more for myself. I want to contribute more to the world and to my family. I want to feel fulfilled and have a passion about some purpose in life.  So, now that I have exposed why it has gone on for so long ,and how  I was able to avoid the pain of it, I can now start the painful yet beautiful process of figuring out what it is I want from myself and from life. What I want for myself .  This is my challenge, and my goal. Find a way to break out of this place I am in and learn to dream again, and to dream big. I used to do that. I can again .

Like they say, whoever they are, one step at a time, one day at a time…. my favorite, how do you eat an elephant ? One bite at a time. Consider this the first bite !

 

 

I am back and determined

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I last posted on this blog three years ago. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still overweight, still seeking who and what I want to be, and still frustrated with where I am at this point.

I am still very happily  married to the same man, going on 39 years later this year. We have four kids but now have three more grand kids. We have a good life, full of love and family. We are still in our old house and planning on working on that as soon as the contractor finishes another job. After 18 years things are going to finally get done around here.

I have been in a weird place lately. The stay at home order has not helped that a bit. I am out of sorts with myself right now. I have been struggling for so many years to figure out who I am and who I want to be. But it finally got unbearable. Weeks and months of watching YouTube videos, and not being productive at all , basicly just doing what I have to do and not much else. I am done with that stage, it is time to move on. Start working toward a goal. Like the ferris wheel in the featured picture, I feel I am going around and around but not really going anywhere.

As a kid I loved to draw, as I got older I wrote a lot of poems and some short stories. I have always loved to write. However over the years I wrote and drew less and less and finally got to the point where I was not doing either at all anymore. I look at the art I created as a young adult and kid and it makes me sad to think where I might have been with my art , and writing had I kept up with it. I just could not figure out how to be a wife, mom, homemaker and writer/ artist.

I will be sixty years old in a couple of weeks and enough is enough. I have filled a craft room full of stuff to distract myself, to the point it is way too much. I just am not even enjoying it right now because deep inside me I know it is not my true calling. I am planning on purging by selling many of the items I have and get it down to stuff I really want to work with, and truely love. Nothing wrong  having a craft room, but I cannot even craft as I cannot store it all.

I do believe the jewelry and crafting was a distraction. Kept me from digging too deep into myself. But you can only bury something for so long and it starts to come back up. We have that situation in our backyard. Our house is almost a hundred years old, we have a ton of broken glass and other objects that were buried many decades ago, and are now coming up through the dirt almost like a crop. You can walk around and find them just sitting on top of the ground. That is where I am right now. The emotions and feelings I have been stuffing down are coming up. I need more than stuff to distract me. I need to get deeper. Those feelings are not going to stay buried and it is not healthy or productive to shove them back down and try to bury them again.

I plan to do a vision board, along with this journaling . I was going to do a traditional journal. Just a book. But I have started and stopped so many of them and I think it is good to look back where you were so you can see your progress. By coming here and journaling, I can do exactly that. They will all be here in chronological order.  If anyone finds this journal and it helps them, makes it even better. I look forward in time to comments and hearing what other people are going through.  I do think we can learn from each other as many of us are going through the same thing.

So, I will be posting a lot, sometimes many times a day, sometimes once a day, and I am hoping not much less than that. I really want to start posting every single day. I will be digging down deep into what I want. Not really sure what I will be writing, but it is just for me. Only I have to really get it. I started this for me, if anyone joins me they are welcome, but I will not change what I am doing , this is about my search for me.

 

Finding my dream …..

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I have spent a good part of the last 20 years with beads. All kinds of beadwork. I loved it.

Now I am not sure how I feel and it is a weird feeling.

If I could have had the studio I have today, 20 years ago, the actual room, plus all the amazing and beautiful supplies I have, I would have been over the moon. Even with four kids, I found time and incentive to bead. I had very limited resources back then, for many reasons. Not having a lot left over to play with after bills and food and all the stuff we needed to live. Plus, no internet , that is so crazy to me now, and the craft stores just did not have much variety back then. We had found a store about an hour from home that sold seed beads, so I would save up 30 bucks or so,  and we would take the kids and go look and I would pick some up a few times a year. But sequins, not too many choices but I still enjoyed making pretty things with them, and used clear sequins with an iridescent sparkle over different colored felts to get the colors I wanted.

Yet, I find I am done. The dream defies me. I cannot get excited about the beads anymore. I still love them, cannot imagine getting rid of them,  and last year I fooled myself into thinking I  wanted to work with them by buying a lot of them. I spent way too much money last year on beads, charms , finding just wish I could go back a few years and have not bought any of it. I think I lost the joy in it, by trying to make money doing what I loved. I should have done what I loved and then if I made money, great, but I did it wrong and broke it somehow. I just do not know how to fix it. Do I fake it until I make it, or just walk away for a while and see what happens ?

I am going to be 57 this year and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I have never had a job outside the home, not in almost 30 years. Have no marketable skills and have no desire to work fast food or retail. Right now, at my current weight, which I am working on, it would be miserable for me to be on my feet that many hours anyway.

I have always wanted to write, but other than here on my different blogs, I am not really writing much either. I feel a bit lost . I think part of it is, for the first time in a very long time, I have not been needed on a regular basis to pick up grandkids from school, or babysit anyone. Just occasionally now, and that means once or so a month. I am not used to this. It is nice, but I have to get adjusted to it I suppose !!

My husband and I just started a few weeks ago  on a vegan diet , diet meaning the way that we eat, not to lose  weight and go back to where we were, this is a permanent  lifestyle change and it has been really fun and exciting, but also at times overwhelming and a bit sad . Sad because eating out has always been fun for us, but most of what we went out for, we cannot have any more. There are not many vegan choices in this area .  This is for health reasons, there is no options. My family history and current test results show I have to change how I eat to stay healthy and avoid having to take medications . So, eating vegan is the only way to absolutely not get heart disease and helps prevent many cancers, so here we are.  Thank goodness for the internet and all the wonderful vegan websites and you tube channels that are helping me with recipes and advice. I do not think it would be as easy as it has been, even though it is still difficult, if that makes sense, without the help I have found, and the many books I have found through all of them. I have a stack of great recipe books.

So, here I am, almost in March of our now, not so new year. I am sitting in my close to  my dream studio ,and not sure what to do.

As I said before, I think the last few years of working so very hard and not getting anywhere with my sales, may have taken the passion for the materials I used to adore out of me. I do not know how to get it back. I am a bit sad about it.

So, I am just trying to figure out what I want to do.

For now, that one day at a time saying seems to make sense.

Living in the moment, works too.

I am going to concentrate on the new eating plan. Celebrate each pound lost, and there are many to go, over a 100. Maybe that is what I need to focus on for now. Such a big change, it might need my entire focus for a while.

I guess for now, the thing to do is to concentrate on getting our eating good. Work on exercising , planning good meals and see what things appeal to me over time. The beads will not go bad and I have a lot of grand daughters who can enjoy playing in  here. I can make gifts and stuff for myself. Who knows, in time the passion for the beadwork might come back.

I still have an  order I am working on that excites me, so that is good. I am looking forward to getting back to that project soon !!

Maybe once I start working with her again, I will find my bead passion again. But I am going to keep my eyes open and see what gets me interested. Are there new things that could be fun and I could enjoy doing ?

So, just trying to figure it out. It is just plain weird to not have any interest at all . I am not depressed, or unhappy. Not a bit. On the contrary I feel great and I am very happy. Just not excited about the beads anymore. Maybe this is empty nest for real, even though we have a grown son at home for a short while, I do not have to take care of him, lol !!

I am excited to have time for myself, I need it. But I want to find something to be good at. Not just a jack of all trades, but master of non,  like I am in the beading world. I want to find the thing I can be great at !! I think I tried too many things with the beading and never got truly great at any of it !! Find a dream to pursue !! Learn to be great at something I love to do.

At the very least it is a fresh start with endless possibilities .

If anyone has gone through this, I would love to hear how they got through it !!!

For now, one day at a time !!!

Live in the moment !!!

Thanks for stopping by !!!

 

Looking ahead to a good year

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I was shocked to see that almost a full year has passed since I posted on this blog . It has been a busy year, and one that seemed to everyone I talked to, to fly by. I cannot believe it is three weeks into the new year. I hope this year will slow down just a bit. I do not want this one to fly by as fast as last year did.

A lot has changed since last year, and a lot has NOT changed since last year. Our  youngest daughter and her family moved out and now her little brother is moving in. Some things I could not pull off for our daughter before she moved in, we can pull off for him. We removed some ancient disgusting carpet from the living room. Our daughter had removed the same carpet from the room her girls, our three grandaughters used and refinished the floors so they were clean , pretty , and sanitary . However, with them out, we decided to do new carpet in that room, the front living room they, and now he will  use, and the main hall that connects all the rooms in the front of the house as well. Now that carpet is installed, and even though we have to paint what will be his bedroom, he is moving in tomorrow. He  just wants out of the apartment he has been in since he moved out to let them move in after our son in law was in a horrific car accident and needed to recover. He really was not ready to move out and is happy to move back in so he can get his savings where he wants them, get a new car and just get where he wants to before he moves out for good.

So, we have been working on the house. Kitchen major reno ongoing, both baths mini renos .Moving my studio  back into the front bedroom I was in, that I moved out of to give our daughter and son in law a bedroom. My hubby and I have been sharing a much smaller and dark room , as both our studios for the last almost year and a half, so I am thrilled to be back home in my big bright, front bedroom again.HE is thrilled to have that one to himself.  I am still getting set up, and so is he ,but at least I am in this lovely space. Our son only needs one bedroom, so he took the one the girls had been in and he will use the big front living room, we have the smaller family room off the kitchen for our living space, and our master suite is off that family room so it gives us separation , other than during the day if I am in my studio. But evenings he and his friends can take advantage of the dining table I have in here as a work space as I am rarely in here after about five or six at night.

As for personally, I am working on getting healthier. My doc gave me three months to try diet and exercise to lower my blood pressure, blood sugar , and mainly my cholesterol. The other two are okay, not dangerous but they were often on the cusp, but my cholesterol was bad.

So, my wonderful cousin and dear friend, gave me a fitbit and is dieting with me. She is a nurse practitioner so she is staying on top of me from Calif. We talk weekly. She is working on her diet too and she keeps me on track. My husband is on the same diet with me and that helps a lot. He also has a lot of weight to lose. His cholesterol is not as bad as mine, but still needs to come down a bit too.

I started my plan on January 2 , and have had a few bad choices, but overall I have done great, so has my hubby. I started my daily walk today. 30 minutes. I have to do that every day , per docs orders, but just took time to get the food right first. Now, food is good, and I am adding the 30 minutes a day walking in the house. I will eventually get back to a gym, but for now, this will work !!! My fitbit got very excited, lol !!!

So, this year, clearing out inventory in my studio . Keeping the stuff I love, but selling all my old stock, and inventory of old stuff I made ,  along with a good amount of my  materials. I want to do art this year, writing this year ,and the  bead work that I love to do , so it is time for all the rest to go away and put some money back in our accounts !! I have a lovely , creative room, and now I have a lot of work ahead as I clear out and add stuff to my Etsy shop.

clear out old inventory and materials from my studio and make some money doing it

publish a book I have been working on with my husband for ten years

get our front porch all gingerbreaded out with paint and looking like new

get in shape and lose a lot of weight

get my numbers down and keep them down so I do not have to go on any meds

get back to reading again. I have a lovely stack of books I picked up last year, but never seem to find the time to read. I want to change that.

So, I am excited about my goals for the year. We have some fun plans in the work for the year, and some great family stuff coming up, weddings and a baby. So, it looks like a fun year ahead, and a lot of work as well which I am excited to do.

Thanks for stopping by,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Focus on me

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I started this blog many years ago so I could figure out who I was, and what I wanted. But just as soon as I started that quest, a lot went on that pretty much put me on the back burner again.  Grown kids moving home with their families for many different reasons and then try to make a business work, that was just not working.

I have discovered that when things are not working I spend money on projects that I do not end up doing. I think in my mind, buying the stuff to do the project was like doing it, and I kept buying stuff for my beading business, even though I was not getting any sales and it was spending money that I was not going to get back. I found I would buy plants for the back yard but they would live out their sad lives in the containers I bought them in and never ended up in the ground.

Why was I doing these things ? Why was I buying projects that I never did ?

I really cannot honestly  answer that question. I am still trying to figure it out. Best I can think is, in my mind, if I bought the project it was an intention to do something. I had a lot of intentions, but none got done. I suppose that really is what I was doing. A big waste of time and money. Intentions are no good when not followed through with action.

I decided to end my jewelry business. I found myself selling less and less each month and year. I kept buying more and more stuff trying to make it work, lots of intentions. The problem was, my desire was starting to wane, I was not passionate about the jewelry any longer, but could not admit it to myself. I had worked too long to just give up, despite nothing getting better. I signed up to sell my stuff in a cabinet downtown, right next to the register, and I made a bit over the holidays, but Jan and Feb, hardly any sales at all. Feb are under 15 bucks for the month.  It was a mistake, I should not have done it, but I just could give up on my dream .

I am done. I am tired. I just do not want to do it any longer. I love doing projects with friends, and family, and custom orders, they are fun and exciting, but just designing things to sell, I do not want to do it any longer. I made so many things for Christmas and Valentines day for the store, and few of them sold. Very disappointing. I wish I had not done it, but I am stuck until the end of May. I have to pay three more months. I have added a lot of knick knacks to the cabinet, and those have not sold either. So, I am just going to wait it out. I am sure the shop owner is frustrated with me, but I have no heart for it any more. She has me in a contract so I am stuck, my fault, not hers, and if I am not changing things up like she wants to keep it fresh, I do not know what to tell her. No matter how often I rearrange, nothing is selling. It is hard to get excited about it any more. I should not have rented the cabinet, and now I am paying the 40 bucks a month penalty. Could be worse I suppose !!!

So, now, I am going to start my personal journey again. Try to figure out who I am, what I want to do , and how I want to do it. Some things in my life are great. My marriage, and family, our home. But me personally, I have never had enough time to myself to really figure out what I want. I will start on the process and then I am back picking up kids from school, or baby sitting again. I go back on the shelf . It is hard for grown  kids to understand, when they need the help, that you are tired  and in your mid  fifties you really do not want to pick up kids at school any more. It is hard for them to not take it personal, but when my husband has week days off and is not happy about it, it puts me in the middle too. So, I have to get my kids to figure out what they are going to do.

I have to get my self back, and get weight off, and figure out what I want to do now that I am all grown up. Now that our kids are all grown up too. I need to find me.

I am going to make it my mission to get it figured out.

I need to eat better and exercise , I am through menapause and putting myself at risk for heart disease and with metabolic syndrome, other diseases as well. I eat from stress , and I eat from frustration and when I get down.

It is time for me to take care of myself and do the right things to be healthy.

So, I am back here starting the search again , and determined to find myself and figure out what it is I want to do and need to do to be happy with myself !!!