I started this blog many years ago so I could figure out who I was, and what I wanted. But just as soon as I started that quest, a lot went on that pretty much put me on the back burner again.  Grown kids moving home with their families for many different reasons and then try to make a business work, that was just not working.

I have discovered that when things are not working I spend money on projects that I do not end up doing. I think in my mind, buying the stuff to do the project was like doing it, and I kept buying stuff for my beading business, even though I was not getting any sales and it was spending money that I was not going to get back. I found I would buy plants for the back yard but they would live out their sad lives in the containers I bought them in and never ended up in the ground.

Why was I doing these things ? Why was I buying projects that I never did ?

I really cannot honestly  answer that question. I am still trying to figure it out. Best I can think is, in my mind, if I bought the project it was an intention to do something. I had a lot of intentions, but none got done. I suppose that really is what I was doing. A big waste of time and money. Intentions are no good when not followed through with action.

I decided to end my jewelry business. I found myself selling less and less each month and year. I kept buying more and more stuff trying to make it work, lots of intentions. The problem was, my desire was starting to wane, I was not passionate about the jewelry any longer, but could not admit it to myself. I had worked too long to just give up, despite nothing getting better. I signed up to sell my stuff in a cabinet downtown, right next to the register, and I made a bit over the holidays, but Jan and Feb, hardly any sales at all. Feb are under 15 bucks for the month.  It was a mistake, I should not have done it, but I just could give up on my dream .

I am done. I am tired. I just do not want to do it any longer. I love doing projects with friends, and family, and custom orders, they are fun and exciting, but just designing things to sell, I do not want to do it any longer. I made so many things for Christmas and Valentines day for the store, and few of them sold. Very disappointing. I wish I had not done it, but I am stuck until the end of May. I have to pay three more months. I have added a lot of knick knacks to the cabinet, and those have not sold either. So, I am just going to wait it out. I am sure the shop owner is frustrated with me, but I have no heart for it any more. She has me in a contract so I am stuck, my fault, not hers, and if I am not changing things up like she wants to keep it fresh, I do not know what to tell her. No matter how often I rearrange, nothing is selling. It is hard to get excited about it any more. I should not have rented the cabinet, and now I am paying the 40 bucks a month penalty. Could be worse I suppose !!!

So, now, I am going to start my personal journey again. Try to figure out who I am, what I want to do , and how I want to do it. Some things in my life are great. My marriage, and family, our home. But me personally, I have never had enough time to myself to really figure out what I want. I will start on the process and then I am back picking up kids from school, or baby sitting again. I go back on the shelf . It is hard for grown  kids to understand, when they need the help, that you are tired  and in your mid  fifties you really do not want to pick up kids at school any more. It is hard for them to not take it personal, but when my husband has week days off and is not happy about it, it puts me in the middle too. So, I have to get my kids to figure out what they are going to do.

I have to get my self back, and get weight off, and figure out what I want to do now that I am all grown up. Now that our kids are all grown up too. I need to find me.

I am going to make it my mission to get it figured out.

I need to eat better and exercise , I am through menapause and putting myself at risk for heart disease and with metabolic syndrome, other diseases as well. I eat from stress , and I eat from frustration and when I get down.

It is time for me to take care of myself and do the right things to be healthy.

So, I am back here starting the search again , and determined to find myself and figure out what it is I want to do and need to do to be happy with myself !!!