Tonight I was going through old poetry jounals going back many years and was shocked at how many of my poems, and written thoughts were about finding myself, being the person I was meant to be and finding my path. Wow. Some I read were from 2000. It made me sad that for so long I have been searching and yet never took it seriously enough to actually take steps to find out what I want to do, what exactly is my path and who am I beyond a mom and wife and grandma and so on. Who am I ?
I think it is often hard to answer that question because for most of us that question brings up obvious answers. I am a wife, a mom, a grandma or I work at so and so, but it really does not dig deep enough. Those are importmant things, absolutely. Nothing I have ever done will ever be as important and bringing our kids into the world. I was blessed to be able to be the conduit that brought them here and I am so proud and happy I am their mother. I am grateful for David and being able to share the precious gift of parenthood with him.
The time has come though for us to find out what we want to do now. Our kids are on thier own, they are all doing great and are amazing people we are proud of. Now it is our time, both as a couple and individually to start finding out what we want to do with the other half of our lives ?
As a kid and teen I drew and I wrote constantly. I loved to dance and make up dances and loved to sing. Singing I know is not my path, I cannot carry a tune in a bucket as they say. However I loved so many creative things and just did not know how to hold on to those as I took on the new roles of wife and mommy.
I threw myself into those roles, I loved being a mom. I loved being a wife and for a long time it was enough. But eventually you do realize you cannot live for others and my adutlt kids do not need a mommy anymore. It is finally the point where I can just be a friend , confident I did my job well and they do not need my help anymore. I sometimes tend to give it them anyway, but they are quick to let me know when I cross that line !!
So, how do you get back your passions ? How do you find that childlike wonder and joy in the things you love to do ?
i think we can have that as adults and I think we can find it when we think it is lost. But it does take work and dedication and making the choice to not be distracted by life and pulled back off that path.
I want to dance again and draw again and enjoy writing stupid poems and short stories for my own amusement. I remember those days fondly and remember how happy I was in those hours of creating. No thoughts of expecatations, just drawing and dancing and writing for the pure joy of it.
I have found I love photography and it seems to help me with that impatient side that wants to see imediate results, something drawing and writing does not give you. But I do miss sitting and drawing things that catch my attention and taking joy in the detail of drawing or writing something I love.
I somehow have to find my way back. There has to be a way to balance my life as a wife, as an adult. Laundry, cooking, dishes, and so on, and my life as an artist and creator . That is my journey now.
I am excited and have a new found purpose. I am going to learn to be childlike again and just enjoy creating for creatings sake. I just have to start that journey with one step, I have always heard that and now I get it. One step at a time , that is all it takes to start a wonderful journey !!